The Kingdom

Why are some women barren, while the wicked's house is full. The stories seem to never end. Give me evidence that I'm not alone. You said the weak would be lifted up, but maybe just not yet. So while I wait in this flesh and blood, I'll learn to lean in.

Help me see the light. I'm reaching through the fight. Yaweh. Show me the Kingdom. Arms open wide. Death swallowed up by life. Yaweh. Show me the Kingdom.

This morning you'll find me in my office fighting back tears and struggling to focus on work while listening to my new favorite song. All I have to say is Bethany Dillon is the most amazing, mature 18 year old woman I have ever met. Amazing. Below is her explaination for her song, The Kingdom from her latest album.

“I wrote it while I was visiting my cousin and his wife. They had suffered the loss of two babies who both died within a few days of birth. The song comes from a place of not understanding, but seeing that somehow our grief is sweet to God, because it makes our need for Him tangible. The barren womb screams of our need for Jesus; the young girl with cancer screams of our need for Jesus. The things that are broken and empty and in need of hope, they remind us of the coming Kingdom, of the things we can’t see yet. Our heartbreaks push us to Christ.”

I just returned from the doctor. Ultrasound #2 showed follicles that are still just too small. I am hopeful that they will grow and be ready in the right time. . .I guess I'm just annoyed or angry or something that this month I will likely pay $850 just to see how big my eggs are. No guarantees that anything will come of it. It seems like such a waste. I know I'll feel differently once we do conceive.

I know I need to get over it. I'm just weary of the fight. I've been so emotional this week. I cried all night last night after reading about another amazing woman going through an even harder fight for her baby's life. Why must the fight be so hard?

But this song is giving me perspective. It's not just about me or Dave or the baby we will someday have. This is about the Kingdom. This is about what it will produce for His ultimate glory. I need strength today. But it's available for me to continue to go to war for the King and the Kingdom.