The Sting

I had a meeting with this guy today. Nice guy. Working with a new online Christian community. We talked about my clients and his website and how we might partner. And then, of course we began to wrap the conversation with typical pleasantries. "What does your husband do?". . ."Do You have any kids?" It's my own fault. I asked the question. I should have avoided it. "I have one on the way," he said. You could see the mix of excitement and fear in his eyes. "When is your wife due?" I asked. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. "She's due in February," he explained. February. Right around the time I was due.

Why does it still have to sting every time I hear someone else is going to have a baby? I wonder if it will ever stop stinging. I feel so selfish when thoughts of their happiness lead to my misery. I know it's selfish, but I just can't help the way my heart drops into my stomach and I begin to get sick every single time it happens.

I think it's been even a little bit harder this week since we're in O mode (that would be ovulation for those of you who are not up with all the lingo). Trying to determine what my body is doing and praying and hoping for conception is exhausting, really. But a sweet friend of mine reminded me this week that He is the author of life. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do. Ultimately, His divine plan will prevail in the end.

Of course I know this truth. My gosh, if I haven't figured that out after two miscarriages then I'm not going to get it. I do know the truth. But sometimes emotions run rampant and I forget to live like I know it.

I am thankful for covenant partners who are walking beside us, there to remind me that He is powerful and faithful and loving towards us and our desire for a child. We have friends that believe for our child sometimes, I think more than we do! And I know it's coming. I know the favor of the Lord is just around the corner.

Until then, I think I'll stop asking about people and their kid status. My heart just can't take it right now.