Prayer for Josiah

It is with great burden that I write this post. I should have written it a week or so ago but life got ahead of me. I'm embarrassed to say I couldn't find five minutes to ask for prayer for our friends who are hurting right now. Better late than never. The prayers are still needed.

Our friends and church family members Kara and Tony Zapata have just returned from North Carolina where they were with their little boy Josiah (2 1/2) and two other children. Kara went to NC to visit family and while there took Josiah into the emergency room. They were met with the horrible news that Josiah had a tumor on both lungs and one of his kidneys. He has been diagnosed with stage 4 Wilms' Tumor (tumors on his left kidney, on both lungs & his renal artery). The family returned home this weekend and Josiah will begin chemotherapy at Vandy this week. The doctors were pleased that the diagnosis was clear but there is still a long road to travel for sweet, little Josiah and his family.

Please pray that he would respond well to the chemo and receive complete and total healing. Please pray for strength for his small body and for his parents' hearts. I cannot even imagine the level of emotion they are experiencing right now yet they both seem so full of faith. What a testimony to what life can be like with the Lord . . . even in the really tough times.

I am believing that Josiah will be healed and that the Lord will receive amazing glory through this trial . . . both through the healing of his body and through the testimony of his parents' faith. They have already been such an example to me.

A Matter Of Healing

We had a wonderful night last night. Hope slept 8 hours straight! I can hardly believe it. Now if I can just get her to do that consistently. . .we're on our way there. She's had a great day today as well. Although she is still battling digestive issues, we seem to have it a bit more under control. Praise the Lord!

I have though, really felt the Lord speaking to me in the past few days about making this a matter of healing. I suppose since the doctor and many books and websites I have read have said this is "normal", I figured we would just deal with it. But I feel the Lord telling me that I don't just have to deal with it. . .that we can have peace in Hope's body and in our home. We just have to make it a matter of healing for Hope.

Although I have constantly prayed over her little body for peace and relief from her discomfort, I am now contending boldly for her complete and total healing. I am asking the Lord to relieve her of any digestive issues and to bring peace to her system. I am a little embarrased that I didn't start this sooner, but I know this is the Lord's way of teaching me even more to press into Him and not just accept things that I am told.

So many lessons to learn about Hope and myself and the Lord. I am actually beginning to get excited about how this new season is going to refine me. I always figured it would, but the reality of it is so much deeper than I had imagined. I love the way He continues to mold us through all of life's circumstances - the good and the bad.

Laying It Down

Saturday morning was tough. After a hard night on Friday with Hope waking up every 2 hours and basically snack feeding all night, she was a bit out of sorts the next morning. I sat on the stairs in the kitchen and just listened to her cries, fighting back tears myself. I have to be honest and tell you that these weren't normal "mommy tears" because it hurt my heart to hear her (like most of my friends tell me they experienced). No, these were "I can't take it anymore, when will there be order in my life, I'm so overwhelmed" tears. As I sat there, I looked over to my books (baby bibles if you will) and my baby journal sitting on the kitchen table. I wanted so desperately to rip them open once again in search for "the answer." And then I felt the Lord say, "Lay it down. Lay them down. You know the principles they hold. You've studied them. Now let my Holy Spirit guide you. Just lay it all down."

I wasn't sure that it was the Lord I was hearing or just my own fleshly desire to throw in the towel on routine. Dave came and sat down beside me. He held me and told me I was doing a great job, that is was just going to take time. Reluctantly, I verbalized what I had just felt the Lord say. . .and as I did, Hope stopped crying.

She didn't start crying again in 2 minutes (as had been happening all morning). She just drifted off to sleep. Dave and I looked at each other and laughed a bit. Then I said, "I'll take that as a sign." So I packed up my books in a basket on the bookshelf. It's not that I won't ever reference them or pick back up with recording Hope's eating and sleeping and pooping schedule. But for now, the Lord has given me instruction to let it go. . .for my sake and for the sake of our effectively parenting Hope. . .and focus on His leading.

The rest of the day and night were amazing. She followed a 3 hour schedule almost to the minute. She ate well, played well, went to sleep well and Dave and I were able to relax and enjoy a Saturday (in between feedings and poopy diapers).

I'm not naive to think that this will continue every day. But there's progress and that is life to my dry bones! I think I knew deep down in my heart that the process of parenting would be more about what it taught me than what it teaches Hope. But the reality of that is just more shocking to the system than I thought. Praise God for His amazing grace!

And I Thought Making Her Was Hard!

The other night as Dave and I were struggling to make it through one of Hope's meltdowns, I exclaimed to him through tear-filled eyes, "I thought making her was hard. . .having her is so much harder!" I hate even admiting that. I suppose I thought that since I longed for her for so long that I wouldn't mind all of the hardships that come with a newborn. Oh how our flesh is quick to forget what got us to this point. As I processed my feelings a bit more last night (this being a dangerous thing to do during the postpartum period), I couldn't stop crying and I realized that I am so overwhelmed by the reality of her that I'm not enjoying the miracle that she is. I don't want to miss out on these early moments of being able gaze into her sweet eyes and thank the Lord for allowing us to have her. But for some reason, I'm having a really hard time figuring her out and getting into a groove with her. I know, I know. . .she's only 3 weeks old. But I feel it's so important to establish good habits and consistency early on. How can I be consistent when she is so inconsistent?

Dave has been such a support to me and to Hope in these early weeks. He's so wonderful with her and with me. I feel so badly when she is screaming and then I start crying. He's then got two girls with tears on his hands. . .but he responds like a strong man of God every time. Last night he reminded me of my post from October 3, 2007, shortly after we found out we'd conceived again. He read back to me the prayer of declaration I wrote and spoke over my and Hope's life every day of my pregnancy. He encouraged me that this new season is just another step on the journey and that I should cover it again with another prayer of faith. So here it goes. . .

Lord, I declare that You have anointed me to be the mother of Hope. Your Word says that "You are able to make all grace abound to me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work" (2 Corinthians 9). Today I ask that the Spirit of Wisdom and Peace be on me and in me, providing everything that I need to steward and guide Hope as she adjusts to life on this earth. In Jesus name I declare that I will not let fear or outside advice get in the way of hearing Your voice as I look to You to guide our days. Give me patience and strategy to know just what Hope needs, everyday. I thank You Father for the gift of Hope. May my life and hers bring honor to You. Amen.

So many people told me that this would be the hardest yet most rewarding thing I'll ever do. I now understand exactly what that means.

Remembering Baby George

I was going to do a post today with an update on Hope. I would have told you that things are progressing along nicely and that I'm even 1 cm dilated already as of my appointment last Friday. Then I would have expressed how relieved I am that my body is getting ready to have this baby so that I won't start from zero when I go in to be induced on May 23rd. Well, there you have it. I guess I just gave you the update. And that will have to do because my triumph just doesn't seem too important at the moment.

It's seems odd to use the word "remembering" when I am talking about someone I've never met. I've never even met his parents or any family member closely associated with them. But the burden that I've carried for the past few weeks makes me feel like I know them and although I could never imagine to understand the depth of their pain, as I consider what they've been through I am full of deep, deep agony over what they must be experiencing.

Baby George went to be with Jesus this morning and I can't stop asking God, "why?" I keep chanting over and over, "I don't understand You Lord, but I trust You." I'm not sure my heart fully believes that today. Maybe tomorrow. And although I don't want to make their tragedy about me at all, I can't stop wondering why I would deserve my miracle and they not deserve theirs. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I realize that I've not yet held Caroline Hope in my arms and I'm trying not to allow fear to rise up within me due to that fact - but if I am to hope for her safe arrival then how can I not ask this question? How can I not wonder why He chooses some miracles to come to fulfillment and some to come just close enough to the brink to make you go mad?

I suppose what I love most about the Lord is that He allows us to go through these rants and raves of questioning when in the midst of loss. Gosh, if I'm going through this now, I can't imagine what Baby George's parents must be feeling. From what I understand, they are a God-loving couple who has trusted Him thus far. I don't think they would stop now. But I beg for your continued prayers to cover this sweet couple as they grieve their loss and as they process their own set of questions. I pray they come out on the other side able to give glory to God for His goodness despite their inability to comprehend it.

For me, this is just another reminder that Hope's life is not in my hands. I think I said this before regarding the baby girl that we lost - the destiny of this child was ordained far before she was conceived or even thought of being conceived. No matter how much I want to control things, I can't really compete with that.

Prayer for Baby George

It's been quite a heavy week. As we rapidly approach the arrival of our little blessing, I feel we are being reminded constantly of the sovereignty of the Lord and what a precious gift life is.

Today I ask that you would join me in praying for baby George. He was born on Friday after some serious complications with no heartbeat. They were able to resuscitate him and get him to another hospital where he could receive critical care, but it seems it will take a miracle for this little boy to live. I think what is hurting my heart the most is that it was nothing short of a miracle that he was conceived at all. Doctors told his parents that they would never have a baby unless God intervened. He did and baby George was conceived about 9 months ago.

This weekend my heart has been very heavy for baby George and his parents. So much so that I found myself going to bed on Saturday and waking up on Sunday begging the Lord for his life. As I sat in worship on Sunday morning, I offered my praise mixed in with a little bit of "please God, must you require this tragedy for Your glory?" I suppose sitting there and singing about His glory made me hope it was possible for Him to receive it without taking this life.

I don't know George's parents but from what I understand, they will likely allow their story to bring glory to Him whether baby George gets the chance to live on this earth or not. I cannot begin to understand His ways and I know I must yield to His perfect will and trust that He knows what is best. . . but for some reason I cannot stop begging, I cannot stop contending for this little life. I ask you to join with me this week in believing for completely restored health for this baby boy. Pray that his parents would be at peace (however absurd it sounds to have peace during a time like this) and would rest in knowing that He is good and He is faithful.

Prayer for Heidi

I'm not sure why there are streams of tears running down my face this morning. This is not the first time I've heard or read a story about infertility and miscarriage. Perhaps it's the hormones. Everything does seem to be heightened right now.

This morning I am asking you to pray for Heidi. Heidi is the cousin of a dear friend of mine, a girl I have never met. She's experienced multiple miscarriages over the past few years. This past month she became pregnant again but after going in for routine blood work and an early ultrasound, the doctor told her this week that she would miscarry again. They wanted to schedule a D&C that day. Heidi just wasn't ready to let this one go. She was a bit confused by some conflicting reports she received so she asked the doctor to wait one day and check her levels again. Praise the Lord for Holy Spirit wisdom because when Heidi returned the next day, her HCG levels were through the roof. The doctor was stunned and decided to do an ultrasound that afternoon. Lo and behold, there it was. A heartbeat! I am sitting hear weeping even as I write this. I suppose it's because I am so excited that there is life in her womb and I am oh so thankful that this sweet woman had the wisdom to take a step back and listen to the leading of the Lord. The way I see it, she saved the life of her unborn child. What a testimony of His faithfulness.

Now I completely trust medical professionals but I also know they are human people who can sometimes make mistakes. I also know (from lots of experience) that just because the textbooks say pregnancy is supposed to go a certain way, doesn't mean that it will. This was such a reminder to me that we need to be constantly connected to the Holy Spirit to receive wisdom along our journey, no matter what it is we encounter. I am so thankful that the Lord provided me with a doctor who also receives this wisdom from Him. What a gift.

I ask you to pray for Heidi and her husband and their baby. They still have a long way to go on this journey. But I am believing that this life that was saved in her womb will grow to full term and be born healthy and to His glory.

Why Is The World Broken?

I know the answer to this question. I guess I'm posing it because the world seems particularly broken to me today. My heart is heavy and many times when it is, I question things I already know.

I have several family members going through tough times right now. I want so badly to make everything ok for everyone. . . like somehow the power of what I have come to believe will magically fix things for others. But the truth is. . .as hard as it is to walk rough roads. . .we all must walk them from time to time. Some of us more often than others. I'm not sure why.

But today my heart is particularly heavy for Angela. Angela is a girl that I do not really know. We have a mutual friend who has connected us because we've both struggled with infertility. Angela became pregnant a few months ago with triplets. A seemingly bountiful blessing for someone who has longed for a child for years. Today Angela went into premature labor at about 22 weeks and because of the lack of development of those little ones, not even one of them will see life on this earth. I know they are in heaven. . .with my babies. . .and my friend's babies. Oh the army of little ones in heaven gets larger and larger, and that I just don't understand.

Why is the world broken? I said I know the answer. . .but I think my answer is to a different question. I know how the world became broken, but truly none of us knows why. We know it came in the garden, when Adam and Eve made a poor decision that opened their eyes to good and evil. But we don't really know why the Lord allowed this brokenness to come.

My only hope right now is in the power of prayer. For months I questioned the purpose and effectiveness of prayer; after experiencing my own devastating loss. As much as I don't understand the timing involved with prayer, I do know that it works. . .not as some super-voodoo way of getting what we want, when we want it, but rather as a way to expressing to our Father our desperate need for His intervention and grace.

I confess that my prayers for our little girl have become less frequent and fervent in the past few weeks. Of course I still pray for her and this pregnancy but not as fiercely as I did my first trimester. Today has taught me in many ways that it's not over till it's over. There is never a good time to sit back, take a sigh of relief and think you've arrived. We must contend until the very end. . .and by the very end I mean when the Lord returns. As long as this world is broken (and it will be until Jesus comes), our only hope is in Him and our only comfort is to cling to Him daily.

Will you pray with me today? For my family and for Angela. That the Lord will bring quick relief and comfort during these difficult times. I don't always understand His ways - but I know He is faithful. And if I can't stand on that truth, then not even the most fervent prayers will bring wholeness to this world.

Persistence in Prayer

My 2WW has come to a close. It was a very busy two weeks. I wish I could tell you that kepy my mind from constantly wondering if there was life beginning inside of me. But it didn't. I still wondered and waited. . .

This past weekend, while I was sure I was not yet pregnant, I read in Luke about the Parable of the Persistent Widow. Jesus told his disciples that He would share this story so that they would "be encouraged to always pray and never give up." What a novel idea! And so I prayed and prayed. I utilized my right to come boldly to the throne of grace and make my petition before the Lord. If Jesus thought this widow was persistent, He hadn't seen anything yet. Check out this barren woman, Lord! I'll show you persistence. And so I asked. . .and I asked again. I continued to present my request before the Lord without wavering in my faith - all along knowing that I would have to be at peace with the answer.

This month I did not conceive. I'd like to be discouraged and confused because in this parable, the persistent widow got what she asked for right away. I wish it were that simple. I am glad that I persisted. . .that I accessed my place in the throne room and honestly poured out my heart to the Lord. Actually, although I am sad and disappointed, I feel closer to Jesus because of the time I spent petitioning before Him. I know that this intimacy is more important than any answered prayer that awaits.

And so I will start Clomid again in a few days. And I am gearing up to lay it all before Him for yet another month.