Tonight is my first night away from Hope. I'm sitting in a hotel room typing this entry right about the time I would be home kissing her goodnight. I'm in Grand Rapids and she's at home and I'm doing surprisingly well with the whole thing. I'm sure that is because I will be home in less than 24 hours. Thank God the first trip was a short one.
It's funny because the whole "corporate mommy" thing was never a role I wanted to have. I suppose I thought I'd become a mom and then my career would slowly fizzle. I actually looked forward to that. Yet it seems the longer I wear the badge, the more permanent it seems to become. Right now I feel completely caught in the middle of career momentum and a desire to abandon it all. My bosses seem to think I can do anything (I am humbled by that fact) and keep tossing out options for new ventures and roles I could take on. All the while I keep thinking, I think I want off this crazy train. Shouldn't I want off this crazy train?
The truth is . . . some days I want off and some days I don't. Although I have some horribly stressful days filled with corporate politics and client drama, for the most part my job is enjoyable and I can see how the Lord is using it to prepare me for what's next. Yet the more ideas my bosses come up with, the harder it is to balance work and home life. I think I can be a great literary agent and an OK wife and mother and friend. Or I could be an OK literary agent and a great wife and mother and friend. I'm just not sure it's possible to be a great literary agent, a great wife, a great mother and a great friend. I realize I don't need to be perfect at everything but I'm one of those people who tends to believe if you can't be excellent at it, then why do it?
I don't feel like this is a season of great stress or deep confusion. I am simply keeping a spirit of evaluation as I journey through "corporate mommyhood." I pray He'll honor the fact that I am willing to give it all up at a second's notice if it overshadows my most important roles in life. Yet I am willing to give and to serve and to lean on Him for the strength to do so as long as He has me doing so.
Lord show me when it's time to get off this crazy train. And until then, I know your grace abounds.
1 comment:
This is a good outlook, Jess. I think you're doing an amazing job with all that God has on your plate right now. For the record, I know first hand what a great friend you are so you're right on track in that department! :) Have a great trip and I'm glad you'll be back with Hope and Dave tonight!
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