Hope Turns 1!

Hope turned one on Thursday. I regret that I didn't get to do a post on that day but I was pretty busy getting ready for her party. Today we gathered with some of our family and friends to celebrate Hope's life. It was a perfect day, despite the storms outside. I think Hope had a blast! She scooted around all day long, running after the other kids and definitely enjoying all the attention.

Dave and I have reflected a lot over the past few days. It's so hard to believe it's been a year. Just a few minutes ago we laughed when trying to remember those first few nights at home with her. It's true that you do forget the hard stuff. I guess our brains block it out, trying to make room for all the good memories. As I do think back over the past year, I am flooded with gratitude of the goodness of the Lord and His provision in our lives. There were days years ago that I wondered if I'd ever have a child and here I am celebrating her birthday. So amazing!

Here are some pics from the day. It was simply priceless!

Hope Is Walking!

I don't think I've ever been so proud in my life. Hope started walking about 4 weeks ago but I finally got it on video. Each day she takes more and more steps. She gets steadier and steadier every day and now I finally understand the concept of baby steps. One at a time. . . two at a time. . . until we can race across the kitchen floor in our socks without falling down.

I can't believe she is going to be 1 next week.

Man is having a baby a wonderful picture of life!

Enjoy!!

The Diary of a Working Mom

It's been quite an interesting couple of weeks in regards to work. I continue to manage the inner battle of whether or not it is capable of doing this job and being a good mom. This time last week I was sure it was not. I was sure that I had heard clearly from God that it was time to move on.

I traveled last week - Nashville to Chicago to Grand Rapids to Chicago and back to Nashville. It was a crazy whirlwind with free time only to think about the baby girl I had left at home. I missed her terribly and I was bitter at the thought of missing even one moment of this crucial time in her development. Each day she takes more steps, says more words and has brand new facial expressions. Why should I miss that for a job? It just doesn't seem worth it.

While traveling home, where another crazy day of work related activities awaited me, I wrestled in my heart and mind with my current situation (as I often do) but this time I honestly felt a clear voice within me. It's time to start looking for your replacement - I heard. This job has become more than you are able to give in this season. I asked God for days if this was really Him. I've had similar responses so many times that came from my exhaustion and stress. I wanted to make sure this was really His leading. I felt that I needed to take a few important next steps. 1 - Tell Dave I think I'm supposed to quit my job. 2 - Go over the budget to make sure it was even possible. 3 - Explore a few possible contract work opportunities to make sure I could contribute something to the household finances.

Dave was supportive but not quick to help write my letter of resignation. The budget was tight. There would obviously be no new shoes in my near future. And the contract work was slim. So many companies cutting back . . . many of them doing without the extra help these days.

As I sat in the car pondering what on earth we would do to make things work, I checked the email on my phone as I often do in the car. My boss had sent me something unsolicited yet unbelievable. An email, titled "A reminder of how good you are at what you do." It said basically, "I know you still aren't sure if you can do this, but I want you to know I know you can. Know that I am praying for you as you try to create the right balance and I'm willing to look at creative ways we can do that." And then he went on to sing my praises . . . which I honestly don't think I deserve. How did he know? I hadn't yet shared my revelation with him. I had planned to do so this week.

In my meeting with him on Tuesday, I honestly shared that I had planned to come in and say we needed to look for my replacement. He wasn't surprised but looked a little relieved that I wasn't actually saying it. He proceeded to encourage me even more and then we talked about ways that we could alleviate some of the stresses and the things that invade my time at home. Things will not change overnight, but I am hopeful that they will.

I'm not sure why I thought I heard the Lord say something so clearly about a specific action I was to take, only to reveal later that I am to stay. I guess sometimes He has us walk through exercises to test our faithfulness and our willingness to walk carefully through His will. I am glad I explored the things I did, even if they did not lead to my resignation. At least now I know for sure that I have the full support of my amazing boss and an open door to discuss my situation with him honestly. I am humbled that I have such favor.

A good friend and mentor reminded me this morning over coffee that I have probably the best situation if I do have to work outside the home. My wonderful mom watches Hope while I am at the office, my amazing husband is so helpful treating every task as a team player and my in laws live within a mile of our house. The conversation reminded me that I need to focus on the grace that covers me rather than the occasional tough circumstances.

Don't get me wrong. I do not want to work this much outside my home for too much longer. But He obviously still has a plan for me in this position so for now, I'll do the best I can to serve those I work for while enjoying the benefits of bills that are paid and of course, new shoes every now and then!

Baby's First Christmas!

I pray you all had a wonderful and peaceful holiday. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun we had with Hope. If you have children or nieces or nephews or grandchildren, I'm sure you understand. I think she knew it was Christmas and that it meant family and presents and fun because she was in the best mood ever! Constantly laughing and playing. What a joy! Here are a few pics of our fun!

Hope's First Snow!

So now I have something new to add to my list of things that make me full of joy and wonder during the holidays . . . a baby in the snow! Isn't she cute!!

Simplicity or Sephora?

The other day I was in Sephora with a few girlfriends. As I was browsing through the sea of cosmetics, I quickly found myself overwhelmed and maybe even a little annoyed at the choices laid out in front of me. I went in to purchase an inexpensive yet very effective eyeliner but was bombarded by 58 other eyeliner options carrying empty promises for brighter eyes and much higher price tags.

And then for some reason my mind wandered to thoughts of Little House on the Prairie. Bear with me here, this is not quite as random as one might think. I was watching Little House for a few minutes the other day while home with my mom and Hope. We love Little House. It is wholesome and reminds us of when I was young. I kinda looked like Laura Ingles when I was little. But I digress. . .So I was walking through Sephora thinking about Little House and how times were much simpler then. Laura Ingles wasn't plagued with the pressure of making a decision between liquid or mineral makeup. No, Laura had much more important things to worry about like stuffing her dress with apples to make her bosoms look bigger. Ah, classic. I'll never forget the sight of those apples falling to the floor and rolling down the school room isle.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the simple life. Perhaps it's due to constant news headlines about our current economic state. Or perhaps it's because adding a baby and all that comes with it into your life and your home makes you want to throw everything away and live with one set of dishes and one set of sheets and one small set of clothes. Whatever the reason, I also know that the gloom and doom news reports are also making me a bit disgusted at our culture here in the USA. I realize that this economic downturn is not something to take lightly. Considering the tens of thousands of people who have lost their jobs, I take it very seriously and I pray that the Lord would provide abundantly for them. But then there are those of us who are simply living in fear because things don't look like they did 12 months ago. We can't own a big SUV anymore because gas got too high. We can't get a boob job because we didn't get that quarterly bonus (I've got three words for you . . . Laura Ingles' apples!) We can't shop at the high end supermarket for all organic food because it's just too expensive and we should save our pennies for when this thing really goes south. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe we weren't supposed to have those big, fat SUV's in the first place. Maybe we're not supposed to have 37 different mascara's to choose from. But this is the culture that the world has created. We've done this to ourselves and now I feel we need to take inventory and really prioritize in our lives.

I believe we've become so used to having stuff at our disposal that we are mistaking an opportunity to simplify as an economic downturn. We are more taken care of and richly blessed than any nation in the entire world. Yet we freak out when life happens and forces us to re-evaluate our spending and our priorities. We are now so used to choices we've let them dilute our convictions and our focus.

So I'm taking this downturn as an opportunity to take a look at my own life. Will I choose simplicity or Sephora? I know it will not be easy but I choose simplicity. Sure, there will need to be a huge paradigm shift in my thinking, but in the end I know the diligence of living with less will prepare me and my family for all that God has for us. As Christians we tend to think abundance refers to stuff. Although the Word promises us abundance, it also addresses where we need to store up our treasures. . .and it's not here on earth people!

Will you join with me in evaluating your own life? I'm not suggesting that anyone give up the things they enjoy or the blessings of their lives. No, I still plan to shop at Sephora . . . just with a different point of view. I will not be sucked in by all the choices, believing I should spend my money and try something new just because it's there. I will shop with greater restraint and discernment, obtaining only what I truly need . . . because I believe that when we can learn to live with less, we will end up having so much more.

Corporate Mommy

Tonight is my first night away from Hope. I'm sitting in a hotel room typing this entry right about the time I would be home kissing her goodnight. I'm in Grand Rapids and she's at home and I'm doing surprisingly well with the whole thing. I'm sure that is because I will be home in less than 24 hours. Thank God the first trip was a short one.

It's funny because the whole "corporate mommy" thing was never a role I wanted to have. I suppose I thought I'd become a mom and then my career would slowly fizzle. I actually looked forward to that. Yet it seems the longer I wear the badge, the more permanent it seems to become. Right now I feel completely caught in the middle of career momentum and a desire to abandon it all. My bosses seem to think I can do anything (I am humbled by that fact) and keep tossing out options for new ventures and roles I could take on. All the while I keep thinking, I think I want off this crazy train. Shouldn't I want off this crazy train?

The truth is . . . some days I want off and some days I don't. Although I have some horribly stressful days filled with corporate politics and client drama, for the most part my job is enjoyable and I can see how the Lord is using it to prepare me for what's next. Yet the more ideas my bosses come up with, the harder it is to balance work and home life. I think I can be a great literary agent and an OK wife and mother and friend. Or I could be an OK literary agent and a great wife and mother and friend. I'm just not sure it's possible to be a great literary agent, a great wife, a great mother and a great friend. I realize I don't need to be perfect at everything but I'm one of those people who tends to believe if you can't be excellent at it, then why do it?

I don't feel like this is a season of great stress or deep confusion. I am simply keeping a spirit of evaluation as I journey through "corporate mommyhood." I pray He'll honor the fact that I am willing to give it all up at a second's notice if it overshadows my most important roles in life. Yet I am willing to give and to serve and to lean on Him for the strength to do so as long as He has me doing so.

Lord show me when it's time to get off this crazy train. And until then, I know your grace abounds.

Something Beautiful

There are so many things I've considered blogging about in the past few days. Politics, the current (somewhat sad) state of The Church, The Shack (no, I haven't finished it yet, get off my back!), the American economy. . . many interesting topics have crossed my mind. Perhaps it's because I'm in a bit of a crazy season right now, but I just couldn't muster up the energy to address any of the above. So today, I choose to write about current events as it relates to the Wolstenholm household.

Yesterday, Dave and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. We didn't do anything all that special. Just a quiet night out, shopping and eating without the little one. Please remind me to never again choose shopping for my anniversary date. Upon arrival at the mall, Dave said something like, "You going in Banana Republic? OK, I'll be somewhere else. Just call my cell when you are done." Incredibly romantic! We did end up later having a nice dinner and shopping together at Barnes and Noble. Ah, books. The thing that can bring any couple together!

Anyway, I digress. . . so back to our marriage. I think this year was especially reflective because all day I kept looking at Hope thinking, this life is a product of our marriage. This is what we have to celebrate this year.

Now I hope in years to come, our anniversary will be a time to celebrate me and Dave. . . that it won't have to be about our children. But this year, it seemed appropriate to dwell on the fact that Hope is a product of two people partnering together, enduring hardship and overcoming adversity in order to bring glory to the Father through something beautiful and living. It nearly took my breath away to think about our marriage in that regard. Even as I write this, I am gaining an even deeper understanding of this revelation and now my prayer is that He'll give us the grace to apply that truth to every area of our lives together. Our family, our friends, this unsteady and hurting world that we have got to reach out to!

I thank the Lord that He gives us marriage as a clear picture of His relationship with The Church. It's not always pretty, but it can create something beautiful if we, together, fight the good fight in faith.

Happy Anniversary Dave! I love you more and more every day!

Hope's First Trip!

This weekend we visited Minnesota to see Dave's family. We had a wonderful time and Hope did so well on the plane and also sleeping in a new place for the first time. She's such a good little traveler. Here are some highlights.

Oh. . .and FYI moms. . .the new whale tub from Target is awesome! It's the perfect reclining position for infants to lay back but not slide around. I already have a tub, but I think I may go out and get this one too. It's so much better than the traditional plastic tub!

Here's Hope taking a bath, performing her new olympic-ready gymnast stance, attending her first tea party at Aunt Jane's and lastly, sporting a Minnesota approved, monkey fur hat (which was completely necessary in the 80 degree weather we had).

Hope's Dedication

This past Sunday we dedicated Hope to the Lord in the presence of our family and friends. This might sound odd, but this was one of the major events that I had been looking forward to. . . even as I was still pregnant. I just kept thinking about the moment we could stand in front of our church body and thank them for their incredible support while giving the Lord complete glory for our miracle. It was a very sweet time and a great reminder of the journey we had traveled to get us to this point. He truly has done great things for us!

Here's a pic from our special day and a few shots from when we caught Hope reading the other day. I think she's going to be a book worm like daddy!

Life With Hope

We're going on day six with our little Hope. I can't even describe the reality of having her here with us. . .both the wonderful and the wonderfully hard things about it. Nights one and two at home were pretty rough. I don't think I had any unrealistic expectations about how it would be, but the reality is just so shocking. We're figuring out her needs and her personality and asking the Lord for great grace and wisdom as we do. We have so many wonderful people around us to help us although at the end of the day, Hope is a unique human being and we need to tune in to her specific needs. That's where the grace comes in.

I think the most wonderful thing about being on the other side of this is seeing my sweet husband with our little girl. I never imagined just how sweet he would be. He is settling into fatherhood so peacefully and joyfully. I can tell he loves her so much. He never ceases to spring into action when needed (even in the middle of the night, the night before he had to return to work yesterday). I've been a bit emotional so I've had a few little breakdowns. It just doesn't scare him. He's been right there, every time, ready to love and support us both.

Here are a few pics of daddy with his little girl. Isn't he sweet?

Although it's all still a little surreal, we are beginning to feel like a family. As much as I longed for this blessing to arrive, I never knew how amazing it would be. I'm sure it will only keep getting better.

Caroline Hope Wolstenholm Is Here!

It seems a little surreal to sit here in the hospital and type this entry. I guess you could say I'm officially on the other side of infertility now. The realization of our hope has come to fruition.

This morning we joyfully announce the arrival of our little girl, Caroline Hope Wolstenholm.

Baby Hope arrived Wednesday, May 14th at 8:05 pm, weighing 6 lbs 11 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long.

We are all doing very well, basking in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.

Here are a few pictures from our day. It was rough (to say the least) but of course, worth every second.

I will post more later.

The Babymoon

Well that's what all the books and websites call it. Not sure it has all the same anticipation and emotion as a honeymoon, but it was fun and relaxing nonetheless. Dave and I headed to Atlanta this past weekend to grab one last little getaway before Hope arrives. We had a wonderful time exploring, relaxing, shopping. . .No real agenda, except to visit IKEA and the Rachel Ashwell Shabby Chic store (more on that later).

We had a few sweet moments of sharing about our thoughts on the upcoming arrival of our first child. You know men, it's hard enough to get them to share, let alone when life is about to change dramatically, forever. But Dave opened up a bit about his excitement and fears. I was so glad he did. We laughed a lot in the car because neither of us really knew where we were going most of the time. Dave has a very keen sense of direction but downtown Atlanta is pretty new to both of us. Although we found ourselves lost several times, we laughed because just when we knew we were lost, we stumbled upon the next place we wanted to go. . . without even trying.

Most of all, the weekend made me realize just what a great team we are. Sure, we have our moments. Neither one of us is perfect (I'm sure that's a news flash to all of you). But we have so much fun traveling together because we enjoy similar adventures (I use that word lightly) and activities. Now Dave will never want to shop quite as much as I will on a trip, but that's what makes Atlanta a great destination for us. If you bring IKEA and finding a good deal into the picture, we are both completely in our element.

Now back to the Shabby Chic store. . . how can something so old looking be so expensive? I'm not really sure. I will tell you this - I could have set up house right there in that small space and been happy as a lark the rest of my life. I just love, love, love everything they have in there (except the sea shells-apparently they are really in this season and I'm not sure why). It was great to find ideas and see how they had everything laid out but I won't be making a purchase any time soon. Paying $600 for a duvet cover is just not in my future so I suppose I'll have to get creative.

Completion?

Today I am doing a lot more reflecting on the past year. Of course, isn't that what we all do? On this day last year, I remember crying a lot. We had recently had our first miscarriage. . .we were living in a temporary home, waiting for ours to be built. . .I was very overwhelmed at work. . .I just felt like I hadn't accomplished anything in 2006. Emotionally and spiritually, I felt like I was worse off at the end of the year then when it began. I remember thinking I really hope 2007 is better than this.

A few weeks later, my pastor shared with us his vision for 2007. He declared 2007 a year of completion for us. Of course, I had so many of my own ideas about what that would and should look like. It didn't really turn out like I had planned, but I am so thankful to stand here today at the end of 2007. I have joy in my heart as I look back over 2007 with no regrets. . .and I have hope as I look to 2008 for those things that have not yet been completed.

This year marked so many wonderful things. My parents moved to town (the first time I've had them close for over 12 years), Dave finally got a new job and because of that provision, I was able to cut back my hours at work. Dave and I became leaders of a small group at church and although we were a little scared at first to lead, we are loving this new family that has grown together this year. And last but not least of course, we are now 18 weeks pregnant with our little girl!

This year also marked many hard and sorrowful things. We miscarried our baby girl over the summer and then endured fertility treatment (not too extensive, but never really that fun) to conceive this child. We've walked with my parents who have had a bit of a difficult time transitioning here and my brother and his wife lost a baby to miscarriage right before Christmas.

I purpose to be joyful over the triumphs and hopeful through the tragedies. I know that although 2007 was a year of completion in many ways. . .like I said before, He just isn't finished yet. Sure, I would have loved for Him to wrap it all up nicely with a little bow in time for Christmas this year. . .but He did not. And so I continue to hope and to believe and to not lose heart.

I continue to pray for all of you. . .that you will have the same mixture of joy and hope as you move into 2008. He is working it all together for our good.

Christmas

I just love Christmas. Celebrating the birth of our Saviour with all the fancy decorations and yummy food. . .reflecting on all that He did for us in sending His son, and letting it remind me of all He is capable of doing.

We had a wonderful holiday this year. Dave and I got to celebrate with both sets of parents on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (I'm so glad they get along well). But for me, it was especially special to have my parents close this holiday. They've visited here in the past for Christmas. . .but there is just something about living close and doing life and Christmas together. It really means a lot to me, especially during this season of my life.

Despite the fact that I could not fully indulge myself in the delicacies of Christmas, I still had a wonderful time and I can honestly say I didn't feel deprived at all. Now that is the grace of God!!

As I look back over the year, I am reflecting on how challenging it has been and yet I am so hopeful for the completion of things. . . for myself and my family. This year did not quite turn out like I had planned (I am not surprised), but I declare that He has done great things and that He is not finished yet!

I pray that all of you will be able to confess the same as you roll into 2008. . .it will be a year of new beginnings and unfinished business. . .if we yield to His ways, for they are much, much higher than ours.

The Provision of the Lord

I can not even begin to express the fullness and joy that comes from the faithfulness of God. He is so good. No matter what we have to walk through, no matter what He requires. . .He will not leave us or forsake us. He will fulfill His promises.

I beam like this because last week, after waiting on the Lord for over two years, my sweet husband got a new job! This is an answer to many long hours of prayer. It is a victory after much contending for God's will for Dave in this season.

Now I don't write too much about Dave, so let me just share. Dave is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. He is steadfast and strong to say the least, but not all that stubborn. Well maybe a little : ) He's just a great balance of will and emotion and he's been an example to me every day since we began to share our lives together.

Dave knew he wanted a new job over two years ago. His company is downtown so the commute is no fun. Not to mention that being in the area has made him virtually alienated from anyone he might want to have lunch with every now and then. His boss never followed through on any promises to help develop and grow him. And last but not least. . .he made about 30% less than he should have made in the position.

Yet Dave never complained. Sure, he'd let me know when the day was hard and I was well aware that we wanted out. But he didn't carry it around with him (like I might have). He just pressed into the Lord and persevered. He didn't even start looking for a new job until he felt completely released.

About 3 months ago, he felt like it was time. We spent hours on Monster and Career Builder. I felt the Lord reveal to me to pray for Dave to have an advocate. Unlike a lot of us, Dave was not able to "network" in his job. He didn't interact with many people and it made him feel very alone in his search. He met with numerous recruiters and went on a few interviews. When he was just about ready to give up, he got a call from another recruiter and although he was reluctant, he took the meeting. This guy was our answer to prayer. He and Dave hit it off and I knew he would be the advocate I had prayed for.

I'll make a long story short and tell you that within a week of the interview this recruiter set up for Dave, he was offered the position! The office is in Cool Springs so his commute will be cut in half (or better). The job is everything we've been believing for. When I told Dave to not be so picky with the salary. . .that as long as he got a nice raise, we'd be fine. . .he said, "Why shouldn't I believe the Lord for abundance?" Wow. I'm glad I didn't mess things up. Because the Lord has blessed us so abundantly through this new position. I've learned through this that as a wife, I'd better not let my fear get the best of me. I need to be in tune to what the Lord is doing. I really could have messed things up!

Dave is so happy and so relieved and he gives the Lord the glory for all of it. Whatever you are believing for right now. . .keep on believing. Just as Dave and I have learned in the past 18 months. . .the Lord's timing is not always in line with our thinking. . .but as we wait on Him, He brings abundance.

It's worth waiting for His best. . .really it is. No one ever gets to God's will after a long wait and looks back and says, "Gee, why'd that take so long?" We always get there right on time and we look back and say, "Oh, I get it."