For Growth and Glory

Today marks one month since our awful visit to the doctor when we found out our little girl had gone to be with Jesus. It's amazing how time almost stands still when you are counting the days until your 12 week appointment, yet it flies when you are rushing the whirlwind of a tragedy.

I got a haircut yesterday. Chopped it off. I just felt like I needed to do something fun for myself. I'd also love to have a day at the spa. . .oh wait, I'm doing that this Saturday. Yipppeeee!

The month of August will likely be a bit challenging for me. Lots of waiting. Lots of time to process and think through what has happened and what is to come. The other night, I was lying in bed trying to turn off my mind and I just couldn't do it. Very close to me on the nightstand sat a very tempting bottle of percocet. I have to tell you, it's been hard to not just let myself get hooked on those suckers. They relax me so much. When I think back to taking them right after the D&C, I have almost comforting thoughts of laying there so still and so relaxed and falling asleep. OK, I totally sound like an addict. But seriously, isn't there something less addicting that I could take that would have the same affect? Hmmm??? Wine! I keep joking with Dave that it's either the percocet or wine. I think either would be dangerous for me. So last night I laid there on my back very, very still and void of any alcohol or narcotics until I got sleepy and drifted off. Hey - it sorta worked. I think I'm safest to try that for now.

One of the things I've thought about most this past month is how much I'd rather not be going through this process. Oh, I know the process will produce much growth and I know it's for His glory but couldn't He have chosen someone else? When this fleshly complaint plagues my mind, I try to combat it with thoughts of all the amazing people in the Bible who probably would rather have not been chosen to do what they were chosen to do.

I'm pretty sure Moses would rather have not wandered the desert for 40 years.
I'm pretty sure Noah would rather not have built that ark.
I'm pretty sure David would rather not have gone to war against Goliath.
I'm pretty sure Jonah would rather not have been inside the belly of a whale.
I'm pretty sure Mary would rather not have become pregnant as a teenage virgin.
And I'm pretty sure Jesus would rather not have endured the cross.
(Read Matthew 26 for His very honest conversation with the Father.)

The list goes on and on. And as I go over the list in my head, I am reminded that this is nothing. Sure, it's tough. It actually sucks to be honest with you. But it's nothing compared to the pain, the loss, the waiting and the hurting that those who have gone before have endured. I mean, this is just the tip of the iceburg of the biblical list of persevering believers. What about people like Corrie Ten Boom or Watchman Nee? Suddenly, I feel like such a weak woman for even considering to lament over my pain.

I asked my husband one night, "I wonder what hurts most. Not being able to conceive or conceiving and losing 2 babies?" He replied, "I suppose whatever is happening to you is what hurts the most." I do not want to belittle my pain or anyone else's pain. What we feel is very valid and very real. We have to be honest with ourselves and with the Lord about our struggle. But we also have to keep things in perspective. It's so easy to get so focused on your pain that you miss the big picture.

Each one of these giants of the faith had a choice and each one of us that is walking a difficult road have a choice. We can choose to retreat or to follow through for our growth and for His Glory.