I was going to do a post today with an update on Hope. I would have told you that things are progressing along nicely and that I'm even 1 cm dilated already as of my appointment last Friday. Then I would have expressed how relieved I am that my body is getting ready to have this baby so that I won't start from zero when I go in to be induced on May 23rd. Well, there you have it. I guess I just gave you the update. And that will have to do because my triumph just doesn't seem too important at the moment.
It's seems odd to use the word "remembering" when I am talking about someone I've never met. I've never even met his parents or any family member closely associated with them. But the burden that I've carried for the past few weeks makes me feel like I know them and although I could never imagine to understand the depth of their pain, as I consider what they've been through I am full of deep, deep agony over what they must be experiencing.
Baby George went to be with Jesus this morning and I can't stop asking God, "why?" I keep chanting over and over, "I don't understand You Lord, but I trust You." I'm not sure my heart fully believes that today. Maybe tomorrow. And although I don't want to make their tragedy about me at all, I can't stop wondering why I would deserve my miracle and they not deserve theirs. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I realize that I've not yet held Caroline Hope in my arms and I'm trying not to allow fear to rise up within me due to that fact - but if I am to hope for her safe arrival then how can I not ask this question? How can I not wonder why He chooses some miracles to come to fulfillment and some to come just close enough to the brink to make you go mad?
I suppose what I love most about the Lord is that He allows us to go through these rants and raves of questioning when in the midst of loss. Gosh, if I'm going through this now, I can't imagine what Baby George's parents must be feeling. From what I understand, they are a God-loving couple who has trusted Him thus far. I don't think they would stop now. But I beg for your continued prayers to cover this sweet couple as they grieve their loss and as they process their own set of questions. I pray they come out on the other side able to give glory to God for His goodness despite their inability to comprehend it.
For me, this is just another reminder that Hope's life is not in my hands. I think I said this before regarding the baby girl that we lost - the destiny of this child was ordained far before she was conceived or even thought of being conceived. No matter how much I want to control things, I can't really compete with that.
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