Mother's Day Thoughts

I'm not sure exactly how long I've anticipated my first mother's day, but I think pretty long. For years I sat through church fighting back tears as my mothering friends stood to be recognized. When will it be my turn? I would think. Sure, last year I was acknowledged as a mom because my belly was the size of a watermelon, but still, I longed for the day I could really be celebrated on mother's day.

The day came and went. It was a nice day and it was fun to be with close family and friends. I didn't exactly feel the heaven's open and the angels sing my praises but everyone around me made me feel special. I suppose this was my first glimpse at the fact that mothers often go unsung. It doesn't matter how sweet the card is or how long the massage is (thank you Dave and Hope for the perfect first mother's day gift - I need it! ). . . nothing can ever be an even exchange for the heart and soul that goes into mothering. I actually feel kinda lame now for all those years I tried to do something special for my mom. It was never enough.

But all gifts aside, I can honestly say the only thing that makes mothering worth it are the ones you mother. Just seeing Hope walking around in the midst of everything yesterday made my heart sing. Seeing her struggle to walk across the bathroom floor with my card shortly after she woke up, drunk from sleepiness, makes it all worth it.

So I guess, if it's not about the gifts and accolades then every day is a celebration of motherhood. Because every day that I get to see Hope grow and learn something new is its own reward for all that I've poured into her. That's probably why my mom never scoffed at my silly, little gifts and homemade cards. She knew nothing could repay her for all she'd done for us. Seeing the fruit of her labor was enough.

Oh, I think I hear my little one crying. She's had a bit of a rough day today. Time to go rock her to sleep. I guess as long as I get to keep loving and caring for my sweet girl, every day is mother's day.

The Diary of a Working Mom

It's been quite an interesting couple of weeks in regards to work. I continue to manage the inner battle of whether or not it is capable of doing this job and being a good mom. This time last week I was sure it was not. I was sure that I had heard clearly from God that it was time to move on.

I traveled last week - Nashville to Chicago to Grand Rapids to Chicago and back to Nashville. It was a crazy whirlwind with free time only to think about the baby girl I had left at home. I missed her terribly and I was bitter at the thought of missing even one moment of this crucial time in her development. Each day she takes more steps, says more words and has brand new facial expressions. Why should I miss that for a job? It just doesn't seem worth it.

While traveling home, where another crazy day of work related activities awaited me, I wrestled in my heart and mind with my current situation (as I often do) but this time I honestly felt a clear voice within me. It's time to start looking for your replacement - I heard. This job has become more than you are able to give in this season. I asked God for days if this was really Him. I've had similar responses so many times that came from my exhaustion and stress. I wanted to make sure this was really His leading. I felt that I needed to take a few important next steps. 1 - Tell Dave I think I'm supposed to quit my job. 2 - Go over the budget to make sure it was even possible. 3 - Explore a few possible contract work opportunities to make sure I could contribute something to the household finances.

Dave was supportive but not quick to help write my letter of resignation. The budget was tight. There would obviously be no new shoes in my near future. And the contract work was slim. So many companies cutting back . . . many of them doing without the extra help these days.

As I sat in the car pondering what on earth we would do to make things work, I checked the email on my phone as I often do in the car. My boss had sent me something unsolicited yet unbelievable. An email, titled "A reminder of how good you are at what you do." It said basically, "I know you still aren't sure if you can do this, but I want you to know I know you can. Know that I am praying for you as you try to create the right balance and I'm willing to look at creative ways we can do that." And then he went on to sing my praises . . . which I honestly don't think I deserve. How did he know? I hadn't yet shared my revelation with him. I had planned to do so this week.

In my meeting with him on Tuesday, I honestly shared that I had planned to come in and say we needed to look for my replacement. He wasn't surprised but looked a little relieved that I wasn't actually saying it. He proceeded to encourage me even more and then we talked about ways that we could alleviate some of the stresses and the things that invade my time at home. Things will not change overnight, but I am hopeful that they will.

I'm not sure why I thought I heard the Lord say something so clearly about a specific action I was to take, only to reveal later that I am to stay. I guess sometimes He has us walk through exercises to test our faithfulness and our willingness to walk carefully through His will. I am glad I explored the things I did, even if they did not lead to my resignation. At least now I know for sure that I have the full support of my amazing boss and an open door to discuss my situation with him honestly. I am humbled that I have such favor.

A good friend and mentor reminded me this morning over coffee that I have probably the best situation if I do have to work outside the home. My wonderful mom watches Hope while I am at the office, my amazing husband is so helpful treating every task as a team player and my in laws live within a mile of our house. The conversation reminded me that I need to focus on the grace that covers me rather than the occasional tough circumstances.

Don't get me wrong. I do not want to work this much outside my home for too much longer. But He obviously still has a plan for me in this position so for now, I'll do the best I can to serve those I work for while enjoying the benefits of bills that are paid and of course, new shoes every now and then!

What People Think

I'm one of those people who spends a lot of my thought life wondering what other people think about me or things related to me. I hate to admit that I struggle with this fear of man, but I do. I just had a conversation with a friend today that left me thinking, What do they think of me? (In regards to a specific situation). It plagued me most of the evening until I was rocking Hope to sleep and had time to think about it further. Hope has a stomach bug so she got the rock-treatment tonight!

As I sat there, overwhelmed by the events of this week and the fact that my little one is sick to the point that I may need to take her to the hospital tomorrow, I thought to myself I don't have time to care what people think of me! A righteous disgust for the schemes of the enemy rose up in me as I considered how much time I've lost to worrying about what people think. I am a pretty much full-time working mom who has to worry about my child, my husband, my clients, my family, my leadership at church and my friends. How the heck can I fit in time to ponder whether or not my clothes are cool enough or if what I said sounded stupid? I can't. . . and today I declare that I won't!

After thinking about it with this perspective, I am so embarrassed by how much my silly fear of man has robbed my thoughts. What an idiot I am to have allowed this to take over my mind. None of us has extra time on our hands that would warrant such an unproductive and even destructive use of it. I know this is something we all deal with to some extent and so tonight I felt compelled to admit the struggle and encourage each one of us to consider how we might overcome it. For me, I believe tonight's epiphany will help me take these thoughts captive. Now, anytime I encounter these plaguing thoughts, I will think about how busy I am with things that really do matter as a reminder of how little this does matter.

Our great God has created each one of us with such a unique make up as well as a very specific life story. How dare we waste time trying to figure out why we are the way we are or why our story reads differently than someone else's. Let us trust His design and instead spend our days focused on what He thinks of who we are and how our story will bring glory to Him.

Simple Thoughts, Round 2

This is an entry I owed you last week. Had every intention of posting it then but life got nutty. I know you understand. Some thoughts about living simply. . . and then I'll post a project later this week. Enjoy!

My boss sent me a video last week that was presented at a recent radio seminar here in Nashville. The video's intent, I believe was to show its viewers how other forms of media and networking may be taking its place. Sad news for radio peeps, I know. . .but even sadder news for the rest of us in how much media has overtaken our lives. I sat there with a splitting headache as I watched how many millions of people are on Facebook and how many billions of messages they are sending (many of which, I promise you come to my inbox each day). There were stats on ITunes, MySpace, Twitter and XMradio but I think the most mind-blowing nugget of info was this:

"One, daily issue of the New York Times contains more information that someone from the 18th century would have come across in their lifetime."

And to that I say. . .WTH? (That's "what the hell?" for those of you not fluent in text message talk.)

I'm one of those girls who's always thought she should have lived in the Victorian Era. After hearing this little tidbit, I'm now pretty sure that the Big Guy made a huge mistake plopping me in the 20th/21st centuries. I don't want all of this information coming at me. In fact, I don't care! I can barely remember to feed and change my child (not kidding, I forgot to feed her one afternoon last month, did I share that with you yet?). I'm sure it's possible that my little brain is smaller than some. . . even most. But who needs to know all this crap?

I've wrestled a lot with this over the past few days trying to find the balance between a desire for intelligence and progressive knowledge and simplicity and peace of mind. I've decided that for me personally - I don't have to be on twitter (so sorry to many of you who love it and love to keep in touch that way). I just can't handle knowing who's going to the bathroom and who's having coffee at the moment. No, for me. . .it's just TMI (That's "too much information" - come on people, keep up!)

In order to keep my simple mind in optimal working order, I'll need to keep the information to a healthy 21st century minimum. I really feel the need to police the amount of data that enters my brain. But that's just me. Each one of us has to create our own boundaries based on what we can handle or what we enjoy. Some of my friends love being on Facebook and Twitter all the time and they see it as a convenient and efficient way to keep in touch. That is wonderful. And I guess that's the interesting thing about progression and technology. It can be a blessing and a curse - depending on who you are talking to and how well it is working for them.

So today I encourage us all to take a moment to stop and think about the information we allow to come across our brain everyday. Is it enhancing our lives or causing more stress? Is it edifying and uplifting? Is it contributing to our personal and spiritual growth? Is it taking away from real, face to face relationships? See I'm an old fashioned girl. I'd take a thoughtful, hand-written note over someone "writing on my wall" any day! Perhaps that makes me out of touch, but I'd like to think it makes me classy.

Lol. (Uh, that's "laugh out loud" - geez, even I know that!)

Remembering Infertility

The past few months, I've been feeling badly that I haven't addressed this topic lately in my blog posts. I know a few of you that read this regularly are still believing for your miracle. It's easy to reach the other side of something and forget how you got there. But the reality is there are still thousands of women fighting for their family so I feel compelled to continue writing as the Lord would lead me to encourage those women.

Sometimes I sit and think back to the time when Dave and I were walking through our journey. Those were some of the darkest and yet most precious times of my life. I may have mentioned this in a post shortly after Hope was born - that I missed the sweetness of my sorrow. When you sit in the reality of your sorrow with Jesus, there is a certain sweetness that comes with His comfort and His love that is very different than your ordinary, everyday communion with Him. I would like so much to remove the waiting and the suffering from you precious women that I know are walking this road. I would like to help remove the God-given blinders that do not allow you to see the path in front of you. But then I would be robbing you of this sweetness I am talking about that comes with your pain.

I encourage you today . . . if you are still believing the Lord to bring life into your family (no matter how He intends to bring it), press into Him as you wait, more than you ever have before. He will cover you with His sweet comfort and His overwhelming love.

Keep hoping in Him. He's not finished with your story yet!

Simple Thoughts, Round 1

Well, I said it would happen and alas. . .it has. No time to think about a project this week. I do have one or two up my sleeve that I completed a few weeks back, but I'll save those for another day. Today I feel compelled to write something about simplicity.

This week I read a verse in Proverbs that, since my discovery of it, has provided me a mixture of motivation and fear. I'll let you read it now to decide how it makes you feel.

"A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest - and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man." Proverbs 6: 10-11

So, how do you feel? You still with me? I know. It's a bit intimidating, isn't it? At first I allowed it to be a kick in the pants for me to get off my arse and do something. I would tell myself Jess, don't be lazy. Don't be passive. Go after this stuff. Just get it done! But now, as I really consider what simplicity means for our family and our home, I have been encouraged to find a good balance between going after things and knowing when to let things go for the sake of sanity and some much needed rest.

So this week I challenge all of us to find that balance. For me it means that I am going to skip a meeting at church tonight in order to go home and get some laundry done for my family. It's just what I feel needs to be done - today. Tomorrow might look different. I might let the laundry go in order to spend time with a friend, or with Hope. Day by day, we will have the grace and wisdom we need to make the most of every moment . . . so that we can simply enjoy all of the things God has blessed us with.

Separation Anxiety

Every book, website, email blast or piece of mommy mail I read says we may be experiencing separation anxiety at this point. It makes total sense - heightened awareness, increased understanding, a deeper level of bonding. . . But the funny thing is, every time I leave Hope at my mom's house she is either eating or if I stay long enough for a cup of coffee, playing in her exersaucer and she never seems affected by my goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that she is happy and thriving with my mom (I had no doubt she would be).

This week, every time I dropped her off and headed to work I was in the worst mood. I thought maybe I was just tired or cranky because work has been ramping up but then as I walked out my mom's door yesterday morning it hit me. . . separation anxiety. The books and websites don't talk about my separation anxiety. The mommy mail doesn't address how I'll feel when I leave my little one. I think the two weeks plus I spent with Hope over the holidays ruined me for my time away from her. While I still enjoy going to work and having adult interaction and independence, my deeper connection with Hope as she grows is causing the stakes to be higher. If I am going to leave her, if I am going to miss out on even one day, it's got to be worth it.

Which leads me to the ponderings that have plagued my mind this week. Am I that passionate about my work that it is worth time away from my girl? Some days I feel like I am. Although it's not that I've ever felt a really deep passion about what I do per say, but rather a deep passion for the One I do it for. In my line of work, you spend your days navigating through artistic personalities and temperaments, insecurities and lofty ideas. It's enough to make you exhausted, if not downright sick. So although I love my clients and I am committed to serve them well, I don't do it for them. If I did, I would have given up years ago. I serve them in order to serve God and serve the people they reach with their art. I have to remind myself of this fact every now and then. . . on occasions like this that cause me to re-evaluate everything.

Today I feel called to do this work. I feel His grace over me which allows me to leave goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door and leave my child in the hands of another (thank you God it's my mother). But I can promise Hope this. . . not a day will go by without me pausing to ask the Lord if His grace still covers this. God give me the wisdom to know the answer.

Twinkle Lights and Tinkering Songs

I absolutely love the Christmas season. While I'm sure each of us has their own holiday preferences, mine consist mainly of twinkle lights and tinkering songs. I know what you are thinking. No, I'm not sure tinkering is a word, but it's the only "word" I can think of so hang with me. It will all make sense in a moment. . .

I was driving home from work last night, listening to the new lullaby Christmas album I picked up last week and being dangerously distracted by the large array of twinkle lights that adorn many of the houses along my route. There is just something lighthearted and magical about twinkle lights. I prefer the white ones, the icicle kind. They are like little drops of whimsy falling from the sky. So fun! And if the twinkle lights weren't enough to make this girl's heart leap with joy this season, I found a sweet, tinkering (there's that word again) Christmas lullaby record at Babies R Us the other day. My mom and I were shopping with Hope when the most adorable Christmas music started playing. All of your favorite Christmas songs on the xylophone or some cute, little instrument I can't spell.

You have to understand, I have really been into the xylophone and the glockenspiel since Hope was born. It all started when Dave found the Rockabye Baby Collection. When we brought Hope home from the hospital, we played the Coldplay version in the car and now I will forever have those little tinkering melodies in my heart and mind. So thus began my love affair with quirky German instruments.

But back to Christmas. . .I can't tell you how thrilled I was to find this CD. The songs are so simple and sweet. They really set the mood I am after during the holidays. Joy and wonder. And I suppose that's why I like the twinkle lights as well. Joy and wonder. That's not to say there isn't a place for the seriousness and mystery that say, Trans-Siberian Orchestra might bring to the table. There's definitely room for that and I've venture to guess my husband would take full-on Christmas rock and roll over my lullabies.

But as long as I'm in charge of the Christmas spirit in our house (I'll never officially be in charge of the music, but I can definitely influence), there will always be white twinkle lights and tinkering songs. The lightness and brightness of these things remind me of the joy we have in knowing Christ and the wonder we can experience through our relationship with Him. That's what I'm after this this season. What about you?

P.S. I've been trying to locate this CD online to post a link, but I'm not having any luck. As an alternative, I'd recommend Sufjan Stevens: Songs for Christmas if you are interested in tinkering songs. Not quite lullabies, but sweet and quirky for sure!

Simplicity or Sephora?

The other day I was in Sephora with a few girlfriends. As I was browsing through the sea of cosmetics, I quickly found myself overwhelmed and maybe even a little annoyed at the choices laid out in front of me. I went in to purchase an inexpensive yet very effective eyeliner but was bombarded by 58 other eyeliner options carrying empty promises for brighter eyes and much higher price tags.

And then for some reason my mind wandered to thoughts of Little House on the Prairie. Bear with me here, this is not quite as random as one might think. I was watching Little House for a few minutes the other day while home with my mom and Hope. We love Little House. It is wholesome and reminds us of when I was young. I kinda looked like Laura Ingles when I was little. But I digress. . .So I was walking through Sephora thinking about Little House and how times were much simpler then. Laura Ingles wasn't plagued with the pressure of making a decision between liquid or mineral makeup. No, Laura had much more important things to worry about like stuffing her dress with apples to make her bosoms look bigger. Ah, classic. I'll never forget the sight of those apples falling to the floor and rolling down the school room isle.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the simple life. Perhaps it's due to constant news headlines about our current economic state. Or perhaps it's because adding a baby and all that comes with it into your life and your home makes you want to throw everything away and live with one set of dishes and one set of sheets and one small set of clothes. Whatever the reason, I also know that the gloom and doom news reports are also making me a bit disgusted at our culture here in the USA. I realize that this economic downturn is not something to take lightly. Considering the tens of thousands of people who have lost their jobs, I take it very seriously and I pray that the Lord would provide abundantly for them. But then there are those of us who are simply living in fear because things don't look like they did 12 months ago. We can't own a big SUV anymore because gas got too high. We can't get a boob job because we didn't get that quarterly bonus (I've got three words for you . . . Laura Ingles' apples!) We can't shop at the high end supermarket for all organic food because it's just too expensive and we should save our pennies for when this thing really goes south. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe we weren't supposed to have those big, fat SUV's in the first place. Maybe we're not supposed to have 37 different mascara's to choose from. But this is the culture that the world has created. We've done this to ourselves and now I feel we need to take inventory and really prioritize in our lives.

I believe we've become so used to having stuff at our disposal that we are mistaking an opportunity to simplify as an economic downturn. We are more taken care of and richly blessed than any nation in the entire world. Yet we freak out when life happens and forces us to re-evaluate our spending and our priorities. We are now so used to choices we've let them dilute our convictions and our focus.

So I'm taking this downturn as an opportunity to take a look at my own life. Will I choose simplicity or Sephora? I know it will not be easy but I choose simplicity. Sure, there will need to be a huge paradigm shift in my thinking, but in the end I know the diligence of living with less will prepare me and my family for all that God has for us. As Christians we tend to think abundance refers to stuff. Although the Word promises us abundance, it also addresses where we need to store up our treasures. . .and it's not here on earth people!

Will you join with me in evaluating your own life? I'm not suggesting that anyone give up the things they enjoy or the blessings of their lives. No, I still plan to shop at Sephora . . . just with a different point of view. I will not be sucked in by all the choices, believing I should spend my money and try something new just because it's there. I will shop with greater restraint and discernment, obtaining only what I truly need . . . because I believe that when we can learn to live with less, we will end up having so much more.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I just put Hope down for a nap. She was a bit resistant this morning. Perhaps it's because she fell back asleep after waking at 6am and slept until 7:45! Happy Thanksgiving to mommy and daddy, we got to sleep in!

As I was rocking her in my arms (something I don't normally do however NOT getting a good nap is NOT an option this morning as the holiday festivities await us) I was getting a little frustrated with her inability to settle down. For a minute, I thought it could be a wonderful Thanksgiving moment where I rocked her and she drifted off to sleep while I pondered how thankful we are for our little miracle. The moment quickly fizzled as she squirmed and I worked hard to contain my frustration.

I went ahead and put her down in the bed even though she was still a bit wound up. She fussed for a minute or two as I headed back downstairs. I joined Dave on the living room floor, who was combing through the Thanksgiving paper trying to determine if there were any deals worth getting up for at the crack of dawn. I assure you, there are not any deals worth losing sleep over. But I'll save that for another post. Maybe tomorrow I'll address the craziness of Black Friday.

Five minutes later, I realized that Hope had drifted off. So first, I will testify that I am thankful for good naps! They are hit or miss in our house, but I'll take them when I can get them.

I realized this morning that although sweet moments are a wonderful setting for thankfulness to pour out of our hearts, we should not need them in order to see God's goodness in our lives. Dave and I have so much to be thankful for and no matter what is going on around me, I choose to focus on them today. . .this week. . .this holiday season.

We are thankful for each other (at least I can speak for myself), for our sweet, perfect little girl, for our health and God's provision in our lives, for our families - many of whom live so close (praise God!) and for so many amazing friends. The list could go on and on.

So here I sit amidst a sea of papers filled with promises of deals and stuff that will make me happy despite my having to get up at 3am to obtain them. And I could care less about any of it. I have everything I need right here with me and for that I am so thankful!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Corporate Mommy

Tonight is my first night away from Hope. I'm sitting in a hotel room typing this entry right about the time I would be home kissing her goodnight. I'm in Grand Rapids and she's at home and I'm doing surprisingly well with the whole thing. I'm sure that is because I will be home in less than 24 hours. Thank God the first trip was a short one.

It's funny because the whole "corporate mommy" thing was never a role I wanted to have. I suppose I thought I'd become a mom and then my career would slowly fizzle. I actually looked forward to that. Yet it seems the longer I wear the badge, the more permanent it seems to become. Right now I feel completely caught in the middle of career momentum and a desire to abandon it all. My bosses seem to think I can do anything (I am humbled by that fact) and keep tossing out options for new ventures and roles I could take on. All the while I keep thinking, I think I want off this crazy train. Shouldn't I want off this crazy train?

The truth is . . . some days I want off and some days I don't. Although I have some horribly stressful days filled with corporate politics and client drama, for the most part my job is enjoyable and I can see how the Lord is using it to prepare me for what's next. Yet the more ideas my bosses come up with, the harder it is to balance work and home life. I think I can be a great literary agent and an OK wife and mother and friend. Or I could be an OK literary agent and a great wife and mother and friend. I'm just not sure it's possible to be a great literary agent, a great wife, a great mother and a great friend. I realize I don't need to be perfect at everything but I'm one of those people who tends to believe if you can't be excellent at it, then why do it?

I don't feel like this is a season of great stress or deep confusion. I am simply keeping a spirit of evaluation as I journey through "corporate mommyhood." I pray He'll honor the fact that I am willing to give it all up at a second's notice if it overshadows my most important roles in life. Yet I am willing to give and to serve and to lean on Him for the strength to do so as long as He has me doing so.

Lord show me when it's time to get off this crazy train. And until then, I know your grace abounds.

FightFoca.com

This month we are all knee-deep in politics. Election. Election results. Victory speeches. Party agendas. The White House transition. It's enough to make you sick. I sat in bed the night of President elect Obama's victory speech and I wanted to throw up. I assure you this is not my attempt to raise my voice against our new Commander in Chief. I think I would be feeling the same way if McCain had given that speech. It struck me as pathetic that after all the mud slinging and dirt digging that both of these men stood on the podium that night praising one another. What a load of shit (sorry mom, there's no other word to describe it).

After I put my personal response to their meaningless speeches aside, I decided that the God I serve is sovereign and I believe He places people in leadership. So although I do not understand His method, I trust His heart. My pastor shared on Sunday that we need to respect the fact that Obama is our new president and pray hard for him to have the wisdom he needs to lead this country. He even pointed out that while Obama might be considered "inexperienced" for the task, he didn't know one person whose resume would qualify them to be the leader of the free world. I agree wholeheartedly with these thoughts and I am asking the Lord to give me peace in my heart and a sharp mind that remembers daily to lift up this country and its new leader.

With that said, there is just one issue I cannot settle in my heart. A few weeks ago you might have heard me saying that I'm not a one issue voter, that I wouldn't vote on the issues but rather character because I don't believe the issues can be fought through political means. While my boss touted his strong views on abortion and it being the only thing that matters in selecting the next president, I stood my ground believing it didn't matter what the president thought because he couldn't change someone's heart on the issue. "Abortion is a heart issue", I would say. "Even if abortion is illegal, women will still find a way to do it if they wanted. We have to change their hearts, not the law."

Today I received an email about the Freedom of Choice Act. The email led me to a website http://www.fightfoca.com/ where I could sign a petition against this legislation that Obama is promising to pass. While visiting the site to sign the petition I watched a video of Obama and his promise to make the passing of this act "the first thing he does as President." Now, I work in the entertainment industry so I am well aware of the miracle of video editing and how it can make something sound. So I'm not completely naive to think that Obama meant his little Planned Parenthood speech the way it came across. Yet although I watched with mixed feelings of cynacism and sadness, I was mostly grieved by the fact that such a law has even a fighting chance of becoming a reality. The video showed a young woman asking about a woman's rights and how he would secure those rights. This of course is when he raised his voice in true democratic fashion declaring that he would pass this act as President. All I could think was, What's with this woman? She planning to get knocked up? Why is it so important to HER to be able to terminate a pregnancy? It just struck me as odd that the right to choose would mean so much to a woman who would likely not ever need to choose.

So I have to ask the question - do any of us really know what we are fighting for? I think we get so caught up in the fight that many times we forget what we are fighting for. These women who fight for their right to choose simply want the
freedom to "fix" their mistakes or save themselves if ever faced with the choice of their life or their unborn child's. I realize there are cases where abortion could mean saving a mother's life but I know those cases are so rare and thus do not believe they deem this legislation across the board. I suppose being someone of faith it's easy for me to say He is sovereign and we shouldn't mess with His plan no matter how horrible it may seem. Still, I know what I am fighting for. To me, it's not about the circumstances surrounding the situation. Mistake or not. Rape or not. Risk or not. You either believe it's a life or you don't. Period. And the hard truth is, it is a life and we must behave accordingly.

I think I was very wrong about voting on the issues. I actually did end up voting in favor of the right to life but that was not my reasoning behind it. I voted on character and my gut feeling yet I didn't win. He didn't win. But although I am grieved by what could be a horrible reality for millions of innocent babies, I know He is still on the throne and nothing comes as a surprise to Him. Still, I am now compelled to make this issue an even greater matter of prayer. If we are going to fight, then our best strategy is to fight in intercession for our leaders to have wisdom and revelation of the truth.

Proverbs 31

I have been compelled lately to study this passage - Proverbs 31 - with great depth. Perhaps it is because I am working so hard right now to balance my role as a wife and mother and employee. I have felt such a great weight in the past few weeks in trying to do all things well. I'm afraid I fail miserably every day.

As I read through this passage today - one I've read probably a hundred times, I thought, What Ev! Who on earth can live up to this? I was immediately discouraged, yet the desire to be this woman became greater and greater in my heart.

I circled and underlined several words and phrases. And although I don't want this to become a list that I must live up to, I do want to note them here as a reminder to us all that we are called to these things. I'm sure many of you feel the same overwhelming weight when you look at this list. I know I am not alone. But I don't want my fear of these things to deter me from aspiring to them. Here are some of the characteristics of a Proverbs 31 woman:

She is:
capable
trustworthy
enriching
helpful
busy
a planner
inspecting
earning
a planter
energetic
strong
a hard worker
watching for bargains (ok, I have achieved this one! : )
extending a helping hand
opening her arms to the needy
not walking in fear
dignified
laughing with no fear of the future
kind
careful
watchful
blessed by her children
praised by her husband
rewarded

Wow! What a woman. I want to be her so badly.

And on that note, I'd better go tend to the laundry. At least now I have a holy motivation when I put my hand to things.

The Shack (Part 2)

Yes. . .I am still reading The Shack. I know it's sad. I'm a new mom - give me a break! I am almost done though. I'm only able to read a chapter a night before dozing off, so it's a slow process. And then I went out of town, yada, yada. Silly me thought I might be able to finish it on the plane. Yeah right, not with a 5 month old on your lap!

So back to the book. . .last night I read the chapter where Papa takes Mack on a journey of forgiveness. Like I said before, I can't say I agree with every little theological detail but once again this encounter with God gave me such a sweet picture of our relationship with Him. The way He lead Mack to the place of forgiveness, understood how difficult it was for him to forgive, yet pushed him until he forgave because He knew it would bring freedom. And it did. It brought freedom and deep understanding of what God did in order to forgive each one of us. Such a beautiful picture!

I'm sure I'll be able to say lots more once I finally wrap up this story. But for now, I still give it two thumbs up! This book has been very timely for me. At a time where perhaps new motherhood, stress, and great transition has made me re-evaluate my relationship with the Lord, I have this somewhat allegorical companion to my thought process. It could be dangerous to put too much weight on that so I will not. But I believe the Lord uses art to show us small glimpses of Himself. Hopefully if we are walking closely with Him, those glimpses will enhance our current view of the Lord, not overshadow it.

So here's to a greater view. I really hope the ending doesn't ruin it. . .

My Inconvenient Truth

Yesterday I found myself a bit early for a coffee meeting so I decided to run into Publix to pick up a few things. I only had about seven minutes to spare but these days, seven baby-free minutes means a lot so I ran into the store to grab some birthday cards. My seven minutes quickly turned to about thirty seconds and I ran to the shortest line hoping to jet out of there as fast as I could.

Have I ever mentioned that I have the spiritual gift of picking the longest line? Without fail, I always choose the wrong line. This time, I chose the line with a very sweet, disabled man. He was thorough and friendly and kind and. . . did I mention thorough? I told myself immediately that I would be patient and allow this man to serve me the way he desired to serve. Although I hate to be late, I knew that I could not allow a reaction to this inconvenience. The more thorough he got, the more I felt impatience rise up within me and then I simply heard the Lord say, "His inconvenience is far greater than yours." With that I stood there smiling, ready to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. He was such a sweet man and you could tell he had a great desire to be excellent at what he did. It was a beautiful thing.

I walked out of there a few minutes late for my appointment but it turned out the girl I was meeting was running late herself. No harm done at all and a really great lesson for me. I don't want to ever think so highly of myself and my schedule that I miss out on appreciating the beauty of God's people. This sweet man was serving with all his heart and I was honored to be on the receiving end. I can only hope to carry a heart like his.

The Shack

This month I joined the hundreds of thousands of people who have read or are reading the book, The Shack. I have to admit, I was hesitant at first. I'm not usually one to jump on a bandwagon. Actually, I usually avoid all bandwagons as much as possible. And I had heard so many mixed reviews of the book that ran the gamut from some people absolutely praising the work to others questioning its theology. I suppose the main factor that pulled me toward the book was the fact that it is basically the biggest self-publishing phenomenon of the century (I realize we're not all that far into this century, but you get what I mean). As someone who works in the publishing industry, I couldn't help myself but to explore why so many people have been magnetically drawn to this story.

I'm only half way through, but I continue to be intrigued by this little book. I don't want to give too much away but I'll share that the main character encounters the trinity (God the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit) at "the shack", represented by three very unique and quirky characters. Do I think it is theologically sound to use a big, black woman named Papa to represent God the Father? Not completely. But I'm lead to ask the question, does that really matter? Surely it isn't the physical make up of God that matters (seeing as how He doesn't actually have a physical make up) but rather how the heart and character of Him are portrayed. I'm sure it's much easier to accept C.S Lewis' character of Aslan as a picture of Christ because a lion has been used to represent God in the Word and beyond.

As I was reading last night, I came to a very tender moment in the story where Mack (the main character) is sitting and talking to Jesus (represented by a Jewish Carpenter named Jesus - not a huge stretch of the imagination). Mack tells Jesus how it's so much easier to talk to him than God (Papa or Elouisa as "she" is also called - let's not get into the gender thing ok?) and the Holy Spirit (an Asian woman named Sarayu). Jesus responds by explaining to Mack that he is meant to be the relational "arm" of the three. He explains that he (Jesus) encompasses all of the best of the character of God and the Holy Spirit and is meant to make those things tangible and relational for people (I am completely paraphrasing here based on what I took away from the text). I'm still chewing on all of the theology involved here but I closed the book and went to sleep with such a tender image of my Jesus. Without over thinking the theology involved, this conversation allowed me to imagine such an accessible savior. . . one that allows the very supernatural nature of God and the Holy Spirit to be right within my grasp. Suddenly, the love of the Father and the power of the Holy Spirit seems a little more real to me.

I figure if this story can open my eyes, it's likely that the eyes of many have been opened to such relationship. And I'm only half way through! Again, I am not saying I agree with every aspect of the method or the story line, but it seems to me this book is simply striking an emotional chord with people who want to see God more realistically. I'm sure many non-believers have picked up this book as well. I pray they will take every bit of truth out of its pages and turn that revelation into a real relationship with Christ.

I'm sure I'll post again before I'm done reading The Shack. But I've been struck so hard already by this book, I just had to share. I recommend anyone picking it up. . . but make sure you read it with an open mind!

The Wisdom of CS Lewis

“We are not exactly doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” - CS Lewis

This is one of those quotes that makes you stand up and shout, YES! I read this while I was walking out my infertility journey and it provided me a mixture of sadness and hope. Sadness, as I realized the reality that the pain of waiting could go on for quite some time. Hope, as I clung tightly to the promise that He would do what was best for us - no matter what that meant.

In the end, our pain relatively paled in comparison to that of others. But I hope to carry this truth with me and remember it as I continue to walk through life. There will be many more roads that we travel, for ourselves and for others that will require our willingness to walk through pain in order to reach His best.

There are moments of questioning the pain . . . but I will always trust the outcome.

Week One Back in the "Real World"

I suppose I should use the term "real world" very lightly considering the fact that I work in the entertainment industry. It doesn't very much feel like the real world most of the time!

Things have been going very well at work. I'm busy enough to keep my mind off not being with Hope but not busy enough that I feel overwhelmed and want to quit. I'm sure my boss would be relieved to know that. I have to admit I've battled this feeling that nothing I am doing is as important as the little life that waits for me back home. Would I rather work on that sales report or teach my baby girl something new today? Sales report? Baby girl? Sales report? Baby girl?

One good thing that I think will come out of my situation is my being very purposeful when I AM home with Hope. I'm sure all of us moms can tend to get lazy when trying to be diligent with our kids all the time. . .or maybe that's just me. I think if I was home with her everyday, it would get old to me and I'd get lazy in my time with her. Maybe it's really sad that I'm admitting this. For now, I know that three days a week she's getting the best of my mom who will play with her and teach her things. By the time I get home to her on Thursday nights, I've missed her so much and I'm so excited to get into her world that she then gets the best of me. I believe it's a good balance for me and for Hope.

As long as it doesn't get to the point where I am so overwhelmed that she is getting "leftover mommy," I am thankful for our situation. The Lord has abundantly provided everything we've needed up until this point, I know that provision will continue each step of the way! And someday, when it is time for me to stay home with her full time (and I do hope for that day), He will then provide all the grace I need to give her the best of myself every day of the week. I guess I'm glad I get to ease into it!

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be A Mom. . .

I kept saying that I still didn't really feel like a mom yet. Everything has been so surreal and unbelievable that it just hadn't sunk in. I would look at Hope and think, is she really mine? Am I responsible for this life? That was. . .until today.

Today we had Hope's two-month check up. All you moms out there know exactly what's coming. . .SHOTS! Yes, we endured the dreaded "first shot visit" today with our sweet girl. Dave came with us, thank God. I would not have made it without him there. After much prayer and deliberation, we determined that she should receive all five shots today. Three in one leg, two in the other.

After shot number one, she didn't make a peep. Dave and I looked at each other and thought, cool! Just then, the nurse blurted out, "Oh, I meant to tell you it doesn't usually kick in until shot #2." And then it came. . .the most horrible sound I have ever heard in my entire life. . .my child's cry of pain. With shot #'s 3, 4 and 5 it got worse and worse until I thought I was going to die. I stood there weeping. I looked over at Dave and he was crying too. I'm not talking sad little teary eyes. We were both balling by the end of it. I took her in my arms and tried to comfort her while I listened to her cry cries I have never heard come out of her. She calmed down a bit, letting out only little whimpers and sighs and at that moment, as I held her close, I knew I was her mom. I finally felt like her mom.

I think I now know what it means to be a parent. The idea that you allow your child to go through a little bit of pain because you know it's a means to a better end completely encompasses parenting. I realize this is just the tip of the iceberg for that truth. I guess there will be many more tears to come for Hope and for us!

P.S. I return to work tomorrow. Yet another milestone on this journey. Please pray for peace and strength as we make this transition. I am so thankful I get to leave her with my mom!

Dirty Little Secrets

So almost every day I watch Rachael Ray at 3pm central standard time. Most of the time, Hope is sleeping - although today I took about 6 trips up the stairs during the three o clock hour and she just finally drifted off at 4:15. I just love Rachael Ray. Sure, she doesn't share all of my values, but she's pretty down to earth and her shows are more helpful and informative than gossipy. And so I watch whenever I can.

Today she had on two women that authored the books, "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" and "Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Imperfect Moms." The latter book was the focus of the show. Rachael even had moms send in videos with their dirty little mom secrets (more about mom-light savings time later). I found myself getting really into their tips and tricks. Ha, Ha, Ha. I thought. I may be a new mom, but I'm not crazy. I'm only 2 months in, but all moms feel like this from time to time. They all fudge a little just to get a break.

And then I felt that tug on my heart and I knew I needed to guard myself against jumping on board this train. I'm sure the book is really cute and the dirty little secrets are silly and harmless but if I'm looking for fun ways out already, I'm in for trouble. It's not that I think it's wrong for a mom to turn all of her clocks ahead to trick her children into going to bed an hour early, just so she can take a bubble bath. No way sister. If that's what that mother of 8 year old twins needed to do, more power to her! It's just that I felt a place of comfort, identifying with moms who are burned out and tired of trying to be perfect. I related all too well already, thinking that's totally going to be me.

I don't want that to be me. I have no desire to be supermom but more importantly, I have no desire to try to be supermom only to fall short every day and hate myself for it. I just want to be a peaceful and diligent mom who is led by the Spirit to do what is best for Hope, no matter what other moms think or do. I'm sure there will be times when I fudge a bit. . .bend the "rules" or throw the schedule out the window. That's the fun and flexible part of the mom I want to be.

I think all in all, balance is the key. We can't take ourselves or our job as a mom too seriously, yet we need to go after it with excellence and diligence. I'm not sure I've found the secret to attaining this balance (after all I'm only 2 months in) but I am committed to get there. . .for her sake and for mine.

P.S. I decided not to get that book just yet. I don't think it's best for this rookie to learn the secrets too soon. Although I think I will pick it up at some point once I have a little more time under my belt as a mom.