The Pregnancy Companion

The New Blog

2009-05-29T20:57:00.004-06:00

www.marketplacemommy.com
I've been thinking a lot lately about changing my blog. I have been wanting to direct my writing towards topics I am currently experiencing. Besides the fact that someone informed me this week that there is an unwritten rule about how long URL's should be. Apparently www.ontheothersideofinfertility.com breaks the rule. I should have known that, after all, I work in marketing. How'd I miss that?

Although I will always write about infertility and I definitely believe the topic is worthy of discussion, I know it is only relevant to some that read my posts. You can be sure I will address it again, especially as we begin to look towards having another baby (stay tuned for that).

So I've thought and I've prayed about what to call the new blog. You all are very familiar with the ever-present battle that rages in my soul about being a mom who works outside the home 30+ hours a week. I figured as long as I feel the Lord has me in this season for a while longer, I might as well embrace it so I decided I would focus on writing about motherhood and marketplace ministry.

My pastor talks a lot about marketplace ministry. This is simply a phrase coined to describe people who work outside the church really. Those that work in the marketplace yet still desire to minister to people. When I think of this phrase, I always think of a man in a suit going off to work with his bible and briefcase in hand. I am not a man and I don't carry a briefcase but I am a marketplace minister. Actually, I am a Marketplace Mommy. . .one who works in the marketplace but still desires to be a mommy.

I don't think my posts will change much. It probably doesn't even matter that I changed the name of my blog. Really, it's just about the fact that I'd like to have one of those cute, little designs I see all over the blogosphere and I thought I should have a clever name to go with it. We'll see if I ever get to that.

So welcome to the home of Marketplace Mommy where I will continue to share thoughts and ponderings on what it's like to juggle sippy cups and conference calls. As always, I hope that to whatever extent you are a marketplace mommy (we all are in some respects) you will be encouraged by what you read there.

Please visit the new blog at www.marketplacemommy.com.

Simplicity Project #10

2009-05-22T17:28:00.006-06:00

This month I'm afraid that I have to reveal one of my dirty little secrets. Some of you that have been to my house might think I keep it neat and tidy (although who knows, perhaps you think I'm a slob). While it's true that I like to keep up appearances when it comes to neatness, I daily battle piles of clutter. Be it mail I think I'll need to reference one day or magazine tear sheets I aspire to mimic, there's always too much lying around. And thus the reason for my dirty little secret. I hope it doesn't affect our friendship or the way you view me as a person. I venture to guess at least half of you have a similar secret. . .

I have 4 junk drawers in my kitchen.

Gasp!

I know, I know. It's disgusting. Who needs 4 junk drawers? Apparently the Wolstenholms do.

So today I decided it was time to clean them out. Oh, I still have 4 junk drawers. They now just each have a purpose of their own.

Here they are before. . .

And after. . .

One for scissors, tape, etc. . .One for note pads and pens. . .One for my writing and correspondence supplies. . .and One for coupons.

I know what you are thinking. Why couldn't you use only 2 drawers for these items?Well I probably could but then they'd get all stuffed and junky. . .at least this way I have room to keep them organized. And besides, I have the 4 drawers, so why not use them?

I hope that even though I am not doing these projects as often as I was at the beginning of the year, you are still finding inspiration here to tackle the clutter in your home. I still feel like I'm buried under a pile of junk all the time, but we are getting there. One step at a time.

Hope Turns 1!

2009-05-16T19:58:00.004-06:00

Hope turned one on Thursday. I regret that I didn't get to do a post on that day but I was pretty busy getting ready for her party. Today we gathered with some of our family and friends to celebrate Hope's life. It was a perfect day, despite the storms outside. I think Hope had a blast! She scooted around all day long, running after the other kids and definitely enjoying all the attention.

Dave and I have reflected a lot over the past few days. It's so hard to believe it's been a year. Just a few minutes ago we laughed when trying to remember those first few nights at home with her. It's true that you do forget the hard stuff. I guess our brains block it out, trying to make room for all the good memories. As I do think back over the past year, I am flooded with gratitude of the goodness of the Lord and His provision in our lives. There were days years ago that I wondered if I'd ever have a child and here I am celebrating her birthday. So amazing!

Here are some pics from the day. It was simply priceless!

Mother's Day Thoughts

2009-05-11T18:38:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure exactly how long I've anticipated my first mother's day, but I think pretty long. For years I sat through church fighting back tears as my mothering friends stood to be recognized. When will it be my turn? I would think. Sure, last year I was acknowledged as a mom because my belly was the size of a watermelon, but still, I longed for the day I could really be celebrated on mother's day.

The day came and went. It was a nice day and it was fun to be with close family and friends. I didn't exactly feel the heaven's open and the angels sing my praises but everyone around me made me feel special. I suppose this was my first glimpse at the fact that mothers often go unsung. It doesn't matter how sweet the card is or how long the massage is (thank you Dave and Hope for the perfect first mother's day gift - I need it! ). . . nothing can ever be an even exchange for the heart and soul that goes into mothering. I actually feel kinda lame now for all those years I tried to do something special for my mom. It was never enough.

But all gifts aside, I can honestly say the only thing that makes mothering worth it are the ones you mother. Just seeing Hope walking around in the midst of everything yesterday made my heart sing. Seeing her struggle to walk across the bathroom floor with my card shortly after she woke up, drunk from sleepiness, makes it all worth it.

So I guess, if it's not about the gifts and accolades then every day is a celebration of motherhood. Because every day that I get to see Hope grow and learn something new is its own reward for all that I've poured into her. That's probably why my mom never scoffed at my silly, little gifts and homemade cards. She knew nothing could repay her for all she'd done for us. Seeing the fruit of her labor was enough.

Oh, I think I hear my little one crying. She's had a bit of a rough day today. Time to go rock her to sleep. I guess as long as I get to keep loving and caring for my sweet girl, every day is mother's day.

Hope Is Walking!

2009-05-07T09:08:00.005-06:00

I don't think I've ever been so proud in my life. Hope started walking about 4 weeks ago but I finally got it on video. Each day she takes more and more steps. She gets steadier and steadier every day and now I finally understand the concept of baby steps. One at a time. . . two at a time. . . until we can race across the kitchen floor in our socks without falling down.

I can't believe she is going to be 1 next week.

Man is having a baby a wonderful picture of life!

Enjoy!!

The Diary of a Working Mom

2009-04-30T15:12:00.003-06:00

It's been quite an interesting couple of weeks in regards to work. I continue to manage the inner battle of whether or not it is capable of doing this job and being a good mom. This time last week I was sure it was not. I was sure that I had heard clearly from God that it was time to move on.

I traveled last week - Nashville to Chicago to Grand Rapids to Chicago and back to Nashville. It was a crazy whirlwind with free time only to think about the baby girl I had left at home. I missed her terribly and I was bitter at the thought of missing even one moment of this crucial time in her development. Each day she takes more steps, says more words and has brand new facial expressions. Why should I miss that for a job? It just doesn't seem worth it.

While traveling home, where another crazy day of work related activities awaited me, I wrestled in my heart and mind with my current situation (as I often do) but this time I honestly felt a clear voice within me. It's time to start looking for your replacement - I heard. This job has become more than you are able to give in this season. I asked God for days if this was really Him. I've had similar responses so many times that came from my exhaustion and stress. I wanted to make sure this was really His leading. I felt that I needed to take a few important next steps. 1 - Tell Dave I think I'm supposed to quit my job. 2 - Go over the budget to make sure it was even possible. 3 - Explore a few possible contract work opportunities to make sure I could contribute something to the household finances.

Dave was supportive but not quick to help write my letter of resignation. The budget was tight. There would obviously be no new shoes in my near future. And the contract work was slim. So many companies cutting back . . . many of them doing without the extra help these days.

As I sat in the car pondering what on earth we would do to make things work, I checked the email on my phone as I often do in the car. My boss had sent me something unsolicited yet unbelievable. An email, titled "A reminder of how good you are at what you do." It said basically, "I know you still aren't sure if you can do this, but I want you to know I know you can. Know that I am praying for you as you try to create the right balance and I'm willing to look at creative ways we can do that." And then he went on to sing my praises . . . which I honestly don't think I deserve. How did he know? I hadn't yet shared my revelation with him. I had planned to do so this week.

In my meeting with him on Tuesday, I honestly shared that I had planned to come in and say we needed to look for my replacement. He wasn't surprised but looked a little relieved that I wasn't actually saying it. He proceeded to encourage me even more and then we talked about ways that we could alleviate some of the stresses and the things that invade my time at home. Things will not change overnight, but I am hopeful that they will.

I'm not sure why I thought I heard the Lord say something so clearly about a specific action I was to take, only to reveal later that I am to stay. I guess sometimes He has us walk through exercises to test our faithfulness and our willingness to walk carefully through His will. I am glad I explored the things I did, even if they did not lead to my resignation. At least now I know for sure that I have the full support of my amazing boss and an open door to discuss my situation with him honestly. I am humbled that I have such favor.

A good friend and mentor reminded me this morning over coffee that I have probably the best situation if I do have to work outside the home. My wonderful mom watches Hope while I am at the office, my amazing husband is so helpful treating every task as a team player and my in laws live within a mile of our house. The conversation reminded me that I need to focus on the grace that covers me rather than the occasional tough circumstances.

Don't get me wrong. I do not want to work this much outside my home for too much longer. But He obviously still has a plan for me in this position so for now, I'll do the best I can to serve those I work for while enjoying the benefits of bills that are paid and of course, new shoes every now and then!

Simplicity Project #9

2009-04-15T16:29:00.004-06:00

I really am trying to keep up with my blogging. But it just seems the busier I get at work, the busier I get at home. The older Hope gets, the more attention she requires. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around? Not with my little explorer. I'm in a constant state of lookout. Needless to say she can now say, NO. . . and shake her head. She sees mommy do it all day long!

This week I took on a project I've needed to do for a long time. It doesn't matter how much I want to keep my bathroom cabinets neat and tidy, with all that crap it takes to make me look half-way decent, I don't stand a chance of keeping it simple! But I managed to cut down on a little bit of clutter. What with Hope now exploring each and every door she can open, I had to make sure she wasn't met with a landslide of hair product!

Take a look at this mess before. . .

And after. . .

You should see the pile of stuff I trashed or found a new home for! I really purposed to throw out things I wasn't using. Take the bag of old Clinique makeup for instance. I used to work for Clinique about 10 years ago. . . so when I found a bag full of makeup I got for free as an employee, I figured it was OK to toss it out. If I haven't used that shade of lipstick in 10 years, it's likely not the right color for me!

This week I encourage you ladies to tackle your bathroom. Get rid of that suntan lotion from 5 years back. It's likely lost it's SPF power by now! This stuff has a shelf life people. Let's not put our bodies in danger because we can't bring ourselves to toss it!

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things. Part 2

2009-04-07T19:16:00.006-06:00

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in over two weeks. I'm sure the large mass of you that read my blog have been waiting on pins and needles for my next entry. Yeah right! I'm pretty certain you've gotten along just fine without me. But still, I apologize for letting things slip. It's just been that kind of season.

Hope is almost 11 months and I can hardly believe it. This season has been filled with sleepless nights (I guess those of us that get good newborn sleepers pay for it later) and running after a relentless pre-toddler. She is into everything! She cruises and climbs and is not really catching on to the word NO just yet. Well, I'm sure she's caught on, she just chooses to ignore it. I absolutely love this time with all the new things she's doing and saying, but I kinda hate it as well. I would probably call this the most wonderful and difficult season we've had with her thus far.

But, instead of lamenting about all my mommy woes I choose instead to share with you a few of my current favorite things. I did this back over the summer shortly after Hope was born. . .but those favorite things have long gone to the land of consignment sales or storage. Here's what I'm into right now:

Fisher Price Space Saver High Chair - This thing is amazing. It straps to your dining chair but reclines, has a full size tray and turns into a toddler booster seat. The best part of it is, it only costs $49! My great friend Kristy recommended it to me and I'm so glad I took her advice. I'm not sure why anyone would spend $100 or more on a full size, bulky high chair. You've gotta try it!

Puzzles, Puzzles and more Puzzles! - At first I thought Hope was a little too young for them. I thought I'd give it a try anyway. Of course she can't actually do the puzzles. . .she just walks around with the pieces in her hand. I'm not sure if all kids are like this but as long as Hope has a few little things to hold in her hands, she's good to go! Puzzle pieces are a hit!

Plastic Bibs - I think I was late to the plastic bib party because I spent lots of time (not to mention the Oxy Stain Spray) on trying to keep cloth bibs clean after being drenched in pureed carrots and sweet potatoes. It dawned on my one day that I should try using bibs of the plastic variety. Hello! These babies changed my life. Simply wipe down with soapy water after each feeding and voila! (I know most of you moms out there are laughing at me for not realizing this sooner. Whatever!)

Little People Toys - Please refer back to the Puzzle paragraph and apply the principle here. Little things to hold in the hand. . .and with faces! Enough said.

Curtains to Play Hide and Seek Behind - I have to admit I was reluctant to allow Hope to play with the curtains. . .but one, short session of her giggling like crazy as she hid behind one was enough to change my rock-hard mommy heart on the subject. Swing away dear Hope. Those giggles make my heart soar! (She also giggles like that when she races towards my MAC, but that's still off limits.)

Touch and Feel Books - I remember wondering a few months back why Hope wasn't into the touch and feel books. She just didn't get it. Then one day about a month or so ago, she began turning the pages and pointing her finger right at the textures on each page. Now she can sit for minutes (that's right, minutes . . . hey minutes are very valuable to a mom) and read them while feeling all the fun fabrics.

Well, I guess that's enough of a list for now. As we are heading quickly into the land of the 1+ year old, I would love any suggestions you all have about products or tips for this stage of life. I need all the help I can get! How exactly am I going to transition her off the bottle if she can't drink from a sippy cup?

I've got lots of work to do!

Simplicity Project #8

2009-03-23T18:48:00.003-06:00

This week I took on a project that doesn't necessarily mean simplicity but rather cleanliness.
The refrigerator.
You probably can't tell much in these pictures, but I did throw a lot away. How many bottles of salad dressing does one really need? This is one of those projects that I absolutely hate doing and rarely do. Tonight was trash night so I thought it would be the perfect time to throw food away.
The Fridge Before

The Fridge After

After spending the 10 minutes it took to tackle it, I've decided that I will do this once a month, on trash night!

Speaking of once a month . . . as you can probably tell by the fact that I am behind on my projects, finding the time to do a simplicity project once a week was probably a bit of a lofty goal for me. As I said in my post last week, the minute your attempt to simplify things makes your life harder, you've missed the point. Therefore, I am admitting my limitations and turning this little experiment into a monthly blog post. I hope you will still be encouraged by my projects even though they will be less frequent. Hey, maybe because I'm only doing it once a month I will have time to tackle the big things again. But I suppose I shouldn't go promising things . . . it always gets my in over my head.

Simple Thoughts, Round 3

2009-03-17T15:46:00.004-06:00

In the spirit of simplicity, I'll keep this short!

I'm behind. I fear I'm failing miserably at this little project I set out to do. . . and it's only March. But, alas, I am letting myself off the hook because the moment your attempt to simplify things makes life harder, you've totally missed the point.

So even though I owe you a project for last week I'm afraid to say that these really simple thoughts are all you are going to get because I spent the weekend playing nurse to a 10 month old including a short trip to the ER on Sunday morning. All is well now with our little Hope but it was a crazy couple of days.

Check back in a few days as I play catch up with a project for this week! You can bet your life it's going to be a small one! Hey, every little bit counts. That's what I'm trying to teach you people!

What People Think

2009-03-14T18:43:00.004-06:00

I'm one of those people who spends a lot of my thought life wondering what other people think about me or things related to me. I hate to admit that I struggle with this fear of man, but I do. I just had a conversation with a friend today that left me thinking, What do they think of me? (In regards to a specific situation). It plagued me most of the evening until I was rocking Hope to sleep and had time to think about it further. Hope has a stomach bug so she got the rock-treatment tonight!

As I sat there, overwhelmed by the events of this week and the fact that my little one is sick to the point that I may need to take her to the hospital tomorrow, I thought to myself I don't have time to care what people think of me! A righteous disgust for the schemes of the enemy rose up in me as I considered how much time I've lost to worrying about what people think. I am a pretty much full-time working mom who has to worry about my child, my husband, my clients, my family, my leadership at church and my friends. How the heck can I fit in time to ponder whether or not my clothes are cool enough or if what I said sounded stupid? I can't. . . and today I declare that I won't!

After thinking about it with this perspective, I am so embarrassed by how much my silly fear of man has robbed my thoughts. What an idiot I am to have allowed this to take over my mind. None of us has extra time on our hands that would warrant such an unproductive and even destructive use of it. I know this is something we all deal with to some extent and so tonight I felt compelled to admit the struggle and encourage each one of us to consider how we might overcome it. For me, I believe tonight's epiphany will help me take these thoughts captive. Now, anytime I encounter these plaguing thoughts, I will think about how busy I am with things that really do matter as a reminder of how little this does matter.

Our great God has created each one of us with such a unique make up as well as a very specific life story. How dare we waste time trying to figure out why we are the way we are or why our story reads differently than someone else's. Let us trust His design and instead spend our days focused on what He thinks of who we are and how our story will bring glory to Him.

Simplicity Project #7

2009-03-07T09:10:00.004-06:00

This week I tackled a very small but practical project. The "bottle station" in our kitchen. As I near the end of our season with bottles, I am not ashamed to tell you that I cannot wait until they are gone. No more nipples and other paraphernalia to scrub daily. Why in the heck each bottle has to have their own unique "flow system" complete with extra do dads to clean, I am unsure! I would take them out of the dish washer and just throw them on the counter. What a mess! This week I decided to tidy up and make a commitment to fill the bottles with water each time I take them out of the dishwasher, leaving them completely ready for formula that is room temperature. Just the way Hope likes it.
Before

After

I realize this is a very small and seemingly insignificant simplicity project. But you'd be surprised how much little things like this affect your state of mind. I would look over at all this junk and get stressed because I felt like it took so much energy to keep it organized. Then I just gave up and was left with this mess. It will take some level of commitment to keep it tidy, but it's definitely worth my peace of mind!

Simple Thoughts, Round 2

2009-03-02T19:13:00.003-06:00

This is an entry I owed you last week. Had every intention of posting it then but life got nutty. I know you understand. Some thoughts about living simply. . . and then I'll post a project later this week. Enjoy!

My boss sent me a video last week that was presented at a recent radio seminar here in Nashville. The video's intent, I believe was to show its viewers how other forms of media and networking may be taking its place. Sad news for radio peeps, I know. . .but even sadder news for the rest of us in how much media has overtaken our lives. I sat there with a splitting headache as I watched how many millions of people are on Facebook and how many billions of messages they are sending (many of which, I promise you come to my inbox each day). There were stats on ITunes, MySpace, Twitter and XMradio but I think the most mind-blowing nugget of info was this:

"One, daily issue of the New York Times contains more information that someone from the 18th century would have come across in their lifetime."

And to that I say. . .WTH? (That's "what the hell?" for those of you not fluent in text message talk.)

I'm one of those girls who's always thought she should have lived in the Victorian Era. After hearing this little tidbit, I'm now pretty sure that the Big Guy made a huge mistake plopping me in the 20th/21st centuries. I don't want all of this information coming at me. In fact, I don't care! I can barely remember to feed and change my child (not kidding, I forgot to feed her one afternoon last month, did I share that with you yet?). I'm sure it's possible that my little brain is smaller than some. . . even most. But who needs to know all this crap?

I've wrestled a lot with this over the past few days trying to find the balance between a desire for intelligence and progressive knowledge and simplicity and peace of mind. I've decided that for me personally - I don't have to be on twitter (so sorry to many of you who love it and love to keep in touch that way). I just can't handle knowing who's going to the bathroom and who's having coffee at the moment. No, for me. . .it's just TMI (That's "too much information" - come on people, keep up!)

In order to keep my simple mind in optimal working order, I'll need to keep the information to a healthy 21st century minimum. I really feel the need to police the amount of data that enters my brain. But that's just me. Each one of us has to create our own boundaries based on what we can handle or what we enjoy. Some of my friends love being on Facebook and Twitter all the time and they see it as a convenient and efficient way to keep in touch. That is wonderful. And I guess that's the interesting thing about progression and technology. It can be a blessing and a curse - depending on who you are talking to and how well it is working for them.

So today I encourage us all to take a moment to stop and think about the information we allow to come across our brain everyday. Is it enhancing our lives or causing more stress? Is it edifying and uplifting? Is it contributing to our personal and spiritual growth? Is it taking away from real, face to face relationships? See I'm an old fashioned girl. I'd take a thoughtful, hand-written note over someone "writing on my wall" any day! Perhaps that makes me out of touch, but I'd like to think it makes me classy.

Lol. (Uh, that's "laugh out loud" - geez, even I know that!)

Simplicity Project #6

2009-02-19T17:06:00.004-06:00

This week's featured project made me feel like I was on one of those HGTV design shows (which, by the way I'm obsessed with). Take a look at our extreme makeover, office edition. These pictures do not even do it justice. After completing this project, I felt like I was in a whole new place. It was calm and organized and now I can be so much more productive! Atmosphere is everything when it comes to productivity. At least it is in my world.

Isn't it pretty?

Before

After

Hope Crawls!

2009-02-16T16:52:00.008-06:00

Well, this actually happened over a week ago . . . but better late then never in sharing it, right? I'm a little behind in downloading my photos and video. Hey, I could be that mom that leaves it on the camera for over a year (so sorry, if you actually are that mom).

She's all over the place at this point. The next trick we'll be sharing is Hope pulling herself up on the furniture. She's standing now with support. It's a little scary.

Enjoy!

Remembering Infertility

2009-02-16T08:48:00.004-06:00

The past few months, I've been feeling badly that I haven't addressed this topic lately in my blog posts. I know a few of you that read this regularly are still believing for your miracle. It's easy to reach the other side of something and forget how you got there. But the reality is there are still thousands of women fighting for their family so I feel compelled to continue writing as the Lord would lead me to encourage those women.

Sometimes I sit and think back to the time when Dave and I were walking through our journey. Those were some of the darkest and yet most precious times of my life. I may have mentioned this in a post shortly after Hope was born - that I missed the sweetness of my sorrow. When you sit in the reality of your sorrow with Jesus, there is a certain sweetness that comes with His comfort and His love that is very different than your ordinary, everyday communion with Him. I would like so much to remove the waiting and the suffering from you precious women that I know are walking this road. I would like to help remove the God-given blinders that do not allow you to see the path in front of you. But then I would be robbing you of this sweetness I am talking about that comes with your pain.

I encourage you today . . . if you are still believing the Lord to bring life into your family (no matter how He intends to bring it), press into Him as you wait, more than you ever have before. He will cover you with His sweet comfort and His overwhelming love.

Keep hoping in Him. He's not finished with your story yet!

Simplicity Project #5

2009-02-10T16:24:00.003-06:00

Well I'm just going to go ahead and admit it. I completed this project several weeks ago right after the holidays. We were up to our ears in boxes and stuff in the garage after Christmas. I had to get it done. So I captured it on film so I could share it with you at the appropriate time. Seeing as how Hope's sick with her first cold (so sad!), I thought now was the perfect time to pull this project out of my back pocket.

The Garage Before (there was already room for my car on the left of course). . .

And The Garage After (now with room for Dave's car). . .

We got rid of that pile of broken down boxes the next day in the trash. Now we can both park in there. Woo hoo!

I hope you all are attacking your home projects. I'm spending this week preparing all of my items for the consignment sale. It's time consuming but I'm hoping to make a few hundred bucks. Nothing like cleaning and making se dough while you are at it.

If you think about it, please pray for Hope. She's pretty miserable this week. Although I have to say, even though she is stuffed up, she can't stop smiling and playing! That's my girl!

Simple Thoughts, Round 1

2009-02-03T17:10:00.003-06:00

Well, I said it would happen and alas. . .it has. No time to think about a project this week. I do have one or two up my sleeve that I completed a few weeks back, but I'll save those for another day. Today I feel compelled to write something about simplicity.

This week I read a verse in Proverbs that, since my discovery of it, has provided me a mixture of motivation and fear. I'll let you read it now to decide how it makes you feel.

"A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest - and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man." Proverbs 6: 10-11

So, how do you feel? You still with me? I know. It's a bit intimidating, isn't it? At first I allowed it to be a kick in the pants for me to get off my arse and do something. I would tell myself Jess, don't be lazy. Don't be passive. Go after this stuff. Just get it done! But now, as I really consider what simplicity means for our family and our home, I have been encouraged to find a good balance between going after things and knowing when to let things go for the sake of sanity and some much needed rest.

So this week I challenge all of us to find that balance. For me it means that I am going to skip a meeting at church tonight in order to go home and get some laundry done for my family. It's just what I feel needs to be done - today. Tomorrow might look different. I might let the laundry go in order to spend time with a friend, or with Hope. Day by day, we will have the grace and wisdom we need to make the most of every moment . . . so that we can simply enjoy all of the things God has blessed us with.

Simplicity Project #4

2009-01-26T10:57:00.005-06:00

Before I get going about my project, I just have to share this really sweet pic of Hope. I think she may grow up to be a writer. What do you think? So introspective!

This week I chose a very simple project to complete. Work has been a little overwhelming so I'm actually pretty proud that I even found the time to do this one, little thing to create space in my world. Not sure the "platter cabinet" is going to cause any earth-shattering effects either way, but I'm glad to have it done nonetheless. Not too much of a difference but definitely got rid of some items I haven't been using.
Before

After

I am feeling more and more, the need to create space in my life. As certain things seem to be closing in on me, I find refuge in areas I can control such as my atmosphere. It really does help bring peace in the midst of the storm. I hope you all are getting inspired by these posts. Please feel free to share about projects you are tackling in your home!

Simplicity Project #3

2009-01-19T20:49:00.005-06:00

This week I share with you a project I usually tackle once a year. Although this year, with my new found disgust of clutter and excess I had the wisdom to go a few steps further.

Pictures!

Now I've always been over the top when it came to these paper memories but ever since the introduction of digital photography, I've gotten worse. It was one thing to take 6 rolls of 35mm film of our honeymoon but now . . . 6 years later . . . think of the thousands of photos we have of our family in just 8 months! And I'm not one of those people who takes the pictures and leaves them on the camera or even on the computer for that matter. No, I'm a frequent shopper at Shutterfly.com so the paper memories are piling up!

This year, I went completely crazy and got rid of hundreds of pictures. High school, college, people I haven't seen in years, whose names I can't even remember. Trash! All trash!

I keep my photos in a dresser in our sitting room. The dresser is a quirky antique with somewhat open drawers. So you can see if there is a lot of clutter in them. My goal with this project was to straighten the drawers and create more space for the thousands of photos I will be adding in the next few years.

Before

After (See the extra room? And what you can't see is that one of those photo boxes is actually empty!)

And the hundreds of photos I threw away! Good-bye boy I dated in 10th grade . . . I don't even remember your name!

This project was especially space-making because I said good-bye to many memories, leaving room in not only my drawer but also my heart for many more, even greater memories with my family.

Separation Anxiety

2009-01-16T10:04:00.002-06:00

Every book, website, email blast or piece of mommy mail I read says we may be experiencing separation anxiety at this point. It makes total sense - heightened awareness, increased understanding, a deeper level of bonding. . . But the funny thing is, every time I leave Hope at my mom's house she is either eating or if I stay long enough for a cup of coffee, playing in her exersaucer and she never seems affected by my goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that she is happy and thriving with my mom (I had no doubt she would be).

This week, every time I dropped her off and headed to work I was in the worst mood. I thought maybe I was just tired or cranky because work has been ramping up but then as I walked out my mom's door yesterday morning it hit me. . . separation anxiety. The books and websites don't talk about my separation anxiety. The mommy mail doesn't address how I'll feel when I leave my little one. I think the two weeks plus I spent with Hope over the holidays ruined me for my time away from her. While I still enjoy going to work and having adult interaction and independence, my deeper connection with Hope as she grows is causing the stakes to be higher. If I am going to leave her, if I am going to miss out on even one day, it's got to be worth it.

Which leads me to the ponderings that have plagued my mind this week. Am I that passionate about my work that it is worth time away from my girl? Some days I feel like I am. Although it's not that I've ever felt a really deep passion about what I do per say, but rather a deep passion for the One I do it for. In my line of work, you spend your days navigating through artistic personalities and temperaments, insecurities and lofty ideas. It's enough to make you exhausted, if not downright sick. So although I love my clients and I am committed to serve them well, I don't do it for them. If I did, I would have given up years ago. I serve them in order to serve God and serve the people they reach with their art. I have to remind myself of this fact every now and then. . . on occasions like this that cause me to re-evaluate everything.

Today I feel called to do this work. I feel His grace over me which allows me to leave goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door and leave my child in the hands of another (thank you God it's my mother). But I can promise Hope this. . . not a day will go by without me pausing to ask the Lord if His grace still covers this. God give me the wisdom to know the answer.

Simplicity Project #2

2009-01-12T20:25:00.006-06:00

Here we go again. This week I tackled Hope's closet. It's amazing how much stuff an 8 month old can accumulate! We were blessed with so many things . . . mostly adorable outfits that she wore once. People just can't help themselves from buying baby girl outfits, mommy included! I think one of the main things that compelled me to do this project was the overwhelmingness of Hope's closet. While I have been so thankful for the overabundance of clothing (what woman wouldn't be happy with choice when it comes to clothing?) I have felt guilty, almost ashamed if she didn't wear it all. And so I have felt the need to downsize.

Hope's Closet Before

Hope's Closet After

And then the really huge pile of stuff I will be consigning or giving to Good Will

Now this display does not take into account the new clothes my mom brought back to me from the many, generous family members in Florida that yup, you guessed it, just couldn't help themselves and bought Hope not one, but many new outfits for the spring and summer. Good thing I took this shot before I crammed all those in there! No seriously, I am thankful. She will need to be clothed this summer.

Let's just say with 50 more Simplicity Projects to go this year, you just might see Hope's closet show up one or two more times!

I am so thankful that the Lord has given me vision to do this for our home. Even with traveling twice for work last week, I still feel an amazing measure of grace and space for Him to work and to speak. I know it is in part because I am being obedient to this task. Cleaning house feels great!

Upromise

2009-01-09T10:38:00.006-06:00

I'm sure many of you have seen this program at your local Publix supermarket. They do a great job promoting it. I grabbed a flyer one day months ago and put off joining until late in November. Man, am I glad I joined before the Christmas Shopping season!

If you are not familiar with the program, visit www.upromise.com as soon as you finish reading this post.

Upromise is a program developed to help you save for college through your normal everyday spending. You can register your Kroger Plus Card, Publix Card (they have one specifically for Upromise), your Harris Teeter card, etc, etc. Then you can register your Debit Card and any time you use that card to eat out at participating restaurants, a small % of what you spend will be deposited in your Upromise account as savings for college. BUT, the most productive way to save is by shopping online through the Upromise site. It links to Macys.com, Kohls.com, Shutterfly, SnapFish, Vista Print (just to name a few) and any time you shop on those sites, a % of what you spend is deposited into your Upromise account for college savings.

As of today, Dave and I have saved over $20 for Hope's college fund! We can link our account to her 529 Savings Plan so the money is invested as well. The most amazing thing about the program is you are saving without even thinking about it! You can ask your family to link to your account so every time grandma and grandpa spend money, they can save for college as well!

The program is free and although $20 in one month doesn't seem like much, over 18 years it will add up. The thought of paying for college in 18 years is so overwhelming. At least this little effort takes some of the pressure off.

I hope it works well for all you mommies out there! Now you have a very noble excuse to purchase things online!

Happy Shopping. . .I mean, College Saving!

Simplicity Project #1

2009-01-05T17:39:00.006-06:00

Happy New Year everyone! I pray you all had a wonderful holiday and that 2009 is off to a good start. It is for us. We got so much done over the holiday. I'm dreading the return to work tomorrow a little bit but that's life isn't it?

So here we go. Our first Simplicity Project for the year. I had planned to start small but since the Christmas decorations had to be taken down and put away, there was no better place to start than with our storage unit full of stuff. Now let me give a small disclaimer . . . this picture does not include the mounds of boxes and stuff that was temporarily located on my bedroom floor when I captured this shot. So much of the decor was dumped there as we began gathering it to put it up. So although the "before" picture looks bad, it was really a lot worse!

What do you think? Are we organized or what? What you also cannot see is the box of Christmas decorations that we are giving to Good Will. Woo hoo! Let the purging begin! I feel like I have so much "space" in my life already.

BEFORE

AFTER

A Move Towards Simplicity

2008-12-30T09:07:00.005-06:00

I just love the way the Lord confirms the stirrings He's put in our hearts. After my post "Simplicity or Sephora" a few weeks ago, I felt very compelled to do something specific regarding fostering simple living in our lives. I've had an extreme burden and desire to get rid of the clutter and excess to make room for new things the Lord might want to bring us. But let me be clear - I'm not talking about material things. The Lord has blessed us with so much and that abundance (mixed with a bit of stuff we've accumulated on our own) is just too much to manage. It takes time and energy and mind space. I feel He wants to bring us divine appointments and knowledge and we must create physical and spiritual "space" in our lives for those things. So I'm starting to clean house. More literally in the physical sense but also in the spiritual sense as well.

I've kept these things in my heart for the past month. Besides what I shared in that post, I've not really spoken to anyone about it. Not even my husband (and let's be honest, he doesn't really keep up with my blog). So you can imagine my surprise when he shared with me on Christmas that he felt the Lord saying we needed to be more "efficient and effective" in 2009 (thank you PD for our tendency towards alliteration!). I was so excited to know that God was impressing the same things upon his heart. I walked away from that conversation feeling like I really needed to do something drastic in order to keep myself accountable to this task. I have to admit, I felt (and still do feel) nervous about committing to anything specific but I believe it's time for me and for our household to get serious.

And then lastly, our pastor shared this past Sunday that he wanted to encourage us to "live lean" (there's that alliteration again) in 2009! Wow, what confirmation! I knew then that a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!

So here I go . . . today I introduce to you "Project Simplicity 2009." Each week I plan to share one before and after project from our home where I get rid of clutter and excess. I plan to start small and work my way up to the big things. I will likely give items to Good Will or someone in our lives that could use some extra dishes or baby clothes. Hey, I might even get brave and try one of those crazy, mommy consignment sales and make a few bucks to contribute towards our family vacation. I'm not quite sure what it will look like exactly but the idea is to take baby steps towards a lean, efficient and simple life. I'm going to go ahead right now and say it might be hard to come up with 52 projects so I'm going to let myself off the hook right now and say perhaps it won't be every week, but I'm committed to giving it a try. And I will at least address the issue once a week even if I don't have a project to share.

My hope is that this will create a new way of living in our lives and perhaps encourage you in this way as well. We all really do have so much more then we need. What would our lives look like if we got rid of all the stuff and focused on what really matters? I'm hoping to find out!

Baby's First Christmas!

2008-12-27T14:56:00.005-06:00

I pray you all had a wonderful and peaceful holiday. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun we had with Hope. If you have children or nieces or nephews or grandchildren, I'm sure you understand. I think she knew it was Christmas and that it meant family and presents and fun because she was in the best mood ever! Constantly laughing and playing. What a joy! Here are a few pics of our fun!

Prayer for Josiah

2008-12-23T12:17:00.004-06:00

It is with great burden that I write this post. I should have written it a week or so ago but life got ahead of me. I'm embarrassed to say I couldn't find five minutes to ask for prayer for our friends who are hurting right now. Better late than never. The prayers are still needed.

Our friends and church family members Kara and Tony Zapata have just returned from North Carolina where they were with their little boy Josiah (2 1/2) and two other children. Kara went to NC to visit family and while there took Josiah into the emergency room. They were met with the horrible news that Josiah had a tumor on both lungs and one of his kidneys. He has been diagnosed with stage 4 Wilms' Tumor (tumors on his left kidney, on both lungs & his renal artery). The family returned home this weekend and Josiah will begin chemotherapy at Vandy this week. The doctors were pleased that the diagnosis was clear but there is still a long road to travel for sweet, little Josiah and his family.

Please pray that he would respond well to the chemo and receive complete and total healing. Please pray for strength for his small body and for his parents' hearts. I cannot even imagine the level of emotion they are experiencing right now yet they both seem so full of faith. What a testimony to what life can be like with the Lord . . . even in the really tough times.

I am believing that Josiah will be healed and that the Lord will receive amazing glory through this trial . . . both through the healing of his body and through the testimony of his parents' faith. They have already been such an example to me.

New Etsy Store

2008-12-16T09:41:00.004-06:00

I wanted to let you all know about a new Esty store launched by my very talented friend and coworker, Jenny Stika. You can find her creations at http://justadreamart.etsy.com. I myself have many of Jenny's pieces in my collection including a beautiful, cuddly scarf, an oil painting and a chalk drawing of Hope (below). She is incredibly talented and I hope you can find some great, unique gifts for everyone on your list this year! She'll be adding more items in the coming weeks so check back for photographs and paintings!!

Happy Shopping!

Hope's First Snow!

2008-12-12T10:40:00.003-06:00

So now I have something new to add to my list of things that make me full of joy and wonder during the holidays . . . a baby in the snow! Isn't she cute!!

Twinkle Lights and Tinkering Songs

2008-12-11T15:05:00.004-06:00

I absolutely love the Christmas season. While I'm sure each of us has their own holiday preferences, mine consist mainly of twinkle lights and tinkering songs. I know what you are thinking. No, I'm not sure tinkering is a word, but it's the only "word" I can think of so hang with me. It will all make sense in a moment. . .

I was driving home from work last night, listening to the new lullaby Christmas album I picked up last week and being dangerously distracted by the large array of twinkle lights that adorn many of the houses along my route. There is just something lighthearted and magical about twinkle lights. I prefer the white ones, the icicle kind. They are like little drops of whimsy falling from the sky. So fun! And if the twinkle lights weren't enough to make this girl's heart leap with joy this season, I found a sweet, tinkering (there's that word again) Christmas lullaby record at Babies R Us the other day. My mom and I were shopping with Hope when the most adorable Christmas music started playing. All of your favorite Christmas songs on the xylophone or some cute, little instrument I can't spell.

You have to understand, I have really been into the xylophone and the glockenspiel since Hope was born. It all started when Dave found the Rockabye Baby Collection. When we brought Hope home from the hospital, we played the Coldplay version in the car and now I will forever have those little tinkering melodies in my heart and mind. So thus began my love affair with quirky German instruments.

But back to Christmas. . .I can't tell you how thrilled I was to find this CD. The songs are so simple and sweet. They really set the mood I am after during the holidays. Joy and wonder. And I suppose that's why I like the twinkle lights as well. Joy and wonder. That's not to say there isn't a place for the seriousness and mystery that say, Trans-Siberian Orchestra might bring to the table. There's definitely room for that and I've venture to guess my husband would take full-on Christmas rock and roll over my lullabies.

But as long as I'm in charge of the Christmas spirit in our house (I'll never officially be in charge of the music, but I can definitely influence), there will always be white twinkle lights and tinkering songs. The lightness and brightness of these things remind me of the joy we have in knowing Christ and the wonder we can experience through our relationship with Him. That's what I'm after this this season. What about you?

P.S. I've been trying to locate this CD online to post a link, but I'm not having any luck. As an alternative, I'd recommend Sufjan Stevens: Songs for Christmas if you are interested in tinkering songs. Not quite lullabies, but sweet and quirky for sure!

Simplicity or Sephora?

2008-12-04T09:54:00.004-06:00

The other day I was in Sephora with a few girlfriends. As I was browsing through the sea of cosmetics, I quickly found myself overwhelmed and maybe even a little annoyed at the choices laid out in front of me. I went in to purchase an inexpensive yet very effective eyeliner but was bombarded by 58 other eyeliner options carrying empty promises for brighter eyes and much higher price tags.

And then for some reason my mind wandered to thoughts of Little House on the Prairie. Bear with me here, this is not quite as random as one might think. I was watching Little House for a few minutes the other day while home with my mom and Hope. We love Little House. It is wholesome and reminds us of when I was young. I kinda looked like Laura Ingles when I was little. But I digress. . .So I was walking through Sephora thinking about Little House and how times were much simpler then. Laura Ingles wasn't plagued with the pressure of making a decision between liquid or mineral makeup. No, Laura had much more important things to worry about like stuffing her dress with apples to make her bosoms look bigger. Ah, classic. I'll never forget the sight of those apples falling to the floor and rolling down the school room isle.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the simple life. Perhaps it's due to constant news headlines about our current economic state. Or perhaps it's because adding a baby and all that comes with it into your life and your home makes you want to throw everything away and live with one set of dishes and one set of sheets and one small set of clothes. Whatever the reason, I also know that the gloom and doom news reports are also making me a bit disgusted at our culture here in the USA. I realize that this economic downturn is not something to take lightly. Considering the tens of thousands of people who have lost their jobs, I take it very seriously and I pray that the Lord would provide abundantly for them. But then there are those of us who are simply living in fear because things don't look like they did 12 months ago. We can't own a big SUV anymore because gas got too high. We can't get a boob job because we didn't get that quarterly bonus (I've got three words for you . . . Laura Ingles' apples!) We can't shop at the high end supermarket for all organic food because it's just too expensive and we should save our pennies for when this thing really goes south. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe we weren't supposed to have those big, fat SUV's in the first place. Maybe we're not supposed to have 37 different mascara's to choose from. But this is the culture that the world has created. We've done this to ourselves and now I feel we need to take inventory and really prioritize in our lives.

I believe we've become so used to having stuff at our disposal that we are mistaking an opportunity to simplify as an economic downturn. We are more taken care of and richly blessed than any nation in the entire world. Yet we freak out when life happens and forces us to re-evaluate our spending and our priorities. We are now so used to choices we've let them dilute our convictions and our focus.

So I'm taking this downturn as an opportunity to take a look at my own life. Will I choose simplicity or Sephora? I know it will not be easy but I choose simplicity. Sure, there will need to be a huge paradigm shift in my thinking, but in the end I know the diligence of living with less will prepare me and my family for all that God has for us. As Christians we tend to think abundance refers to stuff. Although the Word promises us abundance, it also addresses where we need to store up our treasures. . .and it's not here on earth people!

Will you join with me in evaluating your own life? I'm not suggesting that anyone give up the things they enjoy or the blessings of their lives. No, I still plan to shop at Sephora . . . just with a different point of view. I will not be sucked in by all the choices, believing I should spend my money and try something new just because it's there. I will shop with greater restraint and discernment, obtaining only what I truly need . . . because I believe that when we can learn to live with less, we will end up having so much more.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2008-11-27T10:36:00.005-06:00

I just put Hope down for a nap. She was a bit resistant this morning. Perhaps it's because she fell back asleep after waking at 6am and slept until 7:45! Happy Thanksgiving to mommy and daddy, we got to sleep in!

As I was rocking her in my arms (something I don't normally do however NOT getting a good nap is NOT an option this morning as the holiday festivities await us) I was getting a little frustrated with her inability to settle down. For a minute, I thought it could be a wonderful Thanksgiving moment where I rocked her and she drifted off to sleep while I pondered how thankful we are for our little miracle. The moment quickly fizzled as she squirmed and I worked hard to contain my frustration.

I went ahead and put her down in the bed even though she was still a bit wound up. She fussed for a minute or two as I headed back downstairs. I joined Dave on the living room floor, who was combing through the Thanksgiving paper trying to determine if there were any deals worth getting up for at the crack of dawn. I assure you, there are not any deals worth losing sleep over. But I'll save that for another post. Maybe tomorrow I'll address the craziness of Black Friday.

Five minutes later, I realized that Hope had drifted off. So first, I will testify that I am thankful for good naps! They are hit or miss in our house, but I'll take them when I can get them.

I realized this morning that although sweet moments are a wonderful setting for thankfulness to pour out of our hearts, we should not need them in order to see God's goodness in our lives. Dave and I have so much to be thankful for and no matter what is going on around me, I choose to focus on them today. . .this week. . .this holiday season.

We are thankful for each other (at least I can speak for myself), for our sweet, perfect little girl, for our health and God's provision in our lives, for our families - many of whom live so close (praise God!) and for so many amazing friends. The list could go on and on.

So here I sit amidst a sea of papers filled with promises of deals and stuff that will make me happy despite my having to get up at 3am to obtain them. And I could care less about any of it. I have everything I need right here with me and for that I am so thankful!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Corporate Mommy

2008-11-13T20:08:00.005-06:00

Tonight is my first night away from Hope. I'm sitting in a hotel room typing this entry right about the time I would be home kissing her goodnight. I'm in Grand Rapids and she's at home and I'm doing surprisingly well with the whole thing. I'm sure that is because I will be home in less than 24 hours. Thank God the first trip was a short one.

It's funny because the whole "corporate mommy" thing was never a role I wanted to have. I suppose I thought I'd become a mom and then my career would slowly fizzle. I actually looked forward to that. Yet it seems the longer I wear the badge, the more permanent it seems to become. Right now I feel completely caught in the middle of career momentum and a desire to abandon it all. My bosses seem to think I can do anything (I am humbled by that fact) and keep tossing out options for new ventures and roles I could take on. All the while I keep thinking, I think I want off this crazy train. Shouldn't I want off this crazy train?

The truth is . . . some days I want off and some days I don't. Although I have some horribly stressful days filled with corporate politics and client drama, for the most part my job is enjoyable and I can see how the Lord is using it to prepare me for what's next. Yet the more ideas my bosses come up with, the harder it is to balance work and home life. I think I can be a great literary agent and an OK wife and mother and friend. Or I could be an OK literary agent and a great wife and mother and friend. I'm just not sure it's possible to be a great literary agent, a great wife, a great mother and a great friend. I realize I don't need to be perfect at everything but I'm one of those people who tends to believe if you can't be excellent at it, then why do it?

I don't feel like this is a season of great stress or deep confusion. I am simply keeping a spirit of evaluation as I journey through "corporate mommyhood." I pray He'll honor the fact that I am willing to give it all up at a second's notice if it overshadows my most important roles in life. Yet I am willing to give and to serve and to lean on Him for the strength to do so as long as He has me doing so.

Lord show me when it's time to get off this crazy train. And until then, I know your grace abounds.

FightFoca.com

2008-11-11T13:22:00.003-06:00

This month we are all knee-deep in politics. Election. Election results. Victory speeches. Party agendas. The White House transition. It's enough to make you sick. I sat in bed the night of President elect Obama's victory speech and I wanted to throw up. I assure you this is not my attempt to raise my voice against our new Commander in Chief. I think I would be feeling the same way if McCain had given that speech. It struck me as pathetic that after all the mud slinging and dirt digging that both of these men stood on the podium that night praising one another. What a load of shit (sorry mom, there's no other word to describe it).

After I put my personal response to their meaningless speeches aside, I decided that the God I serve is sovereign and I believe He places people in leadership. So although I do not understand His method, I trust His heart. My pastor shared on Sunday that we need to respect the fact that Obama is our new president and pray hard for him to have the wisdom he needs to lead this country. He even pointed out that while Obama might be considered "inexperienced" for the task, he didn't know one person whose resume would qualify them to be the leader of the free world. I agree wholeheartedly with these thoughts and I am asking the Lord to give me peace in my heart and a sharp mind that remembers daily to lift up this country and its new leader.

With that said, there is just one issue I cannot settle in my heart. A few weeks ago you might have heard me saying that I'm not a one issue voter, that I wouldn't vote on the issues but rather character because I don't believe the issues can be fought through political means. While my boss touted his strong views on abortion and it being the only thing that matters in selecting the next president, I stood my ground believing it didn't matter what the president thought because he couldn't change someone's heart on the issue. "Abortion is a heart issue", I would say. "Even if abortion is illegal, women will still find a way to do it if they wanted. We have to change their hearts, not the law."

Today I received an email about the Freedom of Choice Act. The email led me to a website http://www.fightfoca.com/ where I could sign a petition against this legislation that Obama is promising to pass. While visiting the site to sign the petition I watched a video of Obama and his promise to make the passing of this act "the first thing he does as President." Now, I work in the entertainment industry so I am well aware of the miracle of video editing and how it can make something sound. So I'm not completely naive to think that Obama meant his little Planned Parenthood speech the way it came across. Yet although I watched with mixed feelings of cynacism and sadness, I was mostly grieved by the fact that such a law has even a fighting chance of becoming a reality. The video showed a young woman asking about a woman's rights and how he would secure those rights. This of course is when he raised his voice in true democratic fashion declaring that he would pass this act as President. All I could think was, What's with this woman? She planning to get knocked up? Why is it so important to HER to be able to terminate a pregnancy? It just struck me as odd that the right to choose would mean so much to a woman who would likely not ever need to choose.

So I have to ask the question - do any of us really know what we are fighting for? I think we get so caught up in the fight that many times we forget what we are fighting for. These women who fight for their right to choose simply want the
freedom to "fix" their mistakes or save themselves if ever faced with the choice of their life or their unborn child's. I realize there are cases where abortion could mean saving a mother's life but I know those cases are so rare and thus do not believe they deem this legislation across the board. I suppose being someone of faith it's easy for me to say He is sovereign and we shouldn't mess with His plan no matter how horrible it may seem. Still, I know what I am fighting for. To me, it's not about the circumstances surrounding the situation. Mistake or not. Rape or not. Risk or not. You either believe it's a life or you don't. Period. And the hard truth is, it is a life and we must behave accordingly.

I think I was very wrong about voting on the issues. I actually did end up voting in favor of the right to life but that was not my reasoning behind it. I voted on character and my gut feeling yet I didn't win. He didn't win. But although I am grieved by what could be a horrible reality for millions of innocent babies, I know He is still on the throne and nothing comes as a surprise to Him. Still, I am now compelled to make this issue an even greater matter of prayer. If we are going to fight, then our best strategy is to fight in intercession for our leaders to have wisdom and revelation of the truth.

Proverbs 31

2008-10-31T09:05:00.005-06:00

I have been compelled lately to study this passage - Proverbs 31 - with great depth. Perhaps it is because I am working so hard right now to balance my role as a wife and mother and employee. I have felt such a great weight in the past few weeks in trying to do all things well. I'm afraid I fail miserably every day.

As I read through this passage today - one I've read probably a hundred times, I thought, What Ev! Who on earth can live up to this? I was immediately discouraged, yet the desire to be this woman became greater and greater in my heart.

I circled and underlined several words and phrases. And although I don't want this to become a list that I must live up to, I do want to note them here as a reminder to us all that we are called to these things. I'm sure many of you feel the same overwhelming weight when you look at this list. I know I am not alone. But I don't want my fear of these things to deter me from aspiring to them. Here are some of the characteristics of a Proverbs 31 woman:

She is:
capable
trustworthy
enriching
helpful
busy
a planner
inspecting
earning
a planter
energetic
strong
a hard worker
watching for bargains (ok, I have achieved this one! : )
extending a helping hand
opening her arms to the needy
not walking in fear
dignified
laughing with no fear of the future
kind
careful
watchful
blessed by her children
praised by her husband
rewarded

Wow! What a woman. I want to be her so badly.

And on that note, I'd better go tend to the laundry. At least now I have a holy motivation when I put my hand to things.

Something Beautiful

2008-10-28T13:36:00.004-06:00

There are so many things I've considered blogging about in the past few days. Politics, the current (somewhat sad) state of The Church, The Shack (no, I haven't finished it yet, get off my back!), the American economy. . . many interesting topics have crossed my mind. Perhaps it's because I'm in a bit of a crazy season right now, but I just couldn't muster up the energy to address any of the above. So today, I choose to write about current events as it relates to the Wolstenholm household.

Yesterday, Dave and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. We didn't do anything all that special. Just a quiet night out, shopping and eating without the little one. Please remind me to never again choose shopping for my anniversary date. Upon arrival at the mall, Dave said something like, "You going in Banana Republic? OK, I'll be somewhere else. Just call my cell when you are done." Incredibly romantic! We did end up later having a nice dinner and shopping together at Barnes and Noble. Ah, books. The thing that can bring any couple together!

Anyway, I digress. . . so back to our marriage. I think this year was especially reflective because all day I kept looking at Hope thinking, this life is a product of our marriage. This is what we have to celebrate this year.

Now I hope in years to come, our anniversary will be a time to celebrate me and Dave. . . that it won't have to be about our children. But this year, it seemed appropriate to dwell on the fact that Hope is a product of two people partnering together, enduring hardship and overcoming adversity in order to bring glory to the Father through something beautiful and living. It nearly took my breath away to think about our marriage in that regard. Even as I write this, I am gaining an even deeper understanding of this revelation and now my prayer is that He'll give us the grace to apply that truth to every area of our lives together. Our family, our friends, this unsteady and hurting world that we have got to reach out to!

I thank the Lord that He gives us marriage as a clear picture of His relationship with The Church. It's not always pretty, but it can create something beautiful if we, together, fight the good fight in faith.

Happy Anniversary Dave! I love you more and more every day!

The Shack (Part 2)

2008-10-21T10:32:00.005-06:00

Yes. . .I am still reading The Shack. I know it's sad. I'm a new mom - give me a break! I am almost done though. I'm only able to read a chapter a night before dozing off, so it's a slow process. And then I went out of town, yada, yada. Silly me thought I might be able to finish it on the plane. Yeah right, not with a 5 month old on your lap!

So back to the book. . .last night I read the chapter where Papa takes Mack on a journey of forgiveness. Like I said before, I can't say I agree with every little theological detail but once again this encounter with God gave me such a sweet picture of our relationship with Him. The way He lead Mack to the place of forgiveness, understood how difficult it was for him to forgive, yet pushed him until he forgave because He knew it would bring freedom. And it did. It brought freedom and deep understanding of what God did in order to forgive each one of us. Such a beautiful picture!

I'm sure I'll be able to say lots more once I finally wrap up this story. But for now, I still give it two thumbs up! This book has been very timely for me. At a time where perhaps new motherhood, stress, and great transition has made me re-evaluate my relationship with the Lord, I have this somewhat allegorical companion to my thought process. It could be dangerous to put too much weight on that so I will not. But I believe the Lord uses art to show us small glimpses of Himself. Hopefully if we are walking closely with Him, those glimpses will enhance our current view of the Lord, not overshadow it.

So here's to a greater view. I really hope the ending doesn't ruin it. . .

Hope's First Trip!

2008-10-15T19:45:00.004-06:00

This weekend we visited Minnesota to see Dave's family. We had a wonderful time and Hope did so well on the plane and also sleeping in a new place for the first time. She's such a good little traveler. Here are some highlights.

Oh. . .and FYI moms. . .the new whale tub from Target is awesome! It's the perfect reclining position for infants to lay back but not slide around. I already have a tub, but I think I may go out and get this one too. It's so much better than the traditional plastic tub!

Here's Hope taking a bath, performing her new olympic-ready gymnast stance, attending her first tea party at Aunt Jane's and lastly, sporting a Minnesota approved, monkey fur hat (which was completely necessary in the 80 degree weather we had).

Just Another Ordinary Monday. . .

2008-10-06T10:17:00.003-06:00

It's just another ordinary Monday . . . I'm sitting here in my living room, watching my daughter play in her Baby Einstein Excersaucer. She beams with excitement with every sound and song. I find that I'm beaming myself as I watch her learn and get excited about doing so. I can hardly believe that I had a part in "making" this wonderful creature. I know I've said this before, but how can anyone deny there is a God after experiencing new life?

I never understood what other mothers meant until I experienced for myself the sure joy of watching my child learn something new. This week its simply how to grab your foot and put it in your mouth, but what the heck . . . it's still a beautiful thing!

And now she whines and cries. Oh yes, it's just another ordinary Monday and I think it's time for lunch.

Delight

2008-09-30T12:53:00.007-06:00

My mom called a minute ago to ask if I was familiar with this new voice Hope had found. Oh yes, I am familiar. . . she's got this new, high pitched squeal that she lets out anytime she is happy, which is most of the time these days. Let's not discuss the fact that she took a 2 1/2 hour nap for mom today. I'm not quite sure why she can't sleep that long for me. I keep telling myself it's because she loves to be with mommy and can't stand the thought of sleeping when we could be playing. That sounds about right.

I got to spend the day with my sweet girl yesterday. Mondays are my day at home with her. After her morning nap (which ran short of my expectations of course) I brought her down to the office where I was working and I put her in her bouncy seat to play while mommy typed away. My back was to her but I could hear this constant, excited squeal behind me. I would turn around every few minutes to interact with her and she would kick and wave in delight. I kept thinking to myself, Is it possible that she's even cuter than she was yesterday? Each new day brings a new sound or facial expression or a new level of response to me and Dave. There is so much to treasure right now. I don't want to miss a second of it.

While I want to be fiercely focused on her eating, sleeping and behavioral habits, right now it seems nothing really matters as much as enjoying every sweet moment with her. Who cares if she only sleeps 45 minutes?! It's just more time for me to revel every minute with her!

My Inconvenient Truth

2008-09-26T15:55:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I found myself a bit early for a coffee meeting so I decided to run into Publix to pick up a few things. I only had about seven minutes to spare but these days, seven baby-free minutes means a lot so I ran into the store to grab some birthday cards. My seven minutes quickly turned to about thirty seconds and I ran to the shortest line hoping to jet out of there as fast as I could.

Have I ever mentioned that I have the spiritual gift of picking the longest line? Without fail, I always choose the wrong line. This time, I chose the line with a very sweet, disabled man. He was thorough and friendly and kind and. . . did I mention thorough? I told myself immediately that I would be patient and allow this man to serve me the way he desired to serve. Although I hate to be late, I knew that I could not allow a reaction to this inconvenience. The more thorough he got, the more I felt impatience rise up within me and then I simply heard the Lord say, "His inconvenience is far greater than yours." With that I stood there smiling, ready to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. He was such a sweet man and you could tell he had a great desire to be excellent at what he did. It was a beautiful thing.

I walked out of there a few minutes late for my appointment but it turned out the girl I was meeting was running late herself. No harm done at all and a really great lesson for me. I don't want to ever think so highly of myself and my schedule that I miss out on appreciating the beauty of God's people. This sweet man was serving with all his heart and I was honored to be on the receiving end. I can only hope to carry a heart like his.

Hope's Dedication

2008-09-18T09:47:00.004-06:00

This past Sunday we dedicated Hope to the Lord in the presence of our family and friends. This might sound odd, but this was one of the major events that I had been looking forward to. . . even as I was still pregnant. I just kept thinking about the moment we could stand in front of our church body and thank them for their incredible support while giving the Lord complete glory for our miracle. It was a very sweet time and a great reminder of the journey we had traveled to get us to this point. He truly has done great things for us!

Here's a pic from our special day and a few shots from when we caught Hope reading the other day. I think she's going to be a book worm like daddy!

The Shack

2008-09-10T13:07:00.005-06:00

This month I joined the hundreds of thousands of people who have read or are reading the book, The Shack. I have to admit, I was hesitant at first. I'm not usually one to jump on a bandwagon. Actually, I usually avoid all bandwagons as much as possible. And I had heard so many mixed reviews of the book that ran the gamut from some people absolutely praising the work to others questioning its theology. I suppose the main factor that pulled me toward the book was the fact that it is basically the biggest self-publishing phenomenon of the century (I realize we're not all that far into this century, but you get what I mean). As someone who works in the publishing industry, I couldn't help myself but to explore why so many people have been magnetically drawn to this story.

I'm only half way through, but I continue to be intrigued by this little book. I don't want to give too much away but I'll share that the main character encounters the trinity (God the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit) at "the shack", represented by three very unique and quirky characters. Do I think it is theologically sound to use a big, black woman named Papa to represent God the Father? Not completely. But I'm lead to ask the question, does that really matter? Surely it isn't the physical make up of God that matters (seeing as how He doesn't actually have a physical make up) but rather how the heart and character of Him are portrayed. I'm sure it's much easier to accept C.S Lewis' character of Aslan as a picture of Christ because a lion has been used to represent God in the Word and beyond.

As I was reading last night, I came to a very tender moment in the story where Mack (the main character) is sitting and talking to Jesus (represented by a Jewish Carpenter named Jesus - not a huge stretch of the imagination). Mack tells Jesus how it's so much easier to talk to him than God (Papa or Elouisa as "she" is also called - let's not get into the gender thing ok?) and the Holy Spirit (an Asian woman named Sarayu). Jesus responds by explaining to Mack that he is meant to be the relational "arm" of the three. He explains that he (Jesus) encompasses all of the best of the character of God and the Holy Spirit and is meant to make those things tangible and relational for people (I am completely paraphrasing here based on what I took away from the text). I'm still chewing on all of the theology involved here but I closed the book and went to sleep with such a tender image of my Jesus. Without over thinking the theology involved, this conversation allowed me to imagine such an accessible savior. . . one that allows the very supernatural nature of God and the Holy Spirit to be right within my grasp. Suddenly, the love of the Father and the power of the Holy Spirit seems a little more real to me.

I figure if this story can open my eyes, it's likely that the eyes of many have been opened to such relationship. And I'm only half way through! Again, I am not saying I agree with every aspect of the method or the story line, but it seems to me this book is simply striking an emotional chord with people who want to see God more realistically. I'm sure many non-believers have picked up this book as well. I pray they will take every bit of truth out of its pages and turn that revelation into a real relationship with Christ.

I'm sure I'll post again before I'm done reading The Shack. But I've been struck so hard already by this book, I just had to share. I recommend anyone picking it up. . . but make sure you read it with an open mind!

Hope Rolls Over!

2008-09-02T08:22:00.006-06:00

I have never had so much fun coaching anyone to do anything! Hope rolled over for the first time this weekend. Well. . .she rolled from her back to her side and from her tummy to her back. She's working hard on rolling from her back to her tummy. She's almost there. But boy is she determined. She just keeps trying and she gets so frustrated when she can't do it. Her little arm gets in the way and she can't quite make it over the hump. Here's a little video of her rolling from her tummy to her back. It's progress. . .so we will celebrate it here!

The Wisdom of CS Lewis

2008-08-28T09:35:00.004-06:00

“We are not exactly doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” - CS Lewis

This is one of those quotes that makes you stand up and shout, YES! I read this while I was walking out my infertility journey and it provided me a mixture of sadness and hope. Sadness, as I realized the reality that the pain of waiting could go on for quite some time. Hope, as I clung tightly to the promise that He would do what was best for us - no matter what that meant.

In the end, our pain relatively paled in comparison to that of others. But I hope to carry this truth with me and remember it as I continue to walk through life. There will be many more roads that we travel, for ourselves and for others that will require our willingness to walk through pain in order to reach His best.

There are moments of questioning the pain . . . but I will always trust the outcome.

On Love and Motherhood

2008-08-26T15:04:00.004-06:00

I had lunch with an old friend yesterday. She asked me what it was like to be a mom in terms of my love for Hope. It's amazing that she asked me this question as I have been trying to wrap my head around a mommy's love for a few weeks now.

I think it was two weeks ago that I looked at Hope and I actually felt my heart skip a beat. At the same time, I experienced that silly feeling in my tummy that I haven't felt since Dave and I were dating. In that moment, I realized that I was falling in love with my little girl and that falling in love (no matter if it's with your spouse or your child) apparently feels the same. Maybe that sounds freaky or sick to some people. It was a bit odd to me at first. But then I realized that falling in love encompasses a whole host of emotion and determination that changes your life forever.

Falling in love makes you realize you'll give your life for that person. . .that you want to be with them 24/7. . . that you would do anything to make them feel loved and safe and secure with you. When you fall in love you want nothing more than to learn everything you possibly can about the uniqueness of that person and celebrate it every day of their life.

Yes, I am definitely falling in love with my little girl. And the irony of it is. . . the more love I feel for Hope, the more I am reminded that I have not loved my husband well. Leave it to our sweet heavenly Father to use parenting to bring us back around to marriage. Oh He's so strategic like that. It's those early-relationship butterflies in the tummy that first motivate us to love and to serve well. I pray that the grace of God would keep those butterflies fluttering in my heart - for Hope and for her daddy.

Hope's 3 Month Pictures

2008-08-21T14:30:00.004-06:00

Well. . .I did it. I spent my life savings on portraits of my child. Something I said I would never do. But seriously. . . who can resist beautiful pictures of their child? We're all self-absorbed enough to think our parents and our siblings and our aunts and uncles and friends and well. . . I guess the lady down at Publix will all want a 5x7 of our child, right? Lord knows I got enough to pass out to all of Williamson County! Don't be surprised if you see these shots posted at your local grocery store!!

But isn't she sweet?

Hope Speaks Out!

2008-08-14T14:02:00.004-06:00

I can hardly believe how much Hope is "talking" these days. She is very vocal, just like her mommy! I think I might be in for it with this kid. She is not afraid to speak out. Now Dave and I just need to teach her to speak truth and life and encouragement so she can use this "gift" for good.

I'm pretty sure the amount of "talking" she's doing now has nothing to do with how she'll be later, but it's fun to think about!!

Naptime Prayers

2008-08-05T13:35:00.005-06:00

So yesterday I received a little Holy kick in the pants. . .I hate those.

Sunday night I had the pleasure of going out with my girlfriends. It was one of their birthdays so we gathered at Cheesecake Factory (where else would 4 girls gather to celebrate a birthday?!) for some good food and great conversation. Because I am the last of the brood to have children, I definitely benefit from their already-gained wisdom and experience. Although Hope is doing really well, our daytime naps remain a challenge. So I asked the girls for some advice on what to do next.

I'll spare you the entire round table discussion and I'll just say I walked away knowing I was on the right track but just needed to fine tune my schedule. I was focusing so much on Hope's eating schedule that I didn't pay enough attention to whether or not she was napping at the same time every day. Turns out it varied a little too much.

I went home and talked with my husband and really got before the Lord to ask what I should do. I quickly came up with a new schedule that would work well for our home - considering Dave's and my work schedule and Hope's time at grandmas. Since I was home with her yesterday, it was the perfect time to implement it.

Let me back track for just a second to say my big challenge with our naps is that she only sleeps for 45 minutes. Three or four 45 minute naps a day makes for a very fussy baby. Although she sleeps 10-11 hours straight through the night, her lack of daytime sleep makes her less than enjoyable when Daddy gets home in the evenings.

She went down very easily for each nap. That in itself is another form of triumph for us. But even as she drifted off to dreamland with ease, I found myself begging God to "make her sleep for at least an hour, preferably two please."

8:00am Nap #1 - 45 minutes exactly. Ok Lord, it was just the first nap. Can you take care of the next one please?

Then I decided I would intercede on her behalf at that 45 minute mark. I knew I could just pray her through to an hour or more.

11:00am Nap #2 - 50 minutes. Well that's a little progress Lord but I had something more in mind.

2:00pm Nap #3 - 55 minutes. Are you kidding me Lord? Is this the way it's going to be? At this rate, it will take weeks to get where we need to be.

4:30pm Nap #4 (which I am only doing until she starts sleeping more) - 35 minutes. I give up here Lord. I guess I can't pray her to sleep.

And then it hit me. This process (and that's exactly what it is) is so much more about my willingness to persevere then it is about her sleep. So I took that as a clear kick in the pants from the Lord to just keep pressing through and trusting Him for her well being. Dave and I had no trouble contending for her life before she was born. We must still contend for every step of her growth and progress. It might seem like a little thing to want her to sleep more during the day, but it's not. It's so important to her little body. It's definitely something to contend for.

So I will not be discouraged that we only made little progress yesterday. And I believe that she will sleep longer with a few weeks of this consistency. In the meantime, I am learning to persevere in faith, for even something as seemingly little as sleep.

Week One Back in the "Real World"

2008-07-29T14:48:00.005-06:00

I suppose I should use the term "real world" very lightly considering the fact that I work in the entertainment industry. It doesn't very much feel like the real world most of the time!

Things have been going very well at work. I'm busy enough to keep my mind off not being with Hope but not busy enough that I feel overwhelmed and want to quit. I'm sure my boss would be relieved to know that. I have to admit I've battled this feeling that nothing I am doing is as important as the little life that waits for me back home. Would I rather work on that sales report or teach my baby girl something new today? Sales report? Baby girl? Sales report? Baby girl?

One good thing that I think will come out of my situation is my being very purposeful when I AM home with Hope. I'm sure all of us moms can tend to get lazy when trying to be diligent with our kids all the time. . .or maybe that's just me. I think if I was home with her everyday, it would get old to me and I'd get lazy in my time with her. Maybe it's really sad that I'm admitting this. For now, I know that three days a week she's getting the best of my mom who will play with her and teach her things. By the time I get home to her on Thursday nights, I've missed her so much and I'm so excited to get into her world that she then gets the best of me. I believe it's a good balance for me and for Hope.

As long as it doesn't get to the point where I am so overwhelmed that she is getting "leftover mommy," I am thankful for our situation. The Lord has abundantly provided everything we've needed up until this point, I know that provision will continue each step of the way! And someday, when it is time for me to stay home with her full time (and I do hope for that day), He will then provide all the grace I need to give her the best of myself every day of the week. I guess I'm glad I get to ease into it!

First Day Back

2008-07-22T16:09:00.003-06:00

I'm headed out the door after my first day back to work. It went pretty well. I didn't cry at all. Just felt a slight underlying feeling of guilt all day for not being home with Hope and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because I miss her so much.

She's home with my mom which is the only reason I didn't lose it today. It feels so safe to know she's with grandma. I am proud to say I only called home once today to check on them. To my delight, grandma reported that Hope went down for her naps very well and even slept 2 hours after her 11 am bottle. I am so thankful Hope has been so good for my mom and yet I wonder why she's not been that good for me! I suppose she's on her best behavior for grandma!

I'm still not sure if I am ever going to get used to leaving her. As great as our situation is, it is hard. But I feel called to be doing what I am doing so for now, this is my reality. Dave and I are taking it one step at a time as we walk the parenting trail. Maybe someday I'll get to stay home with her, but for now she gets to enjoy extra special time with grandma.

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be A Mom. . .

2008-07-21T17:30:00.004-06:00

I kept saying that I still didn't really feel like a mom yet. Everything has been so surreal and unbelievable that it just hadn't sunk in. I would look at Hope and think, is she really mine? Am I responsible for this life? That was. . .until today.

Today we had Hope's two-month check up. All you moms out there know exactly what's coming. . .SHOTS! Yes, we endured the dreaded "first shot visit" today with our sweet girl. Dave came with us, thank God. I would not have made it without him there. After much prayer and deliberation, we determined that she should receive all five shots today. Three in one leg, two in the other.

After shot number one, she didn't make a peep. Dave and I looked at each other and thought, cool! Just then, the nurse blurted out, "Oh, I meant to tell you it doesn't usually kick in until shot #2." And then it came. . .the most horrible sound I have ever heard in my entire life. . .my child's cry of pain. With shot #'s 3, 4 and 5 it got worse and worse until I thought I was going to die. I stood there weeping. I looked over at Dave and he was crying too. I'm not talking sad little teary eyes. We were both balling by the end of it. I took her in my arms and tried to comfort her while I listened to her cry cries I have never heard come out of her. She calmed down a bit, letting out only little whimpers and sighs and at that moment, as I held her close, I knew I was her mom. I finally felt like her mom.

I think I now know what it means to be a parent. The idea that you allow your child to go through a little bit of pain because you know it's a means to a better end completely encompasses parenting. I realize this is just the tip of the iceberg for that truth. I guess there will be many more tears to come for Hope and for us!

P.S. I return to work tomorrow. Yet another milestone on this journey. Please pray for peace and strength as we make this transition. I am so thankful I get to leave her with my mom!

Dirty Little Secrets

2008-07-16T15:20:00.004-06:00

So almost every day I watch Rachael Ray at 3pm central standard time. Most of the time, Hope is sleeping - although today I took about 6 trips up the stairs during the three o clock hour and she just finally drifted off at 4:15. I just love Rachael Ray. Sure, she doesn't share all of my values, but she's pretty down to earth and her shows are more helpful and informative than gossipy. And so I watch whenever I can.

Today she had on two women that authored the books, "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" and "Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Imperfect Moms." The latter book was the focus of the show. Rachael even had moms send in videos with their dirty little mom secrets (more about mom-light savings time later). I found myself getting really into their tips and tricks. Ha, Ha, Ha. I thought. I may be a new mom, but I'm not crazy. I'm only 2 months in, but all moms feel like this from time to time. They all fudge a little just to get a break.

And then I felt that tug on my heart and I knew I needed to guard myself against jumping on board this train. I'm sure the book is really cute and the dirty little secrets are silly and harmless but if I'm looking for fun ways out already, I'm in for trouble. It's not that I think it's wrong for a mom to turn all of her clocks ahead to trick her children into going to bed an hour early, just so she can take a bubble bath. No way sister. If that's what that mother of 8 year old twins needed to do, more power to her! It's just that I felt a place of comfort, identifying with moms who are burned out and tired of trying to be perfect. I related all too well already, thinking that's totally going to be me.

I don't want that to be me. I have no desire to be supermom but more importantly, I have no desire to try to be supermom only to fall short every day and hate myself for it. I just want to be a peaceful and diligent mom who is led by the Spirit to do what is best for Hope, no matter what other moms think or do. I'm sure there will be times when I fudge a bit. . .bend the "rules" or throw the schedule out the window. That's the fun and flexible part of the mom I want to be.

I think all in all, balance is the key. We can't take ourselves or our job as a mom too seriously, yet we need to go after it with excellence and diligence. I'm not sure I've found the secret to attaining this balance (after all I'm only 2 months in) but I am committed to get there. . .for her sake and for mine.

P.S. I decided not to get that book just yet. I don't think it's best for this rookie to learn the secrets too soon. Although I think I will pick it up at some point once I have a little more time under my belt as a mom.

Little Indulgences

2008-07-09T14:38:00.004-06:00

If you don't mind indulging me for a moment. I bought this outfit a few months before Hope was born. I couldn't resist. It said "Little Miracle" and had wings attached to the back. I know, I know. Completely corny. But I broke down and spent the $20 I didn't need to spend on something I knew she would wear once for pictures.

Well last weekend, I was looking in her closet and came across my little indulgence. I almost missed it what with it being crammed between 15 million other little indulgences. I pretty much freaked because I knew for sure it didn't fit our little chunk a monk any more. But I made Dave help me get it on her and we had a little photo shoot. She was not happy but I think it was worth it!

She is doing very well this week. Her digestive system seems to be strengthening and we continue to believe the Lord for complete healing. She is consistently sleeping through the night. 8 1/2 hours straight the past three nights! Now if only I can get her to nap longer than 45 minutes at a time during the day. . .oh well, one thing at a time.

Here are a few shots from our big photo shoot. Isn't she precious?!

A Matter Of Healing

2008-07-01T14:35:00.005-06:00

We had a wonderful night last night. Hope slept 8 hours straight! I can hardly believe it. Now if I can just get her to do that consistently. . .we're on our way there. She's had a great day today as well. Although she is still battling digestive issues, we seem to have it a bit more under control. Praise the Lord!

I have though, really felt the Lord speaking to me in the past few days about making this a matter of healing. I suppose since the doctor and many books and websites I have read have said this is "normal", I figured we would just deal with it. But I feel the Lord telling me that I don't just have to deal with it. . .that we can have peace in Hope's body and in our home. We just have to make it a matter of healing for Hope.

Although I have constantly prayed over her little body for peace and relief from her discomfort, I am now contending boldly for her complete and total healing. I am asking the Lord to relieve her of any digestive issues and to bring peace to her system. I am a little embarrased that I didn't start this sooner, but I know this is the Lord's way of teaching me even more to press into Him and not just accept things that I am told.

So many lessons to learn about Hope and myself and the Lord. I am actually beginning to get excited about how this new season is going to refine me. I always figured it would, but the reality of it is so much deeper than I had imagined. I love the way He continues to mold us through all of life's circumstances - the good and the bad.

Sweet Peace

2008-06-25T14:10:00.006-06:00

Hope is six weeks today and we're making progress. Last night she slept for 6 1/2 hours straight. Woo hoo! Mommy and Daddy are feeling good today! I've realized that she loves to take long afternoon naps as well so I've been getting about 3 hours to myself every day. It seems that I'm getting to the place where I understand her more and that makes me feel a little more equipt to guide her. . .if that makes any sense.

Thanks for all your prayers. Here's a little picture of what peace looks like!

A Psalm for Hope

2008-06-23T13:49:00.005-06:00

I think last night was our worst yet. Worse than those very early days when I was sure she would never sleep. Last night, after three days of great progress and triumph, my sweet girl not only didn't sleep but she cried in pain for hours. Oh her poor little digestive system. She just couldn't settle down. I know most of you are reading this and just laughing - remembering your own nights such as this. Promise me this will pass?!

I keep beating myself up because I don't quite know what to do with her. Work towards a schedule or just comfort her? I suppose I should shoot for somewhere in the middle. I am reminding myself that the level of confusion and craziness that I feel are no indication of my ability as a mother. It's all so knew to me. I very often feel fear rise up within me. I am fighting it as I keep asking the Father for wisdom and grace.

My time in the Word has been a little hit or miss. But this morning I knew I had to dig in. The Lord led me to read Psalm 139, one of my favorites. As I got to verse 13, I heard Him say, "Read it and insert Hope's name." This is what I read and these are the promises I will stand on for my baby girl.

"For You created Hope's inmost being. You knit her together in my womb. I praise you because she is fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. Hope's frame was not hidden from You when she was made in the secret place. When she was woven together in the depths of the earth Your eyes saw her unformed body. All the days ordained for Hope were written in Your book, before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16

Each and every day I spend with Hope has been ordained by You Lord. You are not surprised by her discomfort. You know the source of every cry. Please cover me Lord as I gently lead her to a place of peace.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things. . .

2008-06-16T07:47:00.003-06:00

So I'm taking a break from lamenting about how hard it is to parent a newborn. Most of you that read this blog are mothers so I'm not telling you anything new! Blah, blah, blah. . .this is hard. . .she's getting more fussy. . .harder to predict, etc, etc. You know the drill. I'll just keep praying.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite new baby items with you. I know I've only been at this about a month, but I already have a "must have" list.

Oxy Clean Spray - my friend Kristy got me this as a gift at my shower. She swore by it and I am echoing her endorsement. Friday morning Hope had the biggest blow out. We're talking green poop all over a brand new outfit my grandma bought her. A few squirts of Oxy Clean spray and a run through the wash and you would never know she pooped so hard it came out the front of the diaper all over her clothes.

Gerber Organic Onesies - I love them! They are true to size so the 0-3 month ones really did fit her at the beginning and they are sooooooo soft! Even after you wash them. A must have staple for every baby's wardrobe.

Bath Sponge - ok I'm not totally sure exactly what it's called. My friends Gwen and Sarah turned me on to this. They said they use this instead of a baby bathtub. But I use both. The bath sponge is yellow and acts like a little cradle the baby can lay in while bathing. I place it in the baby tub so she has something soft to lay on. I know some tubs (mine included) come with a sling, but this is so much better and it holds the water so she feels the warmth on her back. At only $5.99, it's totally worth it. For her first few weeks, I used it on the kitchen counter, on a towel to lay her in while I sponge-bathed her.

Old-fashioned, White, Gausey Burp Cloths - I only have one that I got at a boutique (embroidered). I cannot for the life of me find any cheap, plain ones. Anyone know where to get them? They are really the best type of burp cloth. They make so many kinds. . .flannel, more towel like. But to me, these work the best. I'm on the hunt for more (probably not boutique ones as they are pricey), so let me know if you have any leads. Would you believe with everything they sell at Babies r Us, they have one type of burp cloth there? A pack of pink (or blue) Gerber cotton ones (I bought them and they are fine but not my fave). I used to think the flannel ones from Target were my pick but the more I wash them, the harder they get.

Baby Einstein "Mirror Me" Book - my friend Stephanie got this for me. I use it every day for Hope's floor and tummy time. She really seems to look at the pictures. I'm not sure she gets the mirror yet, but she will. It's a great play-time book for newborns.

Medela Micro Steam Bags - if you are breastfeeding and you don't know about these, you are missing out. I'm not even breastfeeding anymore and I still use them! My friend Amber turned me on to them. Well, not intentionally, I just watched her use them and I decided for myself that I must have them. They come in a box of 5 steam bags. You can use each bag 20 times. So for about $9.99 you get to steam your pump accessories or your bottle nipples or pacifiers 100 times. You just throw everything into the bag, add a little water, pop it in the microwave for 90 seconds and there you go. Everything is steamed! They are so easy to use and it makes me feel great to steam my items once or twice a week. When I was pumping, I steamed the pump parts after every use.

Well, I think that's enough information for one day. I'm sure my list will grow. Feel free to comment back with some of your favorite items. I'm always looking for new tricks! Yesterday at church, I totally felt like the new kid in school while in the "mother's room". I need all the training I can get from those of you that have gone before me. As you can see from my list above, most of my favorites have been recommendations of my friends. Thank you all for that.

P.S. My goal for today is to catch up on my friend's blogs. I feel so out of the loop on their lives, being so consumed with mine and Hope's. So here's to trying to get out there in cyberworld a bit today. Wish me luck!

Laying It Down

2008-06-08T09:34:00.004-06:00

Saturday morning was tough. After a hard night on Friday with Hope waking up every 2 hours and basically snack feeding all night, she was a bit out of sorts the next morning. I sat on the stairs in the kitchen and just listened to her cries, fighting back tears myself. I have to be honest and tell you that these weren't normal "mommy tears" because it hurt my heart to hear her (like most of my friends tell me they experienced). No, these were "I can't take it anymore, when will there be order in my life, I'm so overwhelmed" tears. As I sat there, I looked over to my books (baby bibles if you will) and my baby journal sitting on the kitchen table. I wanted so desperately to rip them open once again in search for "the answer." And then I felt the Lord say, "Lay it down. Lay them down. You know the principles they hold. You've studied them. Now let my Holy Spirit guide you. Just lay it all down."

I wasn't sure that it was the Lord I was hearing or just my own fleshly desire to throw in the towel on routine. Dave came and sat down beside me. He held me and told me I was doing a great job, that is was just going to take time. Reluctantly, I verbalized what I had just felt the Lord say. . .and as I did, Hope stopped crying.

She didn't start crying again in 2 minutes (as had been happening all morning). She just drifted off to sleep. Dave and I looked at each other and laughed a bit. Then I said, "I'll take that as a sign." So I packed up my books in a basket on the bookshelf. It's not that I won't ever reference them or pick back up with recording Hope's eating and sleeping and pooping schedule. But for now, the Lord has given me instruction to let it go. . .for my sake and for the sake of our effectively parenting Hope. . .and focus on His leading.

The rest of the day and night were amazing. She followed a 3 hour schedule almost to the minute. She ate well, played well, went to sleep well and Dave and I were able to relax and enjoy a Saturday (in between feedings and poopy diapers).

I'm not naive to think that this will continue every day. But there's progress and that is life to my dry bones! I think I knew deep down in my heart that the process of parenting would be more about what it taught me than what it teaches Hope. But the reality of that is just more shocking to the system than I thought. Praise God for His amazing grace!

And I Thought Making Her Was Hard!

2008-06-03T12:59:00.006-06:00

The other night as Dave and I were struggling to make it through one of Hope's meltdowns, I exclaimed to him through tear-filled eyes, "I thought making her was hard. . .having her is so much harder!" I hate even admiting that. I suppose I thought that since I longed for her for so long that I wouldn't mind all of the hardships that come with a newborn. Oh how our flesh is quick to forget what got us to this point. As I processed my feelings a bit more last night (this being a dangerous thing to do during the postpartum period), I couldn't stop crying and I realized that I am so overwhelmed by the reality of her that I'm not enjoying the miracle that she is. I don't want to miss out on these early moments of being able gaze into her sweet eyes and thank the Lord for allowing us to have her. But for some reason, I'm having a really hard time figuring her out and getting into a groove with her. I know, I know. . .she's only 3 weeks old. But I feel it's so important to establish good habits and consistency early on. How can I be consistent when she is so inconsistent?

Dave has been such a support to me and to Hope in these early weeks. He's so wonderful with her and with me. I feel so badly when she is screaming and then I start crying. He's then got two girls with tears on his hands. . .but he responds like a strong man of God every time. Last night he reminded me of my post from October 3, 2007, shortly after we found out we'd conceived again. He read back to me the prayer of declaration I wrote and spoke over my and Hope's life every day of my pregnancy. He encouraged me that this new season is just another step on the journey and that I should cover it again with another prayer of faith. So here it goes. . .

Lord, I declare that You have anointed me to be the mother of Hope. Your Word says that "You are able to make all grace abound to me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work" (2 Corinthians 9). Today I ask that the Spirit of Wisdom and Peace be on me and in me, providing everything that I need to steward and guide Hope as she adjusts to life on this earth. In Jesus name I declare that I will not let fear or outside advice get in the way of hearing Your voice as I look to You to guide our days. Give me patience and strategy to know just what Hope needs, everyday. I thank You Father for the gift of Hope. May my life and hers bring honor to You. Amen.

So many people told me that this would be the hardest yet most rewarding thing I'll ever do. I now understand exactly what that means.

Does This Thing Come With An Instruction Manual?

2008-05-28T15:04:00.007-06:00

It amazes me how you can receive a 200 page booklet with every camera, computer and toaster you bring into your home, but something as intricate as a brand new life comes with no instruction manual. I know, they say we've all been given motherly instinct, but let's be honest - how far does that really get us?

I've read lots of books and I completely agree with all of the tips and philosophies they cover. There's just one little thing. . .they didn't know my baby when they wrote that book. Hope is actually a pretty easy baby. She doesn't cry much unless there is a clear reason. But she has her quirks. She's a little random still when it comes to eating times and despite my best effort to guide her to an eat/wake/sleep schedule, she usually chooses eat/sleep or eat/wake. I suppose she's an extremist!

This morning as I was fighting back tears and bouts of frustration, I decided it was like if everyone in the world had a different cell phone (which we do) but we all received the same manual. It goes over things like how the phone should basically work - hold it to your ear to listen and talk, press the number buttons to dial, etc - but it doesn't really take into account the uniqueness of your phone. Special features and quirks, things like that. How would we function?

And then I decided that it was time to read the Word. I realize that this God-inspired book of life does not include a baby manual, (I'm in the process of asking the Lord why He didn't think to throw that in there) but it did remind me today that I have every bit of wisdom and guidance I need because I have direct access to Him, my all-knowing God. He knows exactly what my sweet Hope needs, today and everyday. I just need to tap into Him even more to receive that instruction. I suppose this is where the motherly instinct comes in to play, after all, He is the one that has graced us with it.

So I will continue to look to the books I have read for tips and strategies, but I cannot forget to first stop and allow the Holy Spirit to tell me what to do when things just don't add up. Dave keeps reminding me it's a process. I guess I just want it to be perfect as soon as possible so I can have some order back in my life. I know that sounds selfish. I'm learning to get over myself.

Here's another new pic of Hope. Isn't she sweet. She's sleeping. Oh sweet peace!

Life With Hope

2008-05-20T08:23:00.005-06:00

We're going on day six with our little Hope. I can't even describe the reality of having her here with us. . .both the wonderful and the wonderfully hard things about it. Nights one and two at home were pretty rough. I don't think I had any unrealistic expectations about how it would be, but the reality is just so shocking. We're figuring out her needs and her personality and asking the Lord for great grace and wisdom as we do. We have so many wonderful people around us to help us although at the end of the day, Hope is a unique human being and we need to tune in to her specific needs. That's where the grace comes in.

I think the most wonderful thing about being on the other side of this is seeing my sweet husband with our little girl. I never imagined just how sweet he would be. He is settling into fatherhood so peacefully and joyfully. I can tell he loves her so much. He never ceases to spring into action when needed (even in the middle of the night, the night before he had to return to work yesterday). I've been a bit emotional so I've had a few little breakdowns. It just doesn't scare him. He's been right there, every time, ready to love and support us both.

Here are a few pics of daddy with his little girl. Isn't he sweet?

Although it's all still a little surreal, we are beginning to feel like a family. As much as I longed for this blessing to arrive, I never knew how amazing it would be. I'm sure it will only keep getting better.

Caroline Hope Wolstenholm Is Here!

2008-05-15T07:08:00.006-06:00

It seems a little surreal to sit here in the hospital and type this entry. I guess you could say I'm officially on the other side of infertility now. The realization of our hope has come to fruition.

This morning we joyfully announce the arrival of our little girl, Caroline Hope Wolstenholm.

Baby Hope arrived Wednesday, May 14th at 8:05 pm, weighing 6 lbs 11 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long.

We are all doing very well, basking in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.

Here are a few pictures from our day. It was rough (to say the least) but of course, worth every second.

I will post more later.

A Change of Plans. . .

2008-05-13T07:35:00.004-06:00

I can't believe I haven't written about all this yet. It's just been such a whirlwind this past week. About a week ago I started having some really serious pain. I actually thought I might be in labor. Silly me doesn't know what labor feels like. I went to the doctor and she suspected that I had a kidney stone. I was admitted to the hospital and long story short, I do in fact have a kidney stone! It was very painful and of course there isn't much they can do for me while I am pregnant. I did have a procedure where they inserted a stint to keep it from getting stuck (I guess). I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it is.

The good news is. . . all of this drama is allowing for our sweet baby girl to be born a bit earlier. Actually, tomorrow! This is not at all how I envisioned it happening and it's a bit sooner than expected, but how can I complain that I will get to hold her and look at her a few weeks earlier than I thought I would? Dave and I really have a peace about it. Of course I am glad that an early delivery will bring some relief to my discomfort, but I really haven't even been thinking about that so much as I have been thinking about the opportunity to finally see Hope!

We ask for your prayers as we go in tomorrow at 6 am. I'm 37 and 1/2 weeks so there should be no complications, but we are still declaring and believing that Hope will be perfectly formed and ready to face the world. We also ask that you would pray that my delivery goes smoothly. I have no idea how this kidney stone will affect how I feel during delivery, but thank God for the drugs! Now I know for sure that I am supposed to allow myself relief during the labor and delivery. We also have a great peace about that.

We'll post a report and pictures as we are able this week. I can hardly believe this journey is coming to a close in the next few days. Sure, it will extend beyond this as we get settled into life with Caroline Hope, but this week there is fulfillment - over 2 years in the making. It's amazing to think about how He's carried us through. He is so good and so faithful.

So here we go. . .

Hope's Nursery

2008-05-05T08:37:00.003-06:00

Here are a few pics of the nursery. It's still a work in progress but we've gotten it pretty ready for her soon coming arrival. Hope you like it!

Another Celebration for Hope

2008-05-03T15:59:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was my work shower. It was so sweet. Everyone did a great job making it very beautiful and special. I feel so loved and cared for during this season. It's such an amazing testimony of God's faithfulness. Here are some pics from the delightful occasion. I will say . . . Renee did a great job making it look elegant, but when you consider the people that were in the room (most of which I don't have pictures of), it made for a less sophisticated, but really fun event!

Remembering Baby George

2008-04-30T16:24:00.003-06:00

I was going to do a post today with an update on Hope. I would have told you that things are progressing along nicely and that I'm even 1 cm dilated already as of my appointment last Friday. Then I would have expressed how relieved I am that my body is getting ready to have this baby so that I won't start from zero when I go in to be induced on May 23rd. Well, there you have it. I guess I just gave you the update. And that will have to do because my triumph just doesn't seem too important at the moment.

It's seems odd to use the word "remembering" when I am talking about someone I've never met. I've never even met his parents or any family member closely associated with them. But the burden that I've carried for the past few weeks makes me feel like I know them and although I could never imagine to understand the depth of their pain, as I consider what they've been through I am full of deep, deep agony over what they must be experiencing.

Baby George went to be with Jesus this morning and I can't stop asking God, "why?" I keep chanting over and over, "I don't understand You Lord, but I trust You." I'm not sure my heart fully believes that today. Maybe tomorrow. And although I don't want to make their tragedy about me at all, I can't stop wondering why I would deserve my miracle and they not deserve theirs. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I realize that I've not yet held Caroline Hope in my arms and I'm trying not to allow fear to rise up within me due to that fact - but if I am to hope for her safe arrival then how can I not ask this question? How can I not wonder why He chooses some miracles to come to fulfillment and some to come just close enough to the brink to make you go mad?

I suppose what I love most about the Lord is that He allows us to go through these rants and raves of questioning when in the midst of loss. Gosh, if I'm going through this now, I can't imagine what Baby George's parents must be feeling. From what I understand, they are a God-loving couple who has trusted Him thus far. I don't think they would stop now. But I beg for your continued prayers to cover this sweet couple as they grieve their loss and as they process their own set of questions. I pray they come out on the other side able to give glory to God for His goodness despite their inability to comprehend it.

For me, this is just another reminder that Hope's life is not in my hands. I think I said this before regarding the baby girl that we lost - the destiny of this child was ordained far before she was conceived or even thought of being conceived. No matter how much I want to control things, I can't really compete with that.

Prayer for Baby George

2008-04-21T08:57:00.006-06:00

It's been quite a heavy week. As we rapidly approach the arrival of our little blessing, I feel we are being reminded constantly of the sovereignty of the Lord and what a precious gift life is.

Today I ask that you would join me in praying for baby George. He was born on Friday after some serious complications with no heartbeat. They were able to resuscitate him and get him to another hospital where he could receive critical care, but it seems it will take a miracle for this little boy to live. I think what is hurting my heart the most is that it was nothing short of a miracle that he was conceived at all. Doctors told his parents that they would never have a baby unless God intervened. He did and baby George was conceived about 9 months ago.

This weekend my heart has been very heavy for baby George and his parents. So much so that I found myself going to bed on Saturday and waking up on Sunday begging the Lord for his life. As I sat in worship on Sunday morning, I offered my praise mixed in with a little bit of "please God, must you require this tragedy for Your glory?" I suppose sitting there and singing about His glory made me hope it was possible for Him to receive it without taking this life.

I don't know George's parents but from what I understand, they will likely allow their story to bring glory to Him whether baby George gets the chance to live on this earth or not. I cannot begin to understand His ways and I know I must yield to His perfect will and trust that He knows what is best. . . but for some reason I cannot stop begging, I cannot stop contending for this little life. I ask you to join with me this week in believing for completely restored health for this baby boy. Pray that his parents would be at peace (however absurd it sounds to have peace during a time like this) and would rest in knowing that He is good and He is faithful.

Prayer for Heidi

2008-04-18T07:32:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure why there are streams of tears running down my face this morning. This is not the first time I've heard or read a story about infertility and miscarriage. Perhaps it's the hormones. Everything does seem to be heightened right now.

This morning I am asking you to pray for Heidi. Heidi is the cousin of a dear friend of mine, a girl I have never met. She's experienced multiple miscarriages over the past few years. This past month she became pregnant again but after going in for routine blood work and an early ultrasound, the doctor told her this week that she would miscarry again. They wanted to schedule a D&C that day. Heidi just wasn't ready to let this one go. She was a bit confused by some conflicting reports she received so she asked the doctor to wait one day and check her levels again. Praise the Lord for Holy Spirit wisdom because when Heidi returned the next day, her HCG levels were through the roof. The doctor was stunned and decided to do an ultrasound that afternoon. Lo and behold, there it was. A heartbeat! I am sitting hear weeping even as I write this. I suppose it's because I am so excited that there is life in her womb and I am oh so thankful that this sweet woman had the wisdom to take a step back and listen to the leading of the Lord. The way I see it, she saved the life of her unborn child. What a testimony of His faithfulness.

Now I completely trust medical professionals but I also know they are human people who can sometimes make mistakes. I also know (from lots of experience) that just because the textbooks say pregnancy is supposed to go a certain way, doesn't mean that it will. This was such a reminder to me that we need to be constantly connected to the Holy Spirit to receive wisdom along our journey, no matter what it is we encounter. I am so thankful that the Lord provided me with a doctor who also receives this wisdom from Him. What a gift.

I ask you to pray for Heidi and her husband and their baby. They still have a long way to go on this journey. But I am believing that this life that was saved in her womb will grow to full term and be born healthy and to His glory.

The Babymoon

2008-04-16T14:55:00.004-06:00

Well that's what all the books and websites call it. Not sure it has all the same anticipation and emotion as a honeymoon, but it was fun and relaxing nonetheless. Dave and I headed to Atlanta this past weekend to grab one last little getaway before Hope arrives. We had a wonderful time exploring, relaxing, shopping. . .No real agenda, except to visit IKEA and the Rachel Ashwell Shabby Chic store (more on that later).

We had a few sweet moments of sharing about our thoughts on the upcoming arrival of our first child. You know men, it's hard enough to get them to share, let alone when life is about to change dramatically, forever. But Dave opened up a bit about his excitement and fears. I was so glad he did. We laughed a lot in the car because neither of us really knew where we were going most of the time. Dave has a very keen sense of direction but downtown Atlanta is pretty new to both of us. Although we found ourselves lost several times, we laughed because just when we knew we were lost, we stumbled upon the next place we wanted to go. . . without even trying.

Most of all, the weekend made me realize just what a great team we are. Sure, we have our moments. Neither one of us is perfect (I'm sure that's a news flash to all of you). But we have so much fun traveling together because we enjoy similar adventures (I use that word lightly) and activities. Now Dave will never want to shop quite as much as I will on a trip, but that's what makes Atlanta a great destination for us. If you bring IKEA and finding a good deal into the picture, we are both completely in our element.

Now back to the Shabby Chic store. . . how can something so old looking be so expensive? I'm not really sure. I will tell you this - I could have set up house right there in that small space and been happy as a lark the rest of my life. I just love, love, love everything they have in there (except the sea shells-apparently they are really in this season and I'm not sure why). It was great to find ideas and see how they had everything laid out but I won't be making a purchase any time soon. Paying $600 for a duvet cover is just not in my future so I suppose I'll have to get creative.

Hope's Baby Shower!

2008-04-07T12:05:00.003-06:00

This past Saturday was Hope's baby shower. I can not begin to tell you how blessed I was by the amazing job my mom and friends did planning such a sweet event! And by all the people who came to bless us. I am overwhelmed at how good the Lord is. He is so faithful to provide everything we need and also wonderful friends and family to share it all with us.

Here are a few pictures. Didn't they do a wonderful job?!

Baby Hope Update

2008-04-01T13:01:00.003-06:00

I know it's sad that it takes me 4 days to post an update from my last appointment. We've been rushing to get the nursery ready this weekend so I was up to my eyeballs in paint and what not. Rushing, not so much because it needs to be done for the baby - I do have 8 weeks left. . . rushing more so because it needs to be done for mommy. Partly because I am excited (isn't that normal?) but mostly because the pile of cardboard and styrofoam from the furniture covering the upstairs floor is driving me nuts. I can't stand to look at it another day! So tonight I will return home to a freshly painted room and will watch my husband put together the crib and load in the dresser so that I can clean up the mess that is stressing me out. I'll post some pictures of the room once we get it a little further along.

We received a great report on Friday. We did another ultrasound to check her growth. Everything looks wonderful. She weighs approximately 4.1 lbs. I am extremely happy to have a healthy baby however I must admit, when I do the math according to everything I've heard about how fast they grow in the last 8 weeks, I'm a little nervous that I'm going to have a huge baby on my hands! Wolstenholm babies are known to be on the big side so I'm not completely surprised. That coupled with the diabetes pretty much means I'm out of luck with the thought of having a tiny, little girl. On the other hand, I have heard that their growth can slow down a bit. But I feel weird praying for that.

Seriously though, as long as she's healthy I am happy. Although I just might be begging my doctor for a c-section in a couple of weeks. I guess we'll see.

Bottles of Fun!

2008-03-25T08:27:00.004-06:00

As if it weren't hard enough standing in front of the walls of options at Babies R Us, I have recently determined that I should make my decisions even more complicated by researching the effects of chemicals and plastics on our chromosomal and hormonal systems. I know it sounds crazy, but having been on the receiving end of a chromosomal abnormality with my second miscarriage, I thought I should at least look into it.

Now, I will admit - I'm not 100% sure I believe that this is such a huge issue that it warrants every mother on earth opting for the expensive, chemical free bottles. Plenty of babies drink out of regular plastics and live wonderful, healthy lives. But I'm sure you can understand my tendency to look into it since I have experienced some form of effect in my body and in that of one of my babies.

For those of you that are not familiar with this research, it basically states that many plastics we encounter every day (baby bottles, water bottles, etc) have a chemical in them called BPA (I'll spare you the full spelling and stick with the abbreviated version). When heated or left in the heat (for instance, water bottles left in a hot car), this chemical seeps into the liquid in those bottles and when we drink that liquid, seeps into our bodies causing all kinds of hormonal and chromosomal havoc. Again, I'm not sure how much I really think this is the direct cause of what I experienced or really will make a huge difference, but if I can take precautions to help my baby live a healthier life, then why shouldn't I?

Here's a link to a helpful site that lists BPA free baby bottles. They just introduced this handy wallet reference card with the names of the companies they recommend. Now don't think I'm that over the top. I'm not carrying it around with me or anything. Although I did take it with me to Babies R Us when I registered!

http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2008/02/z-report-on-bpa-in-infant-care-products.html

I know I will not be able to shelter Hope from every harmful chemical in her food or her environment. But I might as well take the measures I can when I am aware of them. This is probably a much bigger deal if you are planning to bottle feed. Obviously the more the baby gets a bottle, the better it is for it to be chemical free. After meeting with my first pediatrician on Friday and hearing her say, "Oh, I'm sorry to say this but you're not going to be able to breast feed after your surgery," I suppose I'm gearing myself up for that and thus am thankful that I've been made aware of this information.

Knowledge is power, right? So enjoy!!

New Template

2008-03-20T13:43:00.002-06:00

So I'm sure you can see by now that I have a new blog template. I saw this website on my friend's new blog and had to check out what they offered. Can you believe they had one that said, "Hope Springs Eternal." ???? It's a little bright, but I love it. Enjoy!!

Sweet Anderson

2008-03-20T11:51:00.005-06:00

This past weekend I had the privilege of spending 3 nights with my friend Amber in Kansas. Remember Amber? I wrote about her a few months back. She was about to have a baby boy. Well since then, she has had that sweet little boy (Anderson). . . and I won't go into the details of her super easy birth. You all might get jealous. I know I am!

It was so amazing to spend that much time in a home with a newborn. I felt like I got a crash course! Amber is doing such a wonderful job. She carries herself through life with this new little one (not to mention being a CPA during tax season when the world doesn't stop even for an infant) with such ease. She really is a natural and I am so proud of her. I learned so much from observing and trying my best to help out every now and then. I changed a few diapers but got completely stuck when trying to change Anderson's clothes. I'm not sure why, but this is one of the things I'm just scared to do. I think I'm afraid I'll break them as I wiggle them out of their onesies. Amber assured me that they are much less fragile than we think and then proceeded to show we what to do like it was no big thing. I think it might still take me a while. Perhaps I'll have Dave change Hope's clothes every day!

Anderson is so cute. I could just stare at him all day. I'll post a picture as soon as I get them downloaded.

Another week behind me, so much learned and so much more to learn. I feel like a sponge, trying to take in every thing possible in the next few months. Yet I know the learning will be never ending.

May 23rd!

2008-03-14T21:39:00.003-06:00

This week, Dave and I scheduled my induction for May 23rd! It's hard to believe there's a date in sight for our pre-baby journey to come to a close. Perhaps it will be a little anti-climactic, but we felt that with all of the possible complications that gestational diabetes has to offer, we should play it safe and have Hope a little early. Of course I don't mind at all. I absolutely cannot wait to hold her. I got over my fear of induction and my fantasies of having an uneventful, natural birth and I just determined that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this experience healthy and peaceful for me and for Dave and for her. I realize she could come earlier if she decides to and that I would welcome. We plan to have everything done by May 1 just so we can enjoy our last few weeks of freedom and be completely ready and peaceful for her arrival.

But let me tell you, the list of things to do is growing and becoming more and more overwhelming. I'm not sure why women feel the need to have everything in perfect order before they welcome a new life into their home . . . like somehow we have to achieve complete financial success, domestic order and world peace before we can give our attention fully to a newborn. I just keep thinking Oh gosh, we need to get on a strict budget. I need to transfer our finances into Quicken. I need every piece of paper in my home office to be filed tightly. My kitchen cabinets are kinda messy, I should reorganize those before the baby comes. Goodness, there is no way I can do it all in the next 2 months! I need to find a stinkin' pediatrician first!

So here I sit, to do list in hand, with 70 days left until my life changes forever. And I'm pretty sure that as soon as I take one look at her sweet face, I'll forget all about these silly, little chores. They will get done, eventually. But I'll only welcome my baby girl into this world once. And from then on, she'll be number one on my list.

The Curtains From You Know Where

2008-03-04T16:38:00.004-06:00

So you know that "to do" list you make while you are pregnant. . .complete with all the things you'd like to accomplish before the little one arrives? Well I have one of those lists. It contains lots of baby-related entries like "paint the nursery" and "interview pediatricians." But it also contains lots of house projects that we've been putting off since we moved in over a year ago. "Seal the deck" is one that I'm begging my husband to do (or hire someone to do) in the next month. Poor thing is just waiting for the weather to become more predictable. "Iron the curtains" is one that has been a thorn in my side for months!

Not long after we moved in, I bought the greatest (or so I thought) blue/green velvet curtains from West Elm. I had my eye on them for months and when I finally went to purchase them (after convincing my husband we HAD to have them) they were on clearance! They were an amazing find!! When I went to put them up, I got out the ironing board and iron and I spent over two hours ironing just two of the six panels I had to hang. My arms were killing me from pressing the iron so hard on those suckers and yet once I got those two lonely panels up, they were no less wrinkled then when I removed them from the package. I convinced myself to just hang the rest up and let time and gravity work the wrinkles out. That was about 11 months ago and gravity has not done its work. So that brings us to "iron the curtains" making its way on the pre-baby to do list.

I think I've written CURTAINS in my planner on six different days over the past two months. And then that day comes and I don't iron the curtains and so I move it to another day on my planner. Well finally, yesterday my mom came over to help me get it done. Please note that whenever I say, "My mom came to help" it really means, "My mom came to do." She's such a servant and now that I'm pregnant she just wants to do everything for me. So she ironed and I worked on email for about two hours and guess what? All she accomplished was the re-ironing of the first two curtains I hung 11 months ago. Then my sweet mom went to my house today while I was at work and ironed all the rest of those blasted velvet curtains (not to mention the while sheers I have since added under them).

So mom, if you are reading this. . . thank you for being such a servant. Thank you for taking care of your baby girl while she takes care of her baby girl! I just pray that I will have the grace to be as loving and nurturing and caring to my little girl as you have always been to me. I love you!

Consignment Mania!

2008-02-25T15:54:00.005-06:00

Goodness. I had no idea I hadn't written in almost 2 weeks! Life has gotten a little crazy this month. And there's still so much to do before the baby comes. Yikes! I'm sure all of us moms-to-be feel the pressure hang over us as we approach our due dates. I'm just trying to take it one thing at a time. And did my mention that my mom lives across the street now? She is a total blessing to me. I don't know how I would make it through this transition without her.

So I went to my first Kids Consignment Sale on Saturday. It was a HUGE one. My sister-in-law took me. It was actually, really fun. A little overwhelming with all of that stuff to pick through. But I ended up finding a few great items. A couple of things from my registry that were in great condition and 1/2 the price! I gotta tell you though. . . there were some serious, "consignment moms" there! These women are second-hand pros! They had their systems down pat, complete with shopping buddies, shopping carts and blankets to spread out on the floor right in the middle of the sale and go over their finds before making their final purchases. It was intense! I could see how someone could get sucked in. Although I don't really like the idea of getting there early and beating the other women to the best deals. I can't take the pressure! I'm sure I'll go again sometime. The most fun part is that you never know what you are going to find. If you keep your expectations low, you'll be so excited to find whatever you do!

Oh, I almost forgot. . . I didn't really share much after our last doctor appointment. One issue that came up was an umbilical hernia that I have. Just a silly, little hernia that is behind my belly button. But now that my belly is getting big, it's also growing. This morning I went in to see a surgeon. He was to tell me if I would need surgery before I had the baby. I wasn't very worried (thus my failure to even post about it) but I was so glad to hear the surgeon tell me he wasn't concerned and I could take care of it after she is born. Praise the Lord! It's one more hurdle we've had to jump over. . . but it means we're one hurdle closer to the finish line. Woo hoo!

I'm winding down my second trimester and I can't believe it's going by so fast. I can't even explain (although I'm sure all of you that are moms understand) just how much I cannot wait to finally see what she looks like and hold her. I'm savoring the quiet and the freedom we have right now. I know it will never be the same!

Our Song of Hope

2008-02-12T17:01:00.003-06:00

I know this is going to sound a little crazy, but in the past week as I've looked ahead to finally having a child, I've become a little sad that our season of sorrow will officially come to a close. I told you it was going to sound crazy. I'm not even sure if I can quite explain it.

Maybe I've held on so tightly to expectation and hope for so long that I'm afraid fulfillment will be a little disappointing or that I won't have something this big to look forward to. I think more accurately, what I am feeling is a little gap between myself and my sweet Jesus that only His blessings can create. What I mean is. . . I believe when you are walking through a valley, you are clinging so tightly to Him that your sorrow seems almost sweet. You feel tired and worn and disappointed yet completely covered by His love and His hope. I think I've mentioned this before. It really is bitter sweet. And not that I have come anywhere close to having arrived, but now I feel like my "lack of need" has placed something in between us. I know the truth is that I will always need to cling to Him for strength and direction. Yet the way I am turning towards Him now seems different and I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if that's just the way it is.

I know that if I lack anything in the way of my closeness to Him, it is no gap that pure praise and adoration won't fill when I honestly throw my hands up and thank Him for this miracle. I suppose that is the natural progression of our walk as we trust Him for things. Our praise turns to hope and then our hope turns to praise. And then somewhere down the line we need a little more hope so we go on praising. . . and so on.

It seems even more fitting now when thinking all of this through that the name we've chosen for our little girl is Caroline Hope. She will wear a banner over her life that means, "Song of Hope" because our path to giving her life was paved by our song of hope and our longing for her is that she will turn and be a sweet song of hope to everyone she encounters on her own journey of life.

Wacky Dreams!

2008-02-05T15:04:00.003-06:00

So I'm known to have really wacky dreams. Just ask my husband. He's ready with hearty laughs every time I wake up and say, "I had the weirdest dream last night." He's never surprised, no matter how crazy it is.

Last night I had two separate dreams about the baby. They weren't completely wacky, just really random. It makes me wonder if this is a result of raging pregnancy hormones or subtle, subconscious concerns about having a child. I'll let you be the judge.

In the first dream, the baby was coming. . .but it was being delivered to us. I am not kidding. In a box, sent to the front door and everything. Apparently, the baby needed some special procedure done to it so they prepared it to be shipped (complete with some sort of adjustment that allowed it to survive in a box, in the mail) and sent it to our home. OK, so maybe the dreams were a little more wacky now that I'm typing this. So the baby arrived and we opened the box in great anticipation of seeing our little girl. . .and in the box was a sweet, little, baby boy! We were a little taken off guard but we quickly adjusted to the idea. We were just so excited to finally have our little one! We dressed him and walked across the street to my parents to unveil our surprising, new bundle of joy. Nobody seemed to care that is was a boy and not a girl.

And then, of course, I got up to visit the loo, right on schedule at 2am. When I fell back asleep, I had another dream. This time we had a little girl. She was an infant but was acting like an older girl (probably 6 or 7 years old) complete with an attitude and all! It was obvious that she didn't like us. She was distant and didn't really take to us. Keep in mind, she was about the size of a 9 month old but was acting like a snotty 6 year old. It was the oddest feeling. I felt so rejected and unsettled that my baby girl didn't want me.

As I sit here typing, I'm analyzing a bit. I'm sure the first dream had something to do with the fact that my friend Sarah was going in today to possibly find out what she is having. They are hoping for a boy. So I had boys on the brain. I'm not completely sure what the mail delivery was all about. . .except the fact that Dave and I have ordered a lot of things online lately so it seems we are always waiting for a package on our front door step. Isn't it funny how our minds mash every little thing together through our dreams?

And I'm sure my second dream had a bit to do with my apprehension of becoming a mom. Not that I am afraid of motherhood - I'm really quite excited. The dynamics are just so unknown. I won't know what my relationship will be like with my daughter until I am in it. Although I can assure you that Dave and I will be nipping the attitude in the bud!

I'm sure I can expect many more wacky dreams before she arrives. I can't really blame the pregnancy hormones since I've always had crazy dreams. But I can say pregnancy seems to be making the dreams more vivid. At least I can look forward to giving Dave a nice laugh every other morning! And someday, I'll have a lot of fun telling her all the visions mommy had while she was in my tummy.

Another Pic

2008-01-30T16:05:00.002-06:00

Got another picture of her the other day. Just got it scanned in. Isn't she getting big?

I'm a little concerned about her profile. I told Dave she looks like a Fraggle. Remember them? I always thought I looked like a Fraggle with my profile. Oh well, I suppose she looks like me then.

I'm pretty sure Dave and I will both think she's perfect once we see her.

Loud Speaker Lullabies

2008-01-28T12:21:00.002-06:00

The appointment went well on Friday. So sorry I didn't post sooner. I didn't get online all weekend. It was pretty busy.

Thursday night we had another childbirth education class at the hospital. We watched the epidural video and let me just tell you. . .that video was scarier than the natural birth video! I think it almost talked me out of getting the drugs!

As we were sitting in class on Thursday night, all of a sudden, over the loud speaker you could hear the song "lullaby" playing. We all stopped and wondered what it was when our instructor said, "Oh, a baby has just been born." It hadn't happened yet while we were in class. I didn't even know the hospital did this, but apparently every time a baby is born, they play that little song for the whole hospital to hear. A few minutes later, it happened again. Busy night.

It wasn't until that very moment that I remembered that Thursday, January 24th was my due date with our last baby. I was sad for just a moment and I turned to Dave and said, "Oh, wow. I didn't remember until just now, this was my due date." He didn't remember either. I didn't stay sad, however it was weird to think I could have had a baby this week. Although I would have loved to know that little girl, it's hard to be sad when you've come to terms with the soveriegnty of God and when you are in the midst of a miracle that He is completing.

I suppose I felt the reality of redemption as I sat there and thought about it briefly. He chose to take our first little girl to heaven, and although this is something we may never fully understand, in His great mercy and grace, He chose to bless us with another little girl that we declare we will get to know and love on this earth.

I'm in the midst of that part of the season where 4 months to go seems so long yet perhaps not long enough to fully prepare for this life change. There's so much to do and get ready for both physically and mentally. But part of me just can't wait to have her here, with us.

Right now I am praying for patience and peace and wisdom and grace as I wait for that miracle moment when our baby's life will bring loud-speaker lullabies.

That Little Flutter

2008-01-24T11:13:00.001-06:00

I haven't written that much in a while. It's been a little crazy. We're just busy, busy. I know I need to slow down a bit but things just keep coming up. My mother is reading this right now and she'll probably call me later to say, "You need to slow down. You need to be home, resting." I know mom, I know. I'll get there!

We have another appointment tomorrow. This ultrasound will hopefully allow us to see those things we couldn't see last time. Let's just pray our little girl is cooperative this time! She's been moving around so much lately, it's no wonder she often finds herself in a cockeyed position.

It is an odd feeling . . . feeling her move so much, knowing there is a little person getting bigger and bigger inside of me. I think it's one of my favorite things about being pregnant. There are so many things I don't like. I don't mean to complain, after all, I wanted this so badly for so long. But it's been hard. My body just feels worn and achy all the time. And then when I feel her little flutter, it makes it all worth it. I'm pretty sure I'll forget all the discomforts once she's here and I get to hold her close.

We continue to believe for perfect growth and development. I'll let you know how it goes.

My Friend Amber

2008-01-17T09:32:00.002-06:00

This past weekend, my longtime friend, Amber came to visit. She is going to have her first child, a little boy, in about 7 weeks.

Amber and I went to college together, lived together, went through heartbreaks together and have eaten a lot of popcorn and M&Ms together! She is one of those friends that you know you'll have for life. . .and you always feel better being around her.

Dave and I asked Amber how she was feeling, knowing that her little boy was coming in the next 2 months. I wasn't surprised by her honesty, when she began to share that her biggest concern was that it would be too hard to adjust to having another person to take care of. She explained that she's enjoyed life with her husband. . .just the two of them. Although it would be wonderful, she is afaid that she'll be too selfish.

As I thought through what she was sharing, I thought to myself Wow, I've been so consumed with getting pregnant and staying pregnant that I haven't thought that much about having a child in my life. I suppose I figured this road has been so long and I've wanted it so badly that it would be a no brainer to give my life up for this little one. But hearing Amber share her heart really made me stop and consider if I was ready for this part of the process. I have a little bit longer to go but I want to begin preparing myself now.

I was so thankful for Amber's honesty. I'm not worried at all about her being an amazing mom. Amber is one of the most caring, nurturing, loving people I know. I have no doubt in my mind that she'll immediately fall in love with that little guy and be willing to give anything for him.

This was a good reminder for me. . .that sometimes we want things so badly that we don't think about the reality of having them. I know my heart is to devote myself to being a good mother but that doesn't mean it will be easy. But by the grace of God I know that Amber and I will be just as good of mothers as we have been friends to one another. . .not perfect, but willing to do what it takes to get better every step of the way.

A New Snapshot

2008-01-12T09:13:00.001-06:00

We were able to get a little better picture of our girl so I thought I'd go ahead and post it. It's just amazing to be able to see her so often inside my womb. . .watching her grow already. Just knowing all the intricate details that the Lord is fashioning makes it that much easier to walk in faith. How can you not believe as you watch this process?

She's Trouble. . .

2008-01-04T19:44:00.001-06:00

We had a great appointment today. Praise the Lord! It seems though, that our little girl is going to be trouble! She was completely in the wrong position, rolled up in a ball with her legs crossed. Three strikes against her in the area of cooperation.

She made it hard for the tech to see everything but at the end of the visit we received a perfect report. I'll have to return in three weeks to double check a few areas they could not get to, but all looks well.

Of course, with her legs crossed, it was hard at first to confirm that she is, in fact, a girl. I think Dave got a little nervous about that. He just wanted the confirmation before I make him paint the nursery. Once again at the very end, our tech was able to see clearly and confirm - it's a girl!

We were able to see her head quite well and even got to experience her yawning, drinking and working through a little case of the hiccups. It was so cute to see her functioning like that. I didn't really get a good picture to post. But we did get some video. Once I figure all that out, I'll try and post some here.

Thank you all for your prayers. We get more and more excited with each passing week and visit. She is becoming so real to us now. I just can't wait to know her.

Our Big Appointment

2008-01-03T10:48:00.001-06:00

So tomorrow we go in for our big ultrasound. This is the one where they would have told us if we were having a boy or a girl. . .I suppose they'll confirm that. I pray there are no surprises there. . .we received a lot of girlie things for Christmas!

I'm told they will also check her growth and organs to make sure everything looks normal. Honestly, I am battling a little fear, although I've been purposing to fight it at every chance. . .proclaiming life over this child. I've just been surrounded lately by so many people in my sphere of influence experiencing pregnancy loss and complications. But I know I cannot look at anyone else's story. This is our story. I've asked the Lord with my honest heart for a completely normal report tomorrow. I feel like we've had many complications to deal with, and that at this point, we are due for a break. I know that isn't how He works. . .and I know that no matter what the report is tomorrow we will continue to contend and believe for our little girl to be born perfect. But it doesn't hurt to lay our petition before the Lord to allow us to have great breakthrough through the knowledge of a perfect baby growing inside me.

Please pray with us. For her heart and her lungs and her kidneys. . .that all would be the right size, functioning normally. And for her brain and her head. . .that there would be no abnormal growths or cysts or water. Please pray for the placenta and amniotic fluid. . .that both would be sufficient for her well being and mine. We just pray in Jesus name that she is thriving in my womb. . .receiving everything she needs for a healthy life on this earth.

I suppose a bit of my anxiety comes from what I am having to walk with my diet. People keep asking me if I've lost weight. Ha! What a joke. You want all your life to lose weight and then when you are pregnant and needing to provide nourishment for another life, you finally start to lose the pounds. Well, I haven't actually lost any weight. Although I've only gained one pound and I'm almost 19 weeks pregnant. My doctor assures me this is fine and the baby is getting what she needs. I just need to rest in that. And hey. . .who am I to complain. I might just be skinnier after she is born then before. Wouldn't that be a hoot?!

I don't know if I could ever explain the battle that rages inside me each time the days and the hours creep by, nearing another doctor's appointment. I know this is because of the horror that has met us there before. But as each appointment comes and goes, I am growing in my faith and my trust and although there is a battle, it is more easliy won. I know that is part of the purpose of this whole journey. . .learning to walk more deeply with Him. It doesn't mean the battle will disappear, it just means we'll learn that the battle is the Lord's.

Completion?

2007-12-31T10:22:00.002-06:00

Today I am doing a lot more reflecting on the past year. Of course, isn't that what we all do? On this day last year, I remember crying a lot. We had recently had our first miscarriage. . .we were living in a temporary home, waiting for ours to be built. . .I was very overwhelmed at work. . .I just felt like I hadn't accomplished anything in 2006. Emotionally and spiritually, I felt like I was worse off at the end of the year then when it began. I remember thinking I really hope 2007 is better than this.

A few weeks later, my pastor shared with us his vision for 2007. He declared 2007 a year of completion for us. Of course, I had so many of my own ideas about what that would and should look like. It didn't really turn out like I had planned, but I am so thankful to stand here today at the end of 2007. I have joy in my heart as I look back over 2007 with no regrets. . .and I have hope as I look to 2008 for those things that have not yet been completed.

This year marked so many wonderful things. My parents moved to town (the first time I've had them close for over 12 years), Dave finally got a new job and because of that provision, I was able to cut back my hours at work. Dave and I became leaders of a small group at church and although we were a little scared at first to lead, we are loving this new family that has grown together this year. And last but not least of course, we are now 18 weeks pregnant with our little girl!

This year also marked many hard and sorrowful things. We miscarried our baby girl over the summer and then endured fertility treatment (not too extensive, but never really that fun) to conceive this child. We've walked with my parents who have had a bit of a difficult time transitioning here and my brother and his wife lost a baby to miscarriage right before Christmas.

I purpose to be joyful over the triumphs and hopeful through the tragedies. I know that although 2007 was a year of completion in many ways. . .like I said before, He just isn't finished yet. Sure, I would have loved for Him to wrap it all up nicely with a little bow in time for Christmas this year. . .but He did not. And so I continue to hope and to believe and to not lose heart.

I continue to pray for all of you. . .that you will have the same mixture of joy and hope as you move into 2008. He is working it all together for our good.

Christmas

2007-12-27T08:30:00.001-06:00

I just love Christmas. Celebrating the birth of our Saviour with all the fancy decorations and yummy food. . .reflecting on all that He did for us in sending His son, and letting it remind me of all He is capable of doing.

We had a wonderful holiday this year. Dave and I got to celebrate with both sets of parents on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (I'm so glad they get along well). But for me, it was especially special to have my parents close this holiday. They've visited here in the past for Christmas. . .but there is just something about living close and doing life and Christmas together. It really means a lot to me, especially during this season of my life.

Despite the fact that I could not fully indulge myself in the delicacies of Christmas, I still had a wonderful time and I can honestly say I didn't feel deprived at all. Now that is the grace of God!!

As I look back over the year, I am reflecting on how challenging it has been and yet I am so hopeful for the completion of things. . . for myself and my family. This year did not quite turn out like I had planned (I am not surprised), but I declare that He has done great things and that He is not finished yet!

I pray that all of you will be able to confess the same as you roll into 2008. . .it will be a year of new beginnings and unfinished business. . .if we yield to His ways, for they are much, much higher than ours.

Why Is The World Broken?

2007-12-20T13:48:00.001-06:00

I know the answer to this question. I guess I'm posing it because the world seems particularly broken to me today. My heart is heavy and many times when it is, I question things I already know.

I have several family members going through tough times right now. I want so badly to make everything ok for everyone. . . like somehow the power of what I have come to believe will magically fix things for others. But the truth is. . .as hard as it is to walk rough roads. . .we all must walk them from time to time. Some of us more often than others. I'm not sure why.

But today my heart is particularly heavy for Angela. Angela is a girl that I do not really know. We have a mutual friend who has connected us because we've both struggled with infertility. Angela became pregnant a few months ago with triplets. A seemingly bountiful blessing for someone who has longed for a child for years. Today Angela went into premature labor at about 22 weeks and because of the lack of development of those little ones, not even one of them will see life on this earth. I know they are in heaven. . .with my babies. . .and my friend's babies. Oh the army of little ones in heaven gets larger and larger, and that I just don't understand.

Why is the world broken? I said I know the answer. . .but I think my answer is to a different question. I know how the world became broken, but truly none of us knows why. We know it came in the garden, when Adam and Eve made a poor decision that opened their eyes to good and evil. But we don't really know why the Lord allowed this brokenness to come.

My only hope right now is in the power of prayer. For months I questioned the purpose and effectiveness of prayer; after experiencing my own devastating loss. As much as I don't understand the timing involved with prayer, I do know that it works. . .not as some super-voodoo way of getting what we want, when we want it, but rather as a way to expressing to our Father our desperate need for His intervention and grace.

I confess that my prayers for our little girl have become less frequent and fervent in the past few weeks. Of course I still pray for her and this pregnancy but not as fiercely as I did my first trimester. Today has taught me in many ways that it's not over till it's over. There is never a good time to sit back, take a sigh of relief and think you've arrived. We must contend until the very end. . .and by the very end I mean when the Lord returns. As long as this world is broken (and it will be until Jesus comes), our only hope is in Him and our only comfort is to cling to Him daily.

Will you pray with me today? For my family and for Angela. That the Lord will bring quick relief and comfort during these difficult times. I don't always understand His ways - but I know He is faithful. And if I can't stand on that truth, then not even the most fervent prayers will bring wholeness to this world.

It's a. . .

2007-12-15T09:56:00.001-06:00

We had a great appointment on Thursday. Heather sneaked us into the ultrasound room and asked the tech to do a quick check to see what we are having. The girl that was there on Thursday happens to be the one that did our 12 week ultrasound with the last baby, so I think she was so excited to see us back at almost 16 weeks and thus was willing to do whatever it took to get us an answer.

At first she wasn't too sure. I don't see a penis, she kept saying. (Why is it ok to say penis 15 times when talking about a little one?) But she wasn't 100% sure. Then, at the very last minute, we got such a clear look, there was no question about it.

It's a girl!!!

I chose not to post the ultrasound picture. That angle they need to take is not very lady like. . .and I don't want my sweet girl starting out her life with indecent pictures on the internet. We'll have another look in 3 weeks and I'll get a nice photo to post of her.

Dave and I are so excited to know and attach more identity to this child. Of course, I've already gone out and bought a few cute girlie outfits and I can't stop dreaming about the nursery.

The Lord is so faithful and now that we know who is growing inside of me, it makes us even more grateful to Him for this life.

Boy or Girl?

2007-12-13T08:54:00.001-06:00

I haven't written in a little while. I guess I've been so wrapped up with this diabetes thing. Intricately planning every meal and watching the clock to check your blood sugar really does consume your mind! But I'm happy to say I'm doing pretty well. I'm not eating all that much. 1800 calories per day. . .which feels like I'm on a diet. I thought you weren't supposed to diet when you were pregnant! I went to a holiday party last night and I am so proud to say I didn't have any dessert. There was toffee, cookies, brownie trifle and coconut fudge torte. And me, I had nothing! Woo hoo! That is quite an accomplishment.

This morning I am going in for my next OB appointment. It's funny how every time I go in I get the same nervous feeling. I think no matter how far along I am, I will always battle this. I'm pressing into the Lord for peace and I'm trying to believe with all my might. . .but I have to admit, I've really battled fear lately. I've learned that it's ok to be honest with these emotions, but I just can't stay there. I will continue to declare that there is strong life growing inside of me. . . that He is faithful to complete this.

My doctor is actually going to try and look to see what we are having today. She said there's a 50/50 chance she'll be able to tell. The ultrasound tech in her office was able to tell on herself when she was pregnant at 13 weeks. I'm hoping, but not too much. If not today, we'll know in about a month. I have felt for a while that it's a boy. . .but I've had 3 dreams that it's a girl. So at this point, I'm not going to try to call it either way.

So off I go. . .to another milestone moment. I know there will be many more of them to come on this journey. I will not stop contending for victory and for this child!

Christmas Without Sweets. . .

2007-12-04T14:09:00.002-06:00

Well, it seems that will be my reality. My doctor called today to say I failed my second glucose screening which means I do in fact have gestational diabetes. My first reaction was to cry. Do I really need one more thing to worry about in this pregnancy? (My sweet friend Kristy is laughing right now because she totally understands what I mean.)

But. . .I've pulled myself together and I've decided that this is a good thing. I've needed a good kick in the pants for a long time now in the area of diet and exercise. I was doing so well a few years back. . .getting into a routine, working out, eating better. Then as each month passed and our "journey to starting a family" became harder, I lost the will to fight for this part of my life.

Of course I had it in me to fight for a baby. . .but that's just about all I had in me. I remember telling my friend, "I just can't fight two battles at once." Although I think the Lord understood my exhaustion, I also think He was waiting there all along ready to give me the strength to fight it all.

My doctor told me that I probably couldn't have prevented this earlier with diet and exercise (thank God or I'd be feeling really guilty right now), so this might be exactly what I need to finish this battle and claim not only a healthy child, but a healthy mama as well.

So there you have it. I probably won't partake in many of the wonderful delicacies that my family will prepare this Christmas. Those of you that are familiar with my sweet tooth understand how disappointing this is. Yet it's funny how everything comes into view when you are getting ready to become a parent and be responsible for another life. My husband's English trifle or a healthy baby. . .trifle. . .baby. . .trifle. . .baby. I think you know which one I'd choose, any time of the year.

Second Trimester?

2007-11-27T16:26:00.001-06:00

Today I am 13 weeks! I think this marks the beginning of my second trimester. It's hard to tell though. Every book and website says something different. Oh well. I've just decided that this is my second trimester. Woo hoo!

I'm feeling pretty good. I don't have much nausea if any at all. My back still hurts but I feel like I have more energy. I'm looking forward to feeling good and starting to show!

The doctor's office called yesterday to tell me my glucose screen came back positive. This just means that there is a possibility I could have gestational diabetes. This is pretty common for women with PCOS, since we are already insulin resistant and pregnancy makes you more insulin resistant. I don't feel worried about this but it's another complication that is getting in the way of our total peace. I go in Friday morning for a 3 hour screening. So I suppose I'll know early next week if I actually have it.

We ask you all to pray that everything comes back normal. Although gestational diabetes is common and is treatable. . .I would just rather have everything be in alignment for the rest of this pregnancy. The good thing about this "scare" is that it's making me very aware of what I eat. I feel like I've done really well so far. . .but I do have that darn sweet tooth! And of course it's just perfect that I should find out about this right before the holidays! Nice!

Thanksgiving was really fun with alot of my family here. I think Dave got a little overloaded but he'll be alright. It was so sweet to have my parents in town and all gather at their place. No matter where my parents live, it just feels like home. I'm so thankful to have them close.

I pray you and yours had a wonderful holiday as well. This is such a wonderful time of year. It always makes me feel so excited and wide eyed (like a little kid). . . and this year, even more so. Celebrating Christmas really does help you believe in miracles. When I look at all that God did in sending His son to the world through a woman like Mary, I desire to be so available to Him for whatever His purpose is in what He's doing through me.

12 Weeks!

2007-11-21T14:34:00.001-06:00

Well, we made it. This morning Dave and I went in for our 12 week appointment. I kept declaring that He was doing a new thing. . .that this wouldn't look anything like the past. We were quickly able to see the baby and it was obvious they had grown. It only took seconds for me to see the heartbeat. I think my heart stopped for just a second as we searched. The baby looked strong at 12 weeks and 3 days. The baby was moving around a lot and kicking its legs up. It was so cute.

Needless to say Dave and I are relieved. We are more excited but we just said to each other that we still feel guarded. I don't think it's as much fear now as it is the reality that we can never stop fighting for this life.

Thank you for fighting with us! Another great milemarker on our journey. We have so much to be thankful for.

He Who Promised Is Faithful

2007-11-19T09:57:00.001-06:00

A few people came up to me in church yesterday to say they were so exicted that we were pregnant and they are so glad we finally "let the cat out of the bag." We actually haven't let the "cat out" yet. I think he just got away. I don't mind at all that these sweet friends have heard our news. But hearing them say it out loud, in the foyer of our church, made my heart sink into my stomach.

Don't say it so loud. I thought to myself. I'm not ready for everyone to know. What if something bad happens?

That was my initial thought. And then I thought about it all day long. Why was I so afraid? Are we not declaring, in faith that this is it? My pastor even spoke yesterday morning - in our thanksgiving service after our dear friends Kyle and Kristy shared about their miracle baby - that we are to do what Hebrews tells us in chapter 10, verse 23, "Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."

I am so glad that although we are instructed not to waiver, when we do we do not disqualify ourselves from the promise. He is faithful and He is merciful. He is a God of understanding and grace.

We'll go in Wednesday morning at 9am for our 12 week appointment. It is an understatement to say I am holding on tightly to the confession of our hope. I am believing with my whole being that this baby will be thriving inside of me. Please join with us in believing for a strong heartbeat, great growth (the baby should measure 12 weeks and 2 days) and no genetic or physical abnormalities.

So let's just go ahead and "let the cat out of the bag." I've got nothing to fear. . .for He who promised is faithful!

The Soundtrack of My Life

2007-11-15T09:18:00.001-06:00

I listen to Christian radio a lot. My husband always asks me why because our Christian radio station in Nashville is pretty crappy. They play the same songs over and over again. I don't even like most of them. But occasionally they play something I really like that encourages me. So I just keep listening.

With each of my past pregnancies, at just about the time I was going in for my second appointment (none of which have turned out well) a certain song has come on the radio. The song is Matt Redman's "Blessed Be Your Name." Now this is a song that I have always enjoyed. I believe there is so much truth to its words. However, in the past year - given its place in my journey - I have come to loathe this song.

You might wonder why. I'm sure many of you know this song well. We've sung it in church for a few years now. You'll recall the song recites the words of Job. . .the words he speaks about the Lord after his first test. "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" (Job 1:21). Perhaps you are starting to see why I have a new aversion to this tune. Each time I have heard it in the past, it has become a very true part of my process. With each baby this year, the Lord has given. . .and then the Lord has taken away. The first time I heard it (about a year ago), I sang it strong. . .believing that He was good, no matter what. The second time I heard it (this past July), my heart sunk a bit. . .but I believed He was good and this time He wasn't going to take away.

This morning that lovely song came on once again. . .just 6 days before my 12 week appointment. I sat there for a second and wanted to throw up. I turned the radio station as quickly as possible and I shouted, "NO! I will not listen to that song this time." I know this is horrible because I know this song does hold truth. The Lord does give and He does take away. Our lives have proven that time and time again. And my heart has and it will continue to choose to bless His name, no matter what. But I just couldn't sit there and declare that He gives and takes away and that I'm ok with that this time. I'm having to really declare that this is a new day and this is a new thing He is doing.

And so therefore, Matt Redman, I'm going to have to remove your song (however true and lovely it is) from the soundtrack of my life during this season. I'm holding onto that Debby Boone song I talked about a few weeks back. . .The Time Is Now!

A Little Scare. . .

2007-11-08T10:01:00.001-06:00

Well we had a little scare this week. I've been waking up a lot in the middle of the night with horrible back pain. It's moved a bit into my abdomen so I've been concerned the past few nights. Then it began lasting all day long. I spent most of last night awake, laying there, begging the Lord to please not do this to me again. I'm a bit ashamed of my emotional state, but I know He understands that as we contend for things we've lost in the past or have waited a long time for, we can easily get weary and be tempted to give up.

I went in this morning to see Heather. I prayed and prayed and worshiped the Lord the whole way there. By the time I arrived I was a lot more at peace. She did an exam and an ultrasound and everything looks fine. The baby looked strong at 10 weeks and 2 days with a very strong heartbeat. It was even jumping around and waving at us! So cute! They think perhaps I just have a little infection so we'll see about that.

I am just so relieved that the little one is thriving. I kept racking my brain thinking, What are you doing wrong? Why can't your body hold a pregnancy? I was beating myself up with guilt that I was failing. I know I just have to rest in the fact that every woman's body responds differently to pregnancy and that the Lord is holding this little one together with His hands. He has promised us a child. . .and I believe this child. I was so tempted to believe the promise wasn't real. . .that it was all some cruel joke, toying with my emotions and making me crazy. It's amazing what Satan will try to make you believe when you are scared and weary. What a liar!

We've got two weeks to go in the first trimester. I am very tired and weary but we have no choice but to continue fighting. . .to see this through. We'll go in the day before Thanksgiving for our 12 weeks ultrasound. Thanksgiving Day will be a huge breakthrough as I'll be more than 12 weeks then. I don't find it surprising at all that the Lord chose that week for us to pass this milemarker. Like I've said before, He spoke to me early on that this child will be formed from praise. He's always been so good and faithful, but this Thanksgiving, we'll have even more to celebrate.

10 Weeks!

2007-11-06T10:25:00.001-06:00

Well we've made it past the 10 week mark. I have to be honest and tell you that I haven't felt the greatest lately. I've experienced some really light cramping which has made me a little uneasy, but I keep confessing life over me and this baby. The funny thing about First Trimester pregnancy is that there are so many symptoms that are normal. . .but could also mean something is wrong. My husband and I laugh about it all the time. I'll say, "Gosh, my back is really killing me." And he'll say, "What does that mean?" To which I respond, "Well the books say it's normal. . .but it could also mean you are about to have a miscarriage." It's a cruel joke that we've just decided to laugh about. Not to mention that I've just stopped reading those books.

I attended a women's conference at my church this weekend and the speaker talked about having spiritual eye guards. Little blinders that stick to either side of your head, keeping out the peripheral distractions that Satan loves to throw at us all the time. I've experienced so many potential distractions in the past week. It's pretty tiring to continue to contend against them all. . .but we have no other choice but to fight.

This Friday I will go in for another ultrasound. I am so excited that I get to visit my doctor Heather this time. I feel like I'm coming home. It is a huge step of faith. . .going in this Friday, as it is my 31st birthday that day. I was hesitant to schedule the appointment for that day, but then I figured what better way to walk in complete faith then to position myself to have to trust Him so desperately for this next milemarker.

We could never thank you all enough for standing with us. As I feel our faith rise to the next level, I feel the faith of our friends and family rise as well. I pray that as you've joined us on this journey, your faith has risen to new heights so that when the Lord requires for you to trust Him more deeply, complete faith will be the only response you have in you.

Sweet Victory!

2007-10-30T10:22:00.000-06:00

Praise The Lord! All is well with our little one. We had such a great experience this morning. The tech immediately showed us our "big" baby. I think even she was surprised to see how big it had grown. It measured 9 weeks and 1 day today. This is pretty remarkable. When we went in exactly 2 weeks ago, it measured 6 weeks and 5 days. . .a few days shy of where I thought it would be. Everyone assured me that some variation was normal, but I was still a little disappointed. One of the things I prayed as I prayed for strong life this week was that the growth would be strong. . .I said to the Lord, "that it would even measure more than 9 weeks today." I don't even know why I prayed that. But the Lord blessed us with strong growth. And a strong heartbeat at 179! We even got to see its little hands wave a little. I think it was saying hi to mom and dad.

My dear friend Gwen called during the ultrasound and so I said, "Oh, someone is calling to make sure everything is ok." The tech must have assumed it was my mom. She said, "Call your mom back and let's let her hear the heartbeat." So I called my mom and put the phone up to the speaker and she got to hear a baby's heartbeat. . .her grandchild's heartbeat for the first time! She cried and the tech cried. I even saw some tears in Dave's eyes. It was so sweet!

Dave and I are so very relieved and excited. God is so faithful. Another huge milemarker behind us! The best part is, I get to go back to my doctor Heather now. I've missed being under her care. We have a few more weeks to go before the end of the first trimester, but I am so encouraged and my faith is so renewed. I just know we're going to make it!