Hope Deferred. . .

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

This past week, after I discovered I had not yet conceived, I walked through every emotion and feeling of loss that I have felt each month before. Praise the Lord that this time I was able to get a handle on my emotions much more quickly than before, but the process (although shortened) made me realize that each month I do not conceive. . .I grieve.

But what am I grieving? I thought. I haven't lost another child.

While it's true that I have only lost one child on this journey, each month that goes by that does not produce life, I am forced to grieve my hope and belief that this is it. Maybe this sounds crazy but it's really a cyclical process that mimics the function of my female reproductive system.

At the beginning of the cycle I get my period. Of course that is no fun, but in reality it is really healthy. There is cleansing and balancing of our bodies during this time. Next, I produce follicles that will turn into eggs. There are buds of life and possibility. Every month I feel hope rise in me as I watch my cycle and discover I have finally ovulated. My body has done what it is supposed to do. Then, I do everything in my power to contend for life through prayer and obviously. . .attempted fertilization of those eggs (I'll leave out the specifics here for Dave's sake). And then I wait. And I hope. And I wait. And I hope. And then the answer comes. When the answer is no, the cycle starts all over again. But only after there is grieving.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I think wise Solomon knew very well what he was saying when he wrote this Proverb. A good friend reminded me of this when I shared the news that I was not yet pregnant this month. She affirmed my need to deal with my emotions each time I received my answer. Someday soon I know that emotion will be joy. Until then, I continue to hope.