The other night as Dave and I were struggling to make it through one of Hope's meltdowns, I exclaimed to him through tear-filled eyes, "I thought making her was hard. . .having her is so much harder!" I hate even admiting that. I suppose I thought that since I longed for her for so long that I wouldn't mind all of the hardships that come with a newborn. Oh how our flesh is quick to forget what got us to this point. As I processed my feelings a bit more last night (this being a dangerous thing to do during the postpartum period), I couldn't stop crying and I realized that I am so overwhelmed by the reality of her that I'm not enjoying the miracle that she is. I don't want to miss out on these early moments of being able gaze into her sweet eyes and thank the Lord for allowing us to have her. But for some reason, I'm having a really hard time figuring her out and getting into a groove with her. I know, I know. . .she's only 3 weeks old. But I feel it's so important to establish good habits and consistency early on. How can I be consistent when she is so inconsistent?
Dave has been such a support to me and to Hope in these early weeks. He's so wonderful with her and with me. I feel so badly when she is screaming and then I start crying. He's then got two girls with tears on his hands. . .but he responds like a strong man of God every time. Last night he reminded me of my post from October 3, 2007, shortly after we found out we'd conceived again. He read back to me the prayer of declaration I wrote and spoke over my and Hope's life every day of my pregnancy. He encouraged me that this new season is just another step on the journey and that I should cover it again with another prayer of faith. So here it goes. . .
Lord, I declare that You have anointed me to be the mother of Hope. Your Word says that "You are able to make all grace abound to me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work" (2 Corinthians 9). Today I ask that the Spirit of Wisdom and Peace be on me and in me, providing everything that I need to steward and guide Hope as she adjusts to life on this earth. In Jesus name I declare that I will not let fear or outside advice get in the way of hearing Your voice as I look to You to guide our days. Give me patience and strategy to know just what Hope needs, everyday. I thank You Father for the gift of Hope. May my life and hers bring honor to You. Amen.
So many people told me that this would be the hardest yet most rewarding thing I'll ever do. I now understand exactly what that means.
3 comments:
Hang in there my friend! The first 6 weeks are always the hardest. I will call you tomorrow :)
Thank God for the wonderful men in our lives! I know exactly how you feel. I was soooo emotional after James was born and Jim was such a rock for me. I'm so like you in wanting to have a routine and order back in my life, but it does take time. It is really frustrating though when you're still trying to figure out what their needs are. Thanks for being so transparent with us. It helps us know how to better pray for you as your friends and fellow moms! Love ya!
Thanks for sharing your heart!..Know that just because this is hard does not meen you are not grateful for this amazing blessing! Blessings!
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