I know this is going to sound a little crazy, but in the past week as I've looked ahead to finally having a child, I've become a little sad that our season of sorrow will officially come to a close. I told you it was going to sound crazy. I'm not even sure if I can quite explain it.
Maybe I've held on so tightly to expectation and hope for so long that I'm afraid fulfillment will be a little disappointing or that I won't have something this big to look forward to. I think more accurately, what I am feeling is a little gap between myself and my sweet Jesus that only His blessings can create. What I mean is. . . I believe when you are walking through a valley, you are clinging so tightly to Him that your sorrow seems almost sweet. You feel tired and worn and disappointed yet completely covered by His love and His hope. I think I've mentioned this before. It really is bitter sweet. And not that I have come anywhere close to having arrived, but now I feel like my "lack of need" has placed something in between us. I know the truth is that I will always need to cling to Him for strength and direction. Yet the way I am turning towards Him now seems different and I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if that's just the way it is.
I know that if I lack anything in the way of my closeness to Him, it is no gap that pure praise and adoration won't fill when I honestly throw my hands up and thank Him for this miracle. I suppose that is the natural progression of our walk as we trust Him for things. Our praise turns to hope and then our hope turns to praise. And then somewhere down the line we need a little more hope so we go on praising. . . and so on.
It seems even more fitting now when thinking all of this through that the name we've chosen for our little girl is Caroline Hope. She will wear a banner over her life that means, "Song of Hope" because our path to giving her life was paved by our song of hope and our longing for her is that she will turn and be a sweet song of hope to everyone she encounters on her own journey of life.
2 comments:
Jessica-
What a beautiful entry and what a beautiful name! Caroline is already a blessed child, and will only be more so when she is on the outside. I still pray for you and that little one daily.
On a more practical side (did you expect anything less from me?!?!) - kids make me lean on God more than anything else ever has. Have no fear - you will cling to Him with a newfound passion, in a different way, but cling nonetheless. Sometimes with a smile and in gratitude, sometimes desperate for help and direction... =)
Love ya-
cv
What a sweet post and wonderful name, I check often and it has been such a blessing to see your family really begin to cross over to the other side of infertility!
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