Before I ever started Clomid I was warned that it would mess with my "mood." Last month I tried to be really aware of this and I didn't feel any changes whatsoever. I came through month #1 fine, so I wasn't thinking at all about it this time around. I wish I had been more prepared.
Last week was a really hard week. Work was a bit more stressful than normal and I suppose the fact that we just moved and this whole baby process makes it that much more magnified. I mean, I've had busy, stressful weeks before, but I've never broken down like this. I must have cried for three days straight. If there weren't tears streaming down my face, it was because I was fighting everything inside of me to hold them back. I cried to Dave. I cried to my boss. I even told my boss I hated my job (Thank God he's not only a boss, but a friend too. Which is why I still have a job). I was a total mess. It didn't dawn on my until later in the week that it was probably the Clomid. Just realizing that helps me keep a better handle on my emotions.
But it made me do a lot of reflecting. I am actually very blessed to have the job I have. I get to work with people who do full time ministry. . .supporting their day to day lives by serving and guiding them. I work with wonderful people and I am paid well. The Lord has really provided through my job. Yet most days I feel miserable. The job is pretty high stress and full of lots of pressure to perform and excel. Honestly, I don't think it's a job the Lord would have a woman do for an extended period of time. In order to really do my job well, I would need to work 50+ hours a week. I have never done this nor do I plan to. . .which always makes me feel like I am not serving well.
I know that a new season is just around the corner. When we do have a baby, my work will change drastically. I long for that day. , ,when I will be able to keep more of a balance on the things I am called to as a woman. My home, my husband, relationships. I guess the longer I wait, the harder it is to complete this season. I keep begging the Lord for release. But at this point, I believe release is dependant on our starting a family. And that makes the wait for a baby even harder.
There is grace to complete this season and completion is coming soon. Every day I ask the Lord for His mercies that are new every morning. I ask the Holy Spirit to wash over me and help me complete the tasks that are in front of me with wisdom and joy.
I am not naive to think that being a mom is an easy job and will not rival my current responsibilities. I just believe when you are operating in a role you were born to do, there is an ease and a joy that comes with it. But so much of what I am learning now will only help me be a better leader in my children's lives. And for that I am so thankful for my current assignment.
1 comment:
Yep, the clomid definitely has its side effects. I always felt like I gained 10 pounds every time I took it.
It is hard when you realize that if you had a baby, then you wouldn't be.....(fill in the blank). For me too, it was working so much and in such a stressful job. At times it seemed to make things harder, but all in all it was a welcomed distraction. Work reminded me that there was more to life than having a baby, although at times it doesn't feel that way.
Post a Comment