Remembering Infertility

The past few months, I've been feeling badly that I haven't addressed this topic lately in my blog posts. I know a few of you that read this regularly are still believing for your miracle. It's easy to reach the other side of something and forget how you got there. But the reality is there are still thousands of women fighting for their family so I feel compelled to continue writing as the Lord would lead me to encourage those women.

Sometimes I sit and think back to the time when Dave and I were walking through our journey. Those were some of the darkest and yet most precious times of my life. I may have mentioned this in a post shortly after Hope was born - that I missed the sweetness of my sorrow. When you sit in the reality of your sorrow with Jesus, there is a certain sweetness that comes with His comfort and His love that is very different than your ordinary, everyday communion with Him. I would like so much to remove the waiting and the suffering from you precious women that I know are walking this road. I would like to help remove the God-given blinders that do not allow you to see the path in front of you. But then I would be robbing you of this sweetness I am talking about that comes with your pain.

I encourage you today . . . if you are still believing the Lord to bring life into your family (no matter how He intends to bring it), press into Him as you wait, more than you ever have before. He will cover you with His sweet comfort and His overwhelming love.

Keep hoping in Him. He's not finished with your story yet!

The Wisdom of CS Lewis

“We are not exactly doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” - CS Lewis

This is one of those quotes that makes you stand up and shout, YES! I read this while I was walking out my infertility journey and it provided me a mixture of sadness and hope. Sadness, as I realized the reality that the pain of waiting could go on for quite some time. Hope, as I clung tightly to the promise that He would do what was best for us - no matter what that meant.

In the end, our pain relatively paled in comparison to that of others. But I hope to carry this truth with me and remember it as I continue to walk through life. There will be many more roads that we travel, for ourselves and for others that will require our willingness to walk through pain in order to reach His best.

There are moments of questioning the pain . . . but I will always trust the outcome.

And I Thought Making Her Was Hard!

The other night as Dave and I were struggling to make it through one of Hope's meltdowns, I exclaimed to him through tear-filled eyes, "I thought making her was hard. . .having her is so much harder!" I hate even admiting that. I suppose I thought that since I longed for her for so long that I wouldn't mind all of the hardships that come with a newborn. Oh how our flesh is quick to forget what got us to this point. As I processed my feelings a bit more last night (this being a dangerous thing to do during the postpartum period), I couldn't stop crying and I realized that I am so overwhelmed by the reality of her that I'm not enjoying the miracle that she is. I don't want to miss out on these early moments of being able gaze into her sweet eyes and thank the Lord for allowing us to have her. But for some reason, I'm having a really hard time figuring her out and getting into a groove with her. I know, I know. . .she's only 3 weeks old. But I feel it's so important to establish good habits and consistency early on. How can I be consistent when she is so inconsistent?

Dave has been such a support to me and to Hope in these early weeks. He's so wonderful with her and with me. I feel so badly when she is screaming and then I start crying. He's then got two girls with tears on his hands. . .but he responds like a strong man of God every time. Last night he reminded me of my post from October 3, 2007, shortly after we found out we'd conceived again. He read back to me the prayer of declaration I wrote and spoke over my and Hope's life every day of my pregnancy. He encouraged me that this new season is just another step on the journey and that I should cover it again with another prayer of faith. So here it goes. . .

Lord, I declare that You have anointed me to be the mother of Hope. Your Word says that "You are able to make all grace abound to me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work" (2 Corinthians 9). Today I ask that the Spirit of Wisdom and Peace be on me and in me, providing everything that I need to steward and guide Hope as she adjusts to life on this earth. In Jesus name I declare that I will not let fear or outside advice get in the way of hearing Your voice as I look to You to guide our days. Give me patience and strategy to know just what Hope needs, everyday. I thank You Father for the gift of Hope. May my life and hers bring honor to You. Amen.

So many people told me that this would be the hardest yet most rewarding thing I'll ever do. I now understand exactly what that means.

Caroline Hope Wolstenholm Is Here!

It seems a little surreal to sit here in the hospital and type this entry. I guess you could say I'm officially on the other side of infertility now. The realization of our hope has come to fruition.

This morning we joyfully announce the arrival of our little girl, Caroline Hope Wolstenholm.

Baby Hope arrived Wednesday, May 14th at 8:05 pm, weighing 6 lbs 11 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long.

We are all doing very well, basking in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.

Here are a few pictures from our day. It was rough (to say the least) but of course, worth every second.

I will post more later.

A Change of Plans. . .

I can't believe I haven't written about all this yet. It's just been such a whirlwind this past week. About a week ago I started having some really serious pain. I actually thought I might be in labor. Silly me doesn't know what labor feels like. I went to the doctor and she suspected that I had a kidney stone. I was admitted to the hospital and long story short, I do in fact have a kidney stone! It was very painful and of course there isn't much they can do for me while I am pregnant. I did have a procedure where they inserted a stint to keep it from getting stuck (I guess). I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it is.

The good news is. . . all of this drama is allowing for our sweet baby girl to be born a bit earlier. Actually, tomorrow! This is not at all how I envisioned it happening and it's a bit sooner than expected, but how can I complain that I will get to hold her and look at her a few weeks earlier than I thought I would? Dave and I really have a peace about it. Of course I am glad that an early delivery will bring some relief to my discomfort, but I really haven't even been thinking about that so much as I have been thinking about the opportunity to finally see Hope!

We ask for your prayers as we go in tomorrow at 6 am. I'm 37 and 1/2 weeks so there should be no complications, but we are still declaring and believing that Hope will be perfectly formed and ready to face the world. We also ask that you would pray that my delivery goes smoothly. I have no idea how this kidney stone will affect how I feel during delivery, but thank God for the drugs! Now I know for sure that I am supposed to allow myself relief during the labor and delivery. We also have a great peace about that.

We'll post a report and pictures as we are able this week. I can hardly believe this journey is coming to a close in the next few days. Sure, it will extend beyond this as we get settled into life with Caroline Hope, but this week there is fulfillment - over 2 years in the making. It's amazing to think about how He's carried us through. He is so good and so faithful.

So here we go. . .

Baby Hope Update

I know it's sad that it takes me 4 days to post an update from my last appointment. We've been rushing to get the nursery ready this weekend so I was up to my eyeballs in paint and what not. Rushing, not so much because it needs to be done for the baby - I do have 8 weeks left. . . rushing more so because it needs to be done for mommy. Partly because I am excited (isn't that normal?) but mostly because the pile of cardboard and styrofoam from the furniture covering the upstairs floor is driving me nuts. I can't stand to look at it another day! So tonight I will return home to a freshly painted room and will watch my husband put together the crib and load in the dresser so that I can clean up the mess that is stressing me out. I'll post some pictures of the room once we get it a little further along.

We received a great report on Friday. We did another ultrasound to check her growth. Everything looks wonderful. She weighs approximately 4.1 lbs. I am extremely happy to have a healthy baby however I must admit, when I do the math according to everything I've heard about how fast they grow in the last 8 weeks, I'm a little nervous that I'm going to have a huge baby on my hands! Wolstenholm babies are known to be on the big side so I'm not completely surprised. That coupled with the diabetes pretty much means I'm out of luck with the thought of having a tiny, little girl. On the other hand, I have heard that their growth can slow down a bit. But I feel weird praying for that.

Seriously though, as long as she's healthy I am happy. Although I just might be begging my doctor for a c-section in a couple of weeks. I guess we'll see.

May 23rd!

This week, Dave and I scheduled my induction for May 23rd! It's hard to believe there's a date in sight for our pre-baby journey to come to a close. Perhaps it will be a little anti-climactic, but we felt that with all of the possible complications that gestational diabetes has to offer, we should play it safe and have Hope a little early. Of course I don't mind at all. I absolutely cannot wait to hold her. I got over my fear of induction and my fantasies of having an uneventful, natural birth and I just determined that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this experience healthy and peaceful for me and for Dave and for her. I realize she could come earlier if she decides to and that I would welcome. We plan to have everything done by May 1 just so we can enjoy our last few weeks of freedom and be completely ready and peaceful for her arrival.

But let me tell you, the list of things to do is growing and becoming more and more overwhelming. I'm not sure why women feel the need to have everything in perfect order before they welcome a new life into their home . . . like somehow we have to achieve complete financial success, domestic order and world peace before we can give our attention fully to a newborn. I just keep thinking Oh gosh, we need to get on a strict budget. I need to transfer our finances into Quicken. I need every piece of paper in my home office to be filed tightly. My kitchen cabinets are kinda messy, I should reorganize those before the baby comes. Goodness, there is no way I can do it all in the next 2 months! I need to find a stinkin' pediatrician first!

So here I sit, to do list in hand, with 70 days left until my life changes forever. And I'm pretty sure that as soon as I take one look at her sweet face, I'll forget all about these silly, little chores. They will get done, eventually. But I'll only welcome my baby girl into this world once. And from then on, she'll be number one on my list.

Our Song of Hope

I know this is going to sound a little crazy, but in the past week as I've looked ahead to finally having a child, I've become a little sad that our season of sorrow will officially come to a close. I told you it was going to sound crazy. I'm not even sure if I can quite explain it.

Maybe I've held on so tightly to expectation and hope for so long that I'm afraid fulfillment will be a little disappointing or that I won't have something this big to look forward to. I think more accurately, what I am feeling is a little gap between myself and my sweet Jesus that only His blessings can create. What I mean is. . . I believe when you are walking through a valley, you are clinging so tightly to Him that your sorrow seems almost sweet. You feel tired and worn and disappointed yet completely covered by His love and His hope. I think I've mentioned this before. It really is bitter sweet. And not that I have come anywhere close to having arrived, but now I feel like my "lack of need" has placed something in between us. I know the truth is that I will always need to cling to Him for strength and direction. Yet the way I am turning towards Him now seems different and I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if that's just the way it is.

I know that if I lack anything in the way of my closeness to Him, it is no gap that pure praise and adoration won't fill when I honestly throw my hands up and thank Him for this miracle. I suppose that is the natural progression of our walk as we trust Him for things. Our praise turns to hope and then our hope turns to praise. And then somewhere down the line we need a little more hope so we go on praising. . . and so on.

It seems even more fitting now when thinking all of this through that the name we've chosen for our little girl is Caroline Hope. She will wear a banner over her life that means, "Song of Hope" because our path to giving her life was paved by our song of hope and our longing for her is that she will turn and be a sweet song of hope to everyone she encounters on her own journey of life.

Loud Speaker Lullabies

The appointment went well on Friday. So sorry I didn't post sooner. I didn't get online all weekend. It was pretty busy.

Thursday night we had another childbirth education class at the hospital. We watched the epidural video and let me just tell you. . .that video was scarier than the natural birth video! I think it almost talked me out of getting the drugs!

As we were sitting in class on Thursday night, all of a sudden, over the loud speaker you could hear the song "lullaby" playing. We all stopped and wondered what it was when our instructor said, "Oh, a baby has just been born." It hadn't happened yet while we were in class. I didn't even know the hospital did this, but apparently every time a baby is born, they play that little song for the whole hospital to hear. A few minutes later, it happened again. Busy night.

It wasn't until that very moment that I remembered that Thursday, January 24th was my due date with our last baby. I was sad for just a moment and I turned to Dave and said, "Oh, wow. I didn't remember until just now, this was my due date." He didn't remember either. I didn't stay sad, however it was weird to think I could have had a baby this week. Although I would have loved to know that little girl, it's hard to be sad when you've come to terms with the soveriegnty of God and when you are in the midst of a miracle that He is completing.

I suppose I felt the reality of redemption as I sat there and thought about it briefly. He chose to take our first little girl to heaven, and although this is something we may never fully understand, in His great mercy and grace, He chose to bless us with another little girl that we declare we will get to know and love on this earth.

I'm in the midst of that part of the season where 4 months to go seems so long yet perhaps not long enough to fully prepare for this life change. There's so much to do and get ready for both physically and mentally. But part of me just can't wait to have her here, with us.

Right now I am praying for patience and peace and wisdom and grace as I wait for that miracle moment when our baby's life will bring loud-speaker lullabies.

A New Snapshot

We were able to get a little better picture of our girl so I thought I'd go ahead and post it. It's just amazing to be able to see her so often inside my womb. . .watching her grow already. Just knowing all the intricate details that the Lord is fashioning makes it that much easier to walk in faith. How can you not believe as you watch this process?

Completion?

Today I am doing a lot more reflecting on the past year. Of course, isn't that what we all do? On this day last year, I remember crying a lot. We had recently had our first miscarriage. . .we were living in a temporary home, waiting for ours to be built. . .I was very overwhelmed at work. . .I just felt like I hadn't accomplished anything in 2006. Emotionally and spiritually, I felt like I was worse off at the end of the year then when it began. I remember thinking I really hope 2007 is better than this.

A few weeks later, my pastor shared with us his vision for 2007. He declared 2007 a year of completion for us. Of course, I had so many of my own ideas about what that would and should look like. It didn't really turn out like I had planned, but I am so thankful to stand here today at the end of 2007. I have joy in my heart as I look back over 2007 with no regrets. . .and I have hope as I look to 2008 for those things that have not yet been completed.

This year marked so many wonderful things. My parents moved to town (the first time I've had them close for over 12 years), Dave finally got a new job and because of that provision, I was able to cut back my hours at work. Dave and I became leaders of a small group at church and although we were a little scared at first to lead, we are loving this new family that has grown together this year. And last but not least of course, we are now 18 weeks pregnant with our little girl!

This year also marked many hard and sorrowful things. We miscarried our baby girl over the summer and then endured fertility treatment (not too extensive, but never really that fun) to conceive this child. We've walked with my parents who have had a bit of a difficult time transitioning here and my brother and his wife lost a baby to miscarriage right before Christmas.

I purpose to be joyful over the triumphs and hopeful through the tragedies. I know that although 2007 was a year of completion in many ways. . .like I said before, He just isn't finished yet. Sure, I would have loved for Him to wrap it all up nicely with a little bow in time for Christmas this year. . .but He did not. And so I continue to hope and to believe and to not lose heart.

I continue to pray for all of you. . .that you will have the same mixture of joy and hope as you move into 2008. He is working it all together for our good.

Why Is The World Broken?

I know the answer to this question. I guess I'm posing it because the world seems particularly broken to me today. My heart is heavy and many times when it is, I question things I already know.

I have several family members going through tough times right now. I want so badly to make everything ok for everyone. . . like somehow the power of what I have come to believe will magically fix things for others. But the truth is. . .as hard as it is to walk rough roads. . .we all must walk them from time to time. Some of us more often than others. I'm not sure why.

But today my heart is particularly heavy for Angela. Angela is a girl that I do not really know. We have a mutual friend who has connected us because we've both struggled with infertility. Angela became pregnant a few months ago with triplets. A seemingly bountiful blessing for someone who has longed for a child for years. Today Angela went into premature labor at about 22 weeks and because of the lack of development of those little ones, not even one of them will see life on this earth. I know they are in heaven. . .with my babies. . .and my friend's babies. Oh the army of little ones in heaven gets larger and larger, and that I just don't understand.

Why is the world broken? I said I know the answer. . .but I think my answer is to a different question. I know how the world became broken, but truly none of us knows why. We know it came in the garden, when Adam and Eve made a poor decision that opened their eyes to good and evil. But we don't really know why the Lord allowed this brokenness to come.

My only hope right now is in the power of prayer. For months I questioned the purpose and effectiveness of prayer; after experiencing my own devastating loss. As much as I don't understand the timing involved with prayer, I do know that it works. . .not as some super-voodoo way of getting what we want, when we want it, but rather as a way to expressing to our Father our desperate need for His intervention and grace.

I confess that my prayers for our little girl have become less frequent and fervent in the past few weeks. Of course I still pray for her and this pregnancy but not as fiercely as I did my first trimester. Today has taught me in many ways that it's not over till it's over. There is never a good time to sit back, take a sigh of relief and think you've arrived. We must contend until the very end. . .and by the very end I mean when the Lord returns. As long as this world is broken (and it will be until Jesus comes), our only hope is in Him and our only comfort is to cling to Him daily.

Will you pray with me today? For my family and for Angela. That the Lord will bring quick relief and comfort during these difficult times. I don't always understand His ways - but I know He is faithful. And if I can't stand on that truth, then not even the most fervent prayers will bring wholeness to this world.

It's a. . .

We had a great appointment on Thursday. Heather sneaked us into the ultrasound room and asked the tech to do a quick check to see what we are having. The girl that was there on Thursday happens to be the one that did our 12 week ultrasound with the last baby, so I think she was so excited to see us back at almost 16 weeks and thus was willing to do whatever it took to get us an answer.

At first she wasn't too sure. I don't see a penis, she kept saying. (Why is it ok to say penis 15 times when talking about a little one?) But she wasn't 100% sure. Then, at the very last minute, we got such a clear look, there was no question about it.

It's a girl!!!

I chose not to post the ultrasound picture. That angle they need to take is not very lady like. . .and I don't want my sweet girl starting out her life with indecent pictures on the internet. We'll have another look in 3 weeks and I'll get a nice photo to post of her.

Dave and I are so excited to know and attach more identity to this child. Of course, I've already gone out and bought a few cute girlie outfits and I can't stop dreaming about the nursery.

The Lord is so faithful and now that we know who is growing inside of me, it makes us even more grateful to Him for this life.

Boy or Girl?

I haven't written in a little while. I guess I've been so wrapped up with this diabetes thing. Intricately planning every meal and watching the clock to check your blood sugar really does consume your mind! But I'm happy to say I'm doing pretty well. I'm not eating all that much. 1800 calories per day. . .which feels like I'm on a diet. I thought you weren't supposed to diet when you were pregnant! I went to a holiday party last night and I am so proud to say I didn't have any dessert. There was toffee, cookies, brownie trifle and coconut fudge torte. And me, I had nothing! Woo hoo! That is quite an accomplishment.

This morning I am going in for my next OB appointment. It's funny how every time I go in I get the same nervous feeling. I think no matter how far along I am, I will always battle this. I'm pressing into the Lord for peace and I'm trying to believe with all my might. . .but I have to admit, I've really battled fear lately. I've learned that it's ok to be honest with these emotions, but I just can't stay there. I will continue to declare that there is strong life growing inside of me. . . that He is faithful to complete this.

My doctor is actually going to try and look to see what we are having today. She said there's a 50/50 chance she'll be able to tell. The ultrasound tech in her office was able to tell on herself when she was pregnant at 13 weeks. I'm hoping, but not too much. If not today, we'll know in about a month. I have felt for a while that it's a boy. . .but I've had 3 dreams that it's a girl. So at this point, I'm not going to try to call it either way.

So off I go. . .to another milestone moment. I know there will be many more of them to come on this journey. I will not stop contending for victory and for this child!

Christmas Without Sweets. . .

Well, it seems that will be my reality. My doctor called today to say I failed my second glucose screening which means I do in fact have gestational diabetes. My first reaction was to cry. Do I really need one more thing to worry about in this pregnancy? (My sweet friend Kristy is laughing right now because she totally understands what I mean.)

But. . .I've pulled myself together and I've decided that this is a good thing. I've needed a good kick in the pants for a long time now in the area of diet and exercise. I was doing so well a few years back. . .getting into a routine, working out, eating better. Then as each month passed and our "journey to starting a family" became harder, I lost the will to fight for this part of my life.

Of course I had it in me to fight for a baby. . .but that's just about all I had in me. I remember telling my friend, "I just can't fight two battles at once." Although I think the Lord understood my exhaustion, I also think He was waiting there all along ready to give me the strength to fight it all.

My doctor told me that I probably couldn't have prevented this earlier with diet and exercise (thank God or I'd be feeling really guilty right now), so this might be exactly what I need to finish this battle and claim not only a healthy child, but a healthy mama as well.

So there you have it. I probably won't partake in many of the wonderful delicacies that my family will prepare this Christmas. Those of you that are familiar with my sweet tooth understand how disappointing this is. Yet it's funny how everything comes into view when you are getting ready to become a parent and be responsible for another life. My husband's English trifle or a healthy baby. . .trifle. . .baby. . .trifle. . .baby. I think you know which one I'd choose, any time of the year.

Second Trimester?

Today I am 13 weeks! I think this marks the beginning of my second trimester. It's hard to tell though. Every book and website says something different. Oh well. I've just decided that this is my second trimester. Woo hoo!

I'm feeling pretty good. I don't have much nausea if any at all. My back still hurts but I feel like I have more energy. I'm looking forward to feeling good and starting to show!

The doctor's office called yesterday to tell me my glucose screen came back positive. This just means that there is a possibility I could have gestational diabetes. This is pretty common for women with PCOS, since we are already insulin resistant and pregnancy makes you more insulin resistant. I don't feel worried about this but it's another complication that is getting in the way of our total peace. I go in Friday morning for a 3 hour screening. So I suppose I'll know early next week if I actually have it.

We ask you all to pray that everything comes back normal. Although gestational diabetes is common and is treatable. . .I would just rather have everything be in alignment for the rest of this pregnancy. The good thing about this "scare" is that it's making me very aware of what I eat. I feel like I've done really well so far. . .but I do have that darn sweet tooth! And of course it's just perfect that I should find out about this right before the holidays! Nice!

Thanksgiving was really fun with alot of my family here. I think Dave got a little overloaded but he'll be alright. It was so sweet to have my parents in town and all gather at their place. No matter where my parents live, it just feels like home. I'm so thankful to have them close.

I pray you and yours had a wonderful holiday as well. This is such a wonderful time of year. It always makes me feel so excited and wide eyed (like a little kid). . . and this year, even more so. Celebrating Christmas really does help you believe in miracles. When I look at all that God did in sending His son to the world through a woman like Mary, I desire to be so available to Him for whatever His purpose is in what He's doing through me.

12 Weeks!

Well, we made it. This morning Dave and I went in for our 12 week appointment. I kept declaring that He was doing a new thing. . .that this wouldn't look anything like the past. We were quickly able to see the baby and it was obvious they had grown. It only took seconds for me to see the heartbeat. I think my heart stopped for just a second as we searched. The baby looked strong at 12 weeks and 3 days. The baby was moving around a lot and kicking its legs up. It was so cute.

Needless to say Dave and I are relieved. We are more excited but we just said to each other that we still feel guarded. I don't think it's as much fear now as it is the reality that we can never stop fighting for this life.

Thank you for fighting with us! Another great milemarker on our journey. We have so much to be thankful for.

He Who Promised Is Faithful

A few people came up to me in church yesterday to say they were so exicted that we were pregnant and they are so glad we finally "let the cat out of the bag." We actually haven't let the "cat out" yet. I think he just got away. I don't mind at all that these sweet friends have heard our news. But hearing them say it out loud, in the foyer of our church, made my heart sink into my stomach.

Don't say it so loud. I thought to myself. I'm not ready for everyone to know. What if something bad happens?

That was my initial thought. And then I thought about it all day long. Why was I so afraid? Are we not declaring, in faith that this is it? My pastor even spoke yesterday morning - in our thanksgiving service after our dear friends Kyle and Kristy shared about their miracle baby - that we are to do what Hebrews tells us in chapter 10, verse 23, "Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."

I am so glad that although we are instructed not to waiver, when we do we do not disqualify ourselves from the promise. He is faithful and He is merciful. He is a God of understanding and grace.

We'll go in Wednesday morning at 9am for our 12 week appointment. It is an understatement to say I am holding on tightly to the confession of our hope. I am believing with my whole being that this baby will be thriving inside of me. Please join with us in believing for a strong heartbeat, great growth (the baby should measure 12 weeks and 2 days) and no genetic or physical abnormalities.

So let's just go ahead and "let the cat out of the bag." I've got nothing to fear. . .for He who promised is faithful!

Sweet Victory!

Praise The Lord! All is well with our little one. We had such a great experience this morning. The tech immediately showed us our "big" baby. I think even she was surprised to see how big it had grown. It measured 9 weeks and 1 day today. This is pretty remarkable. When we went in exactly 2 weeks ago, it measured 6 weeks and 5 days. . .a few days shy of where I thought it would be. Everyone assured me that some variation was normal, but I was still a little disappointed. One of the things I prayed as I prayed for strong life this week was that the growth would be strong. . .I said to the Lord, "that it would even measure more than 9 weeks today." I don't even know why I prayed that. But the Lord blessed us with strong growth. And a strong heartbeat at 179! We even got to see its little hands wave a little. I think it was saying hi to mom and dad.

My dear friend Gwen called during the ultrasound and so I said, "Oh, someone is calling to make sure everything is ok." The tech must have assumed it was my mom. She said, "Call your mom back and let's let her hear the heartbeat." So I called my mom and put the phone up to the speaker and she got to hear a baby's heartbeat. . .her grandchild's heartbeat for the first time! She cried and the tech cried. I even saw some tears in Dave's eyes. It was so sweet!

Dave and I are so very relieved and excited. God is so faithful. Another huge milemarker behind us! The best part is, I get to go back to my doctor Heather now. I've missed being under her care. We have a few more weeks to go before the end of the first trimester, but I am so encouraged and my faith is so renewed. I just know we're going to make it!

We're Back. . .

Well we made it back from our trip in one piece. We had a great time just relaxing and hanging out. It was a bit warm in the mountains (go figure) so we didn't do as many outdoorsy things as we had hoped. We stayed in the cabin, turned up the AC and lit a fire in the fireplace. And we played a lot of pool. Who knew Dave was such a pool shark. He's telling me he's not that good. . .blah, blah, blah. We played about 20 games. I won 2. . .only because he accidentally hit the 8 ball in too soon. It's a good thing I'm not very competitive. Otherwise, my vacation would have been ruined. Oh but it was fun to see him win and feel all manly and what not.

I thought our time there would make my wait for the next Dr. appointment go quickly. What I didn't count on was having a lot more head space to think about my wait. So it kinda backfired on me. I have to admit, it was hard. But we continue to press into the Lord and speak life over our situation.

We celebrated 5 years of marriage on Saturday. I can hardly believe it's been that long. Our celebration this year was a bit sweeter than our last. The night of our anniversary last year was when I began losing my first baby. And it was today, Oct 29th last year that I actually miscarried. I've been thoughtful about it but I can honestly say I'm not sad or emotional. I know the Lord had a purpose in that life and in its loss. I trust in that. It's a little surreal that it's all come back around again. . .that tomorrow morning I'll go in for ultrasound #2. But in the midst of remembering our loss, I must be strong in faith for this little one. I'm so thankful that my heavenly father understands the irony and the difficulty of it all. But His will is for us to grow and to walk stronger with each passing event so I am committed to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit and believe like I never have before this time around.

We ask that you would pray with us as we go in tomorrow. Our appointment is at 8:45am. I've not yet made it through a second ultrasound with my pregnancies so needless to say this will be quite the milemarker. Thank you all for standing and believing with us.