It's been quite an interesting couple of weeks in regards to work. I continue to manage the inner battle of whether or not it is capable of doing this job and being a good mom. This time last week I was sure it was not. I was sure that I had heard clearly from God that it was time to move on.
I traveled last week - Nashville to Chicago to Grand Rapids to Chicago and back to Nashville. It was a crazy whirlwind with free time only to think about the baby girl I had left at home. I missed her terribly and I was bitter at the thought of missing even one moment of this crucial time in her development. Each day she takes more steps, says more words and has brand new facial expressions. Why should I miss that for a job? It just doesn't seem worth it.
While traveling home, where another crazy day of work related activities awaited me, I wrestled in my heart and mind with my current situation (as I often do) but this time I honestly felt a clear voice within me. It's time to start looking for your replacement - I heard. This job has become more than you are able to give in this season. I asked God for days if this was really Him. I've had similar responses so many times that came from my exhaustion and stress. I wanted to make sure this was really His leading. I felt that I needed to take a few important next steps. 1 - Tell Dave I think I'm supposed to quit my job. 2 - Go over the budget to make sure it was even possible. 3 - Explore a few possible contract work opportunities to make sure I could contribute something to the household finances.
Dave was supportive but not quick to help write my letter of resignation. The budget was tight. There would obviously be no new shoes in my near future. And the contract work was slim. So many companies cutting back . . . many of them doing without the extra help these days.
As I sat in the car pondering what on earth we would do to make things work, I checked the email on my phone as I often do in the car. My boss had sent me something unsolicited yet unbelievable. An email, titled "A reminder of how good you are at what you do." It said basically, "I know you still aren't sure if you can do this, but I want you to know I know you can. Know that I am praying for you as you try to create the right balance and I'm willing to look at creative ways we can do that." And then he went on to sing my praises . . . which I honestly don't think I deserve. How did he know? I hadn't yet shared my revelation with him. I had planned to do so this week.
In my meeting with him on Tuesday, I honestly shared that I had planned to come in and say we needed to look for my replacement. He wasn't surprised but looked a little relieved that I wasn't actually saying it. He proceeded to encourage me even more and then we talked about ways that we could alleviate some of the stresses and the things that invade my time at home. Things will not change overnight, but I am hopeful that they will.
I'm not sure why I thought I heard the Lord say something so clearly about a specific action I was to take, only to reveal later that I am to stay. I guess sometimes He has us walk through exercises to test our faithfulness and our willingness to walk carefully through His will. I am glad I explored the things I did, even if they did not lead to my resignation. At least now I know for sure that I have the full support of my amazing boss and an open door to discuss my situation with him honestly. I am humbled that I have such favor.
A good friend and mentor reminded me this morning over coffee that I have probably the best situation if I do have to work outside the home. My wonderful mom watches Hope while I am at the office, my amazing husband is so helpful treating every task as a team player and my in laws live within a mile of our house. The conversation reminded me that I need to focus on the grace that covers me rather than the occasional tough circumstances.
Don't get me wrong. I do not want to work this much outside my home for too much longer. But He obviously still has a plan for me in this position so for now, I'll do the best I can to serve those I work for while enjoying the benefits of bills that are paid and of course, new shoes every now and then!
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