New Life Is Coming

Last month, Dave and I took the next step in our journey of infertility by beginning to use the drug Clomid. Now, this is something that I've always known could help us conceive but we just didn't feel released to try it yet. Maybe that sounds stupid. I guess I could have had a child by now if I had just used Clomid right away. But we just felt like we wanted to give the Lord room to work on His own (which He did by allowing me to conceive naturally in Sept 2006). We're not legalistic weirdos about this sort of thing. It was just our conviction.

Right around the new year, however I started to feel a stirring in my heart that it was ok for us to take this next step. My friend, Sarah who is walking her own path of infertility right now, confirmed my thoughts by sharing her own belief that "when the Lord has told you it's time to start a family, you do everything that you can to fight for it." And so we entered a new realm of battle that involved medical measures.

Our first month of Clomid was successful in that that it caused my body to ovulate (which is what has not been happening all these months). I cannot tell you how excited I was when the doctor called to say, "You ovulated!" Oh, it's the little things in life that matter. Once I knew we had won that battle, I entered the two week wait (commonly referred to by women in my position as the 2WW). The 2WW is probably the worst two weeks you can imagine. The 2WW feels more like an eternity than two short weeks. I wish I could tell you that I was patient and hopeful and full of faith the whole time. Honestly, I was a wreck. I thought about it constantly, wondering what every little pain and twinge in my abdomen meant. I believe someday I'll get to the point where I can wait in peace. I'm not there yet. Perhaps that's what this journey is all about.

We learned this week that we did not conceive this month. Of course I am disappointed, but did I mention I ovulated? : ) That is such a big step in the right direction, I am purposing to focus on that and not dwell on the fact that I do not yet carry a child. And by the way, you've never seen a woman so excited to get her period. Who knew I'd ever be jumping for joy at the hint of its arrival?

Actually, I'm a little excited about embarking on this road for another month. Every month that I continue to wait is a month full of new revelation. Sure, there are days where I'd rather not have any more insight, I'd rather have a child. . .but for the most part, I'm thankful for the process and what it's producing.

This week we've had some of the most beautiful weather I've seen in a long time. I am reminded that spring is just around the corner. One of my dearest and most precious friends sent me an email yesterday reminding me that new life is coming with the coming of spring. This thought gives me hope because I know that He desires to show us His master plan through the seasons. Winter was dark and it was cold. But as I drive throughout beautiful middle Tennessee, I see trees budding and flowers blooming and I know spring is coming. And I have hope.

Tomorrow I will start the Clomid all over again. And I have hope.