It's been quite an interesting couple of weeks in regards to work. I continue to manage the inner battle of whether or not it is capable of doing this job and being a good mom. This time last week I was sure it was not. I was sure that I had heard clearly from God that it was time to move on.
I traveled last week - Nashville to Chicago to Grand Rapids to Chicago and back to Nashville. It was a crazy whirlwind with free time only to think about the baby girl I had left at home. I missed her terribly and I was bitter at the thought of missing even one moment of this crucial time in her development. Each day she takes more steps, says more words and has brand new facial expressions. Why should I miss that for a job? It just doesn't seem worth it.
While traveling home, where another crazy day of work related activities awaited me, I wrestled in my heart and mind with my current situation (as I often do) but this time I honestly felt a clear voice within me. It's time to start looking for your replacement - I heard. This job has become more than you are able to give in this season. I asked God for days if this was really Him. I've had similar responses so many times that came from my exhaustion and stress. I wanted to make sure this was really His leading. I felt that I needed to take a few important next steps. 1 - Tell Dave I think I'm supposed to quit my job. 2 - Go over the budget to make sure it was even possible. 3 - Explore a few possible contract work opportunities to make sure I could contribute something to the household finances.
Dave was supportive but not quick to help write my letter of resignation. The budget was tight. There would obviously be no new shoes in my near future. And the contract work was slim. So many companies cutting back . . . many of them doing without the extra help these days.
As I sat in the car pondering what on earth we would do to make things work, I checked the email on my phone as I often do in the car. My boss had sent me something unsolicited yet unbelievable. An email, titled "A reminder of how good you are at what you do." It said basically, "I know you still aren't sure if you can do this, but I want you to know I know you can. Know that I am praying for you as you try to create the right balance and I'm willing to look at creative ways we can do that." And then he went on to sing my praises . . . which I honestly don't think I deserve. How did he know? I hadn't yet shared my revelation with him. I had planned to do so this week.
In my meeting with him on Tuesday, I honestly shared that I had planned to come in and say we needed to look for my replacement. He wasn't surprised but looked a little relieved that I wasn't actually saying it. He proceeded to encourage me even more and then we talked about ways that we could alleviate some of the stresses and the things that invade my time at home. Things will not change overnight, but I am hopeful that they will.
I'm not sure why I thought I heard the Lord say something so clearly about a specific action I was to take, only to reveal later that I am to stay. I guess sometimes He has us walk through exercises to test our faithfulness and our willingness to walk carefully through His will. I am glad I explored the things I did, even if they did not lead to my resignation. At least now I know for sure that I have the full support of my amazing boss and an open door to discuss my situation with him honestly. I am humbled that I have such favor.
A good friend and mentor reminded me this morning over coffee that I have probably the best situation if I do have to work outside the home. My wonderful mom watches Hope while I am at the office, my amazing husband is so helpful treating every task as a team player and my in laws live within a mile of our house. The conversation reminded me that I need to focus on the grace that covers me rather than the occasional tough circumstances.
Don't get me wrong. I do not want to work this much outside my home for too much longer. But He obviously still has a plan for me in this position so for now, I'll do the best I can to serve those I work for while enjoying the benefits of bills that are paid and of course, new shoes every now and then!
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Separation Anxiety
Every book, website, email blast or piece of mommy mail I read says we may be experiencing separation anxiety at this point. It makes total sense - heightened awareness, increased understanding, a deeper level of bonding. . . But the funny thing is, every time I leave Hope at my mom's house she is either eating or if I stay long enough for a cup of coffee, playing in her exersaucer and she never seems affected by my goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that she is happy and thriving with my mom (I had no doubt she would be).
This week, every time I dropped her off and headed to work I was in the worst mood. I thought maybe I was just tired or cranky because work has been ramping up but then as I walked out my mom's door yesterday morning it hit me. . . separation anxiety. The books and websites don't talk about my separation anxiety. The mommy mail doesn't address how I'll feel when I leave my little one. I think the two weeks plus I spent with Hope over the holidays ruined me for my time away from her. While I still enjoy going to work and having adult interaction and independence, my deeper connection with Hope as she grows is causing the stakes to be higher. If I am going to leave her, if I am going to miss out on even one day, it's got to be worth it.
Which leads me to the ponderings that have plagued my mind this week. Am I that passionate about my work that it is worth time away from my girl? Some days I feel like I am. Although it's not that I've ever felt a really deep passion about what I do per say, but rather a deep passion for the One I do it for. In my line of work, you spend your days navigating through artistic personalities and temperaments, insecurities and lofty ideas. It's enough to make you exhausted, if not downright sick. So although I love my clients and I am committed to serve them well, I don't do it for them. If I did, I would have given up years ago. I serve them in order to serve God and serve the people they reach with their art. I have to remind myself of this fact every now and then. . . on occasions like this that cause me to re-evaluate everything.
Today I feel called to do this work. I feel His grace over me which allows me to leave goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door and leave my child in the hands of another (thank you God it's my mother). But I can promise Hope this. . . not a day will go by without me pausing to ask the Lord if His grace still covers this. God give me the wisdom to know the answer.
This week, every time I dropped her off and headed to work I was in the worst mood. I thought maybe I was just tired or cranky because work has been ramping up but then as I walked out my mom's door yesterday morning it hit me. . . separation anxiety. The books and websites don't talk about my separation anxiety. The mommy mail doesn't address how I'll feel when I leave my little one. I think the two weeks plus I spent with Hope over the holidays ruined me for my time away from her. While I still enjoy going to work and having adult interaction and independence, my deeper connection with Hope as she grows is causing the stakes to be higher. If I am going to leave her, if I am going to miss out on even one day, it's got to be worth it.
Which leads me to the ponderings that have plagued my mind this week. Am I that passionate about my work that it is worth time away from my girl? Some days I feel like I am. Although it's not that I've ever felt a really deep passion about what I do per say, but rather a deep passion for the One I do it for. In my line of work, you spend your days navigating through artistic personalities and temperaments, insecurities and lofty ideas. It's enough to make you exhausted, if not downright sick. So although I love my clients and I am committed to serve them well, I don't do it for them. If I did, I would have given up years ago. I serve them in order to serve God and serve the people they reach with their art. I have to remind myself of this fact every now and then. . . on occasions like this that cause me to re-evaluate everything.
Today I feel called to do this work. I feel His grace over me which allows me to leave goodbye kisses and waves as I walk out the door and leave my child in the hands of another (thank you God it's my mother). But I can promise Hope this. . . not a day will go by without me pausing to ask the Lord if His grace still covers this. God give me the wisdom to know the answer.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Corporate Mommy
Tonight is my first night away from Hope. I'm sitting in a hotel room typing this entry right about the time I would be home kissing her goodnight. I'm in Grand Rapids and she's at home and I'm doing surprisingly well with the whole thing. I'm sure that is because I will be home in less than 24 hours. Thank God the first trip was a short one.
It's funny because the whole "corporate mommy" thing was never a role I wanted to have. I suppose I thought I'd become a mom and then my career would slowly fizzle. I actually looked forward to that. Yet it seems the longer I wear the badge, the more permanent it seems to become. Right now I feel completely caught in the middle of career momentum and a desire to abandon it all. My bosses seem to think I can do anything (I am humbled by that fact) and keep tossing out options for new ventures and roles I could take on. All the while I keep thinking, I think I want off this crazy train. Shouldn't I want off this crazy train?
The truth is . . . some days I want off and some days I don't. Although I have some horribly stressful days filled with corporate politics and client drama, for the most part my job is enjoyable and I can see how the Lord is using it to prepare me for what's next. Yet the more ideas my bosses come up with, the harder it is to balance work and home life. I think I can be a great literary agent and an OK wife and mother and friend. Or I could be an OK literary agent and a great wife and mother and friend. I'm just not sure it's possible to be a great literary agent, a great wife, a great mother and a great friend. I realize I don't need to be perfect at everything but I'm one of those people who tends to believe if you can't be excellent at it, then why do it?
I don't feel like this is a season of great stress or deep confusion. I am simply keeping a spirit of evaluation as I journey through "corporate mommyhood." I pray He'll honor the fact that I am willing to give it all up at a second's notice if it overshadows my most important roles in life. Yet I am willing to give and to serve and to lean on Him for the strength to do so as long as He has me doing so.
Lord show me when it's time to get off this crazy train. And until then, I know your grace abounds.
It's funny because the whole "corporate mommy" thing was never a role I wanted to have. I suppose I thought I'd become a mom and then my career would slowly fizzle. I actually looked forward to that. Yet it seems the longer I wear the badge, the more permanent it seems to become. Right now I feel completely caught in the middle of career momentum and a desire to abandon it all. My bosses seem to think I can do anything (I am humbled by that fact) and keep tossing out options for new ventures and roles I could take on. All the while I keep thinking, I think I want off this crazy train. Shouldn't I want off this crazy train?
The truth is . . . some days I want off and some days I don't. Although I have some horribly stressful days filled with corporate politics and client drama, for the most part my job is enjoyable and I can see how the Lord is using it to prepare me for what's next. Yet the more ideas my bosses come up with, the harder it is to balance work and home life. I think I can be a great literary agent and an OK wife and mother and friend. Or I could be an OK literary agent and a great wife and mother and friend. I'm just not sure it's possible to be a great literary agent, a great wife, a great mother and a great friend. I realize I don't need to be perfect at everything but I'm one of those people who tends to believe if you can't be excellent at it, then why do it?
I don't feel like this is a season of great stress or deep confusion. I am simply keeping a spirit of evaluation as I journey through "corporate mommyhood." I pray He'll honor the fact that I am willing to give it all up at a second's notice if it overshadows my most important roles in life. Yet I am willing to give and to serve and to lean on Him for the strength to do so as long as He has me doing so.
Lord show me when it's time to get off this crazy train. And until then, I know your grace abounds.
Friday, September 26, 2008
My Inconvenient Truth
Yesterday I found myself a bit early for a coffee meeting so I decided to run into Publix to pick up a few things. I only had about seven minutes to spare but these days, seven baby-free minutes means a lot so I ran into the store to grab some birthday cards. My seven minutes quickly turned to about thirty seconds and I ran to the shortest line hoping to jet out of there as fast as I could.
Have I ever mentioned that I have the spiritual gift of picking the longest line? Without fail, I always choose the wrong line. This time, I chose the line with a very sweet, disabled man. He was thorough and friendly and kind and. . . did I mention thorough? I told myself immediately that I would be patient and allow this man to serve me the way he desired to serve. Although I hate to be late, I knew that I could not allow a reaction to this inconvenience. The more thorough he got, the more I felt impatience rise up within me and then I simply heard the Lord say, "His inconvenience is far greater than yours." With that I stood there smiling, ready to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. He was such a sweet man and you could tell he had a great desire to be excellent at what he did. It was a beautiful thing.
I walked out of there a few minutes late for my appointment but it turned out the girl I was meeting was running late herself. No harm done at all and a really great lesson for me. I don't want to ever think so highly of myself and my schedule that I miss out on appreciating the beauty of God's people. This sweet man was serving with all his heart and I was honored to be on the receiving end. I can only hope to carry a heart like his.
Have I ever mentioned that I have the spiritual gift of picking the longest line? Without fail, I always choose the wrong line. This time, I chose the line with a very sweet, disabled man. He was thorough and friendly and kind and. . . did I mention thorough? I told myself immediately that I would be patient and allow this man to serve me the way he desired to serve. Although I hate to be late, I knew that I could not allow a reaction to this inconvenience. The more thorough he got, the more I felt impatience rise up within me and then I simply heard the Lord say, "His inconvenience is far greater than yours." With that I stood there smiling, ready to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. He was such a sweet man and you could tell he had a great desire to be excellent at what he did. It was a beautiful thing.
I walked out of there a few minutes late for my appointment but it turned out the girl I was meeting was running late herself. No harm done at all and a really great lesson for me. I don't want to ever think so highly of myself and my schedule that I miss out on appreciating the beauty of God's people. This sweet man was serving with all his heart and I was honored to be on the receiving end. I can only hope to carry a heart like his.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Week One Back in the "Real World"
I suppose I should use the term "real world" very lightly considering the fact that I work in the entertainment industry. It doesn't very much feel like the real world most of the time!
Things have been going very well at work. I'm busy enough to keep my mind off not being with Hope but not busy enough that I feel overwhelmed and want to quit. I'm sure my boss would be relieved to know that. I have to admit I've battled this feeling that nothing I am doing is as important as the little life that waits for me back home. Would I rather work on that sales report or teach my baby girl something new today? Sales report? Baby girl? Sales report? Baby girl?
One good thing that I think will come out of my situation is my being very purposeful when I AM home with Hope. I'm sure all of us moms can tend to get lazy when trying to be diligent with our kids all the time. . .or maybe that's just me. I think if I was home with her everyday, it would get old to me and I'd get lazy in my time with her. Maybe it's really sad that I'm admitting this. For now, I know that three days a week she's getting the best of my mom who will play with her and teach her things. By the time I get home to her on Thursday nights, I've missed her so much and I'm so excited to get into her world that she then gets the best of me. I believe it's a good balance for me and for Hope.
As long as it doesn't get to the point where I am so overwhelmed that she is getting "leftover mommy," I am thankful for our situation. The Lord has abundantly provided everything we've needed up until this point, I know that provision will continue each step of the way! And someday, when it is time for me to stay home with her full time (and I do hope for that day), He will then provide all the grace I need to give her the best of myself every day of the week. I guess I'm glad I get to ease into it!
Things have been going very well at work. I'm busy enough to keep my mind off not being with Hope but not busy enough that I feel overwhelmed and want to quit. I'm sure my boss would be relieved to know that. I have to admit I've battled this feeling that nothing I am doing is as important as the little life that waits for me back home. Would I rather work on that sales report or teach my baby girl something new today? Sales report? Baby girl? Sales report? Baby girl?
One good thing that I think will come out of my situation is my being very purposeful when I AM home with Hope. I'm sure all of us moms can tend to get lazy when trying to be diligent with our kids all the time. . .or maybe that's just me. I think if I was home with her everyday, it would get old to me and I'd get lazy in my time with her. Maybe it's really sad that I'm admitting this. For now, I know that three days a week she's getting the best of my mom who will play with her and teach her things. By the time I get home to her on Thursday nights, I've missed her so much and I'm so excited to get into her world that she then gets the best of me. I believe it's a good balance for me and for Hope.
As long as it doesn't get to the point where I am so overwhelmed that she is getting "leftover mommy," I am thankful for our situation. The Lord has abundantly provided everything we've needed up until this point, I know that provision will continue each step of the way! And someday, when it is time for me to stay home with her full time (and I do hope for that day), He will then provide all the grace I need to give her the best of myself every day of the week. I guess I'm glad I get to ease into it!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
First Day Back
I'm headed out the door after my first day back to work. It went pretty well. I didn't cry at all. Just felt a slight underlying feeling of guilt all day for not being home with Hope and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because I miss her so much.
She's home with my mom which is the only reason I didn't lose it today. It feels so safe to know she's with grandma. I am proud to say I only called home once today to check on them. To my delight, grandma reported that Hope went down for her naps very well and even slept 2 hours after her 11 am bottle. I am so thankful Hope has been so good for my mom and yet I wonder why she's not been that good for me! I suppose she's on her best behavior for grandma!
I'm still not sure if I am ever going to get used to leaving her. As great as our situation is, it is hard. But I feel called to be doing what I am doing so for now, this is my reality. Dave and I are taking it one step at a time as we walk the parenting trail. Maybe someday I'll get to stay home with her, but for now she gets to enjoy extra special time with grandma.
She's home with my mom which is the only reason I didn't lose it today. It feels so safe to know she's with grandma. I am proud to say I only called home once today to check on them. To my delight, grandma reported that Hope went down for her naps very well and even slept 2 hours after her 11 am bottle. I am so thankful Hope has been so good for my mom and yet I wonder why she's not been that good for me! I suppose she's on her best behavior for grandma!
I'm still not sure if I am ever going to get used to leaving her. As great as our situation is, it is hard. But I feel called to be doing what I am doing so for now, this is my reality. Dave and I are taking it one step at a time as we walk the parenting trail. Maybe someday I'll get to stay home with her, but for now she gets to enjoy extra special time with grandma.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Monday, Monday
Mondays are like the worst thing in the world to me. I probably should be over this by now since I've endured about 1600 or so of them and they just aren't going away! I don't know what it is. Mondays just feel like Mondays. Four more days till the weekend. No way around it.
I suppose I have a hard time getting into the work groove. It takes me until about mid-day Tuesday to really get into a rhythm. This morning though, was a little more adventurous. I had to be at an event with one of my clients. A female author and speaker. She was set to speak to 2000 college students at 10am. I was in the car on the way there. I'd have plenty of time to get her settled and set up her book table. Or so I thought. At 9:05am I get a call from her. "You are not going to believe this." she says, "I put my jacket on a hanger in the back so I wouldn't spill coffee on it during the drive this morning. Then there was a fly in the car so I rolled down the windows so it would fly out. I just arrived at Starbucks and went to put on my jacket. It's not there. I think it flew out the window on I40."
Well I learned early on not to laugh at my clients. But I couldn't help it and really we were laughing together. I turned around and made a mad dash for Target (the only place to buy clothing at 9:05am). I picked out everything that might go with the skirt she was wearing and I headed to the campus.
Long story short, she ended up looking fine and we got everything done in time for her to speak. She even had a hilarious new story to share with the students. I suppose if you are an author and/or speaker, you should expect material to be flying at you at all times.
This Monday is almost over. I'm glad there were some laughs to start it off with. Anything to keep my mind distracted from the fact that there is life growing inside of me. . .life I have no control over. I'm trying so hard not to think about it too much and I am fighting fear with my whole being. I believe that I am 5 weeks pregnant exactly today. Maybe this is a good way to look at Mondays. Every Monday for the next 35 weeks, I'll be one week closer to having this baby.
Now that's one way to get over it! Mondays might just be my new favorite thing.
I suppose I have a hard time getting into the work groove. It takes me until about mid-day Tuesday to really get into a rhythm. This morning though, was a little more adventurous. I had to be at an event with one of my clients. A female author and speaker. She was set to speak to 2000 college students at 10am. I was in the car on the way there. I'd have plenty of time to get her settled and set up her book table. Or so I thought. At 9:05am I get a call from her. "You are not going to believe this." she says, "I put my jacket on a hanger in the back so I wouldn't spill coffee on it during the drive this morning. Then there was a fly in the car so I rolled down the windows so it would fly out. I just arrived at Starbucks and went to put on my jacket. It's not there. I think it flew out the window on I40."
Well I learned early on not to laugh at my clients. But I couldn't help it and really we were laughing together. I turned around and made a mad dash for Target (the only place to buy clothing at 9:05am). I picked out everything that might go with the skirt she was wearing and I headed to the campus.
Long story short, she ended up looking fine and we got everything done in time for her to speak. She even had a hilarious new story to share with the students. I suppose if you are an author and/or speaker, you should expect material to be flying at you at all times.
This Monday is almost over. I'm glad there were some laughs to start it off with. Anything to keep my mind distracted from the fact that there is life growing inside of me. . .life I have no control over. I'm trying so hard not to think about it too much and I am fighting fear with my whole being. I believe that I am 5 weeks pregnant exactly today. Maybe this is a good way to look at Mondays. Every Monday for the next 35 weeks, I'll be one week closer to having this baby.
Now that's one way to get over it! Mondays might just be my new favorite thing.
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