The Soundtrack of My Life

I listen to Christian radio a lot. My husband always asks me why because our Christian radio station in Nashville is pretty crappy. They play the same songs over and over again. I don't even like most of them. But occasionally they play something I really like that encourages me. So I just keep listening.

With each of my past pregnancies, at just about the time I was going in for my second appointment (none of which have turned out well) a certain song has come on the radio. The song is Matt Redman's "Blessed Be Your Name." Now this is a song that I have always enjoyed. I believe there is so much truth to its words. However, in the past year - given its place in my journey - I have come to loathe this song.

You might wonder why. I'm sure many of you know this song well. We've sung it in church for a few years now. You'll recall the song recites the words of Job. . .the words he speaks about the Lord after his first test. "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" (Job 1:21). Perhaps you are starting to see why I have a new aversion to this tune. Each time I have heard it in the past, it has become a very true part of my process. With each baby this year, the Lord has given. . .and then the Lord has taken away. The first time I heard it (about a year ago), I sang it strong. . .believing that He was good, no matter what. The second time I heard it (this past July), my heart sunk a bit. . .but I believed He was good and this time He wasn't going to take away.

This morning that lovely song came on once again. . .just 6 days before my 12 week appointment. I sat there for a second and wanted to throw up. I turned the radio station as quickly as possible and I shouted, "NO! I will not listen to that song this time." I know this is horrible because I know this song does hold truth. The Lord does give and He does take away. Our lives have proven that time and time again. And my heart has and it will continue to choose to bless His name, no matter what. But I just couldn't sit there and declare that He gives and takes away and that I'm ok with that this time. I'm having to really declare that this is a new day and this is a new thing He is doing.

And so therefore, Matt Redman, I'm going to have to remove your song (however true and lovely it is) from the soundtrack of my life during this season. I'm holding onto that Debby Boone song I talked about a few weeks back. . .The Time Is Now!